Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E05 — The Gang Gets Analyzed

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 5 — The Gang Gets Analyzed

#1
Goddamn.

#2
And how is the psoriasis coming?

#3
Has it gotten any better?

#4
Oh! It's not good, Doc, it's not good.

#5
I'm scaling up like a goddamn boa constrictor over here.

#6
Skin conditions can be manifestations of deeper issues.

#7
Well, you're not a skin doctor, so let's drop it already, okay?

#8
I got beef with you.

#9
Excuse me?

#10
I am mad at you!

#11
Remember that cooperative dinner you had me have with my friends

#12
so we could try and resolve some of our issues?

#13
Well, it blew up in my face.

#14
What happened?

#15
Uh, screaming and tears and physical threats, uh, Frank

#16
pulled out his gun, somebody dropped the "N" bomb.

#17
I don't remember where that came from, but it was messy.

#18
No, I mean why did it all fall apart?

#19
Oh. No one was assigned the dishes.

#20
And that all happened over the dishes?

#21
Yes. And frankly, I haven't seen any results since I've been

#22
coming to you, so as far as I'm concerned, you're in the hot

#23
seat until you resolve this.

#24
Resolve this...?

#25
Who's going to do the dishes!

#26
And also, this is a great opportunity for you to see how

#27
insane my asshole friends are.

#28
You brought them here?

#29
Of course I brought them here... what, are you gonna come to my house?

#30
Hey, assholes, get in here.

#31
Did you guys sort it out?

#32
Did you sort it out already?

#33
How long were we gonna sit out there for?

#34
All right, listen, lady, I'll tell you one thing.

#35
I ain't doing these goddamn dishes!

#36
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#37
Therapy is stupid.

#38
I don't trust a shrink.

#39
They screw with your head.

#40
Frank, it's the only way to settle the argument and find out who is the winner.

#41
Okay, uh... let me first just say that arguments do not have winners.

#42
Yeah, actually, this argument is more about

#43
determining who the loser will be, because most of us will be winners.

#44
Yeah, yeah, and it's not gonna be me, okay?

#45
I'm not doing those dishes, because I had the hardest job.

#46
Setting the table?

#47
Are you dumb?

#48
I hosted!

#49
It was wall-to-wall details!

#50
I was on edge the whole time.

#51
Well, it's gonna be you or Frank or Charlie, 'cause Dennis and I cooked.

#52
The food was mush.

#53
The food was divine.

#54
It was pheasant.

#55
I never did the dishes before and I'm not starting now.

#56
I bankrolled; case closed.

#57
Well, I had the hardest job of anyone... I traveled all the

#58
way to this exotic merchant in search of this rare fowl...

#59
What the hell are you talking about, Charlie?

#60
You went to the corner gourmet grocery store and you bought pheasant.

#61
Okay. This is all, you know, a little bit unorthodox, but it

#62
is clearly about much more than just the dishes.

#63
Yeah, there's always levels.

#64
Well, yeah, I mean, we're complex people, you know?

#65
Our rivers run deep, and... I believe I can help you with this.

#66
Let me stop you right there, actually, Doc... I can help you.

#67
You see, I have a background in academic psych myself, from an

#68
Ivy League college, no less, not this, uh, LaSalle.

#69
It sounds like a pasta dish.

#70
It does, it does.

#71
But let's not be mean, Frank.

#72
Some people don't have the same access that we do.

#73
Now, use me as a resource.

#74
Think of me as a colleague.

#75
Now, I was thinking we could start with a few one-on-ones,

#76
you know, move on to a couple of mix-'em-ups, you know, and then

#77
end with a big group dealio.

#78
I'm going first, please?

#79
Can I go first?

#80
Uh, Mac, I'll be the one to determine who goes first.

#81
And it is you.

#82
Aah! Yes!

#83
You seem very on edge.

#84
Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge!

#85
I hosted the shit out of that party!

#86
And that's just not setting the table, okay?

#87
I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I

#88
provided security, I kept everybody safe! Safe!

#89
You know, sometimes I feel like... I feel like they don't

#90
even understand me and we're not even that good of friends.

#91
That's bullshit!

#92
That's bullshit!

#93
We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world!

#94
Goddamn them for making me think otherwise!

#95
Are you okay?

#96
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

#97
I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.

#98
Mac, let me ask you a question.

#99
Yeah.

#100
Do you often feel strong emotion felt in quick succession?

#101
Oh, yeah. And not just my emotions.

#102
I have had a slight fluctuation with my weight recently.

#103
I see. And how much weight are we talking about?

#104
I gained and lost 60 pounds in three months.

#105
Wow, that's almost impossible.

#106
Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so

#107
jot that down.

#108
And yeah, yeah, I had a difficult time there.

#109
I had to buy all new clothes, and... people used to cross the

#110
street when I would walk by.

#111
They'd be, like, "Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us,

#112
you know, barreling towards us."

#113
Mac... you're not that guy anymore.

#114
Don't you think I know that?

#115
And I'm starting to think that I'll never become that monster again.

#116
Oh, so you preferred being scary to people?

#117
Yeah. Lady, I was as big as a skyscraper, and now I'm as tiny

#118
as a postage stamp.

#119
Oh. I get it. Cute.

#120
You leave this pen here and people are supposed to think,

#121
"Wait, that looks like a dick."

#122
Mac, have you ever heard of the term "body dysmorphia"?

#123
Is that what I have?

#124
Is that what's making me so thin?

#125
No. Body dysmorphia is when you see a distorted version of

#126
yourself that no one perceives but you.

#127
Oh, but Dennis perceives it, too, because he's been giving me

#128
size pills to make me bigger.

#129
Dennis is, like, my best buddy.

#130
Well, oftentimes, drugs don't address the root of the problem.

#131
Talking through the issues may be the best way for you to

#132
address your mood swings and body issues.

#133
Talking about it?

#134
Talking about it!

#135
No, that's good. That's good.

#136
So if we talk about it, then you think that I'll get most

#137
bigger... from talking!

#138
Oh, that's really good.

#139
You know... thank you.

#140
Thank you for this.

#141
You know, when I first walked in here, I was, like, "There's no

#142
way that this is gonna work,"

#143
'cause I just do not get the whole woman doctor thing, but

#144
then when you started talking about God, I realized that

#145
you're one of the smart ones.

#146
All right, let's do it, let's talk about it.

#147
Let's talk about God, and let's talk about how you're gonna make

#148
me more bigger.

#149
Will you put the pen down?

#150
Hey-o! Time's up!

#151
Get out, slim. Let's go.

#152
That door is supposed to be locked.

#153
Oh, yeah, yeah, I taped the knob... I knew I'd be popping in

#154
and out quite a bit.

#155
Let's go. Ticktock, ticktock.

#156
Time's up. Ticktock, tiny man.

#157
Okay, let's not get bogged down.

#158
You know, just time for headlines.

#159
Okay. These guys need structure, Doc, and that'll become clear to

#160
you... you just don't see it yet.

#161
Now, you are gonna want to strap in for this next one.

#162
Charlie?

#163
Um... why don't you share with me how you feel the dinner went.

#164
Fine, I'll do the dishes!

#165
You're just gonna make me do 'em anyway!

#166
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

#167
Why do you assume I'm gonna make you do the dishes?

#168
'Cause it's Charlie work, and I'm gonna get stuck with it, so

#169
I'll just do the dishes!

#170
Goddamn it!

#171
"Charlie work."

#172
What's "Charlie work"?

#173
Fill me in.

#174
Oh, right.

#175
You don't even know what Cha...?

#176
Right. Okay, well, Charlie work is, like, you know, like,

#177
basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uh, blood stuff, your

#178
basic slimes, your sludges.

#179
Anything dead, or decay, you know, I'm on it, I'm dealing with it.

#180
And you dislike it?

#181
Well, no. I mean, at its core, I love it.

#182
You know, I love the dark, I love slippery things, I love

#183
being naked, uh, in the sewer.

#184
Bleach smells good, uh, tastes good, you know, but it's just,

#185
like, I don't like being told what to...

#186
I'm sorry, I didn't get that last one.

#187
I don't like being told what to do.

#188
Everyone's always telling me what to do all the time.

#189
Got it, got it.

#190
Kick me around.

#191
I'm, like, probably the weirdest guy in the universe, you know.

#192
Probably even weirder than someone from Saturn.

#193
Why do you think you're weird?

#194
I don't know.

#195
I'm just... weird, I guess.

#196
What did... what did Dee tell you?

#197
I'm not at liberty to discuss other patients... I mean, like, would it be

#198
weird if you survived an abortion?

#199
You know, would it be weird if, like, you shared a bed with a

#200
man who may or may not be your father?

#201
Again, I can't talk about... You know what would be weird?

#202
If you eat cat food to go to sleep, and you have such a

#203
fascination with cats that maybe you glue cat hair on the back of

#204
your neck every now and then?

#205
That's new information that I haven't... You know, I mean, 'cause, so,

#206
you know, like, is it bad?

#207
No. No. Being comfortable in your own skin is never a bad thing.

#208
Oh, my God, right.

#209
Okay, so if I got, like, more skin or something, then I

#210
could, like, never do a bad thing in my life, and maybe I

#211
never have done a bad thing 'cause I have a lot of skin.

#212
That's not what I'm saying.

#213
What I'm saying is, given your... nontraditional life

#214
choices, you are surprisingly well-adjusted.

#215
Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm well-adjusted, you know, because

#216
of my lack of traditions, and I'll adjust to that, and...

#217
I feel like you're mirroring my words, but you're not exactly

#218
understanding them.

#219
You're saying, like, do the things you do, go even further with them.

#220
You know, maybe get a ton of cat hair, glue it all over your

#221
body, you know, walk around like a cat man in the night through the alleyways.

#222
You know, and stop hiding the pigeon.

#223
The pigeon?

#224
This one. You know, let him be who he wants, let him... let him fly away. Go!

#225
He's dead, I think.

#226
So, you've had the... a dead pigeon in your jacket this whole time?

#227
He was alive at one point, you know.

#228
I'm not crazy. It's just, I think I might have hugged him a

#229
little too hard, kind of smothered him a bit, but, um,

#230
hey, we'll make an adjustment,

#231
uh, to it, and we'll make a tradition out of it.

#232
Okay...

#233
Let's talk about... I ain't talking about nothing!

#234
This skull is Fort Knox.

#235
Why don't you trust therapists?

#236
I opened up to a therapist just once.

#237
I was a kid.

#238
I got into a fight.

#239
The doctor asked me question after question!

#240
Got me so scrambled up.

#241
Next thing you know, I was shanghaied upstate to a nitwit school.

#242
You know what a nitwit school is?

#243
I assume you mean a school for the mentally disabled.

#244
Yeah. Not just for nuts in the head.

#245
Bodies, too.

#246
Back then, science was real crude.

#247
They stuck us all together.

#248
My roommate was a frog kid.

#249
You ever see a frog kid?

#250
Frog kid?

#251
Yeah. The place was windowless.

#252
There was a guard every ten feet.

#253
All the rooms had drains in the floors so they could hose us down.

#254
How terrible!

#255
Got my first kiss there.

#256
Frank?

#257
It was terrible!

#258
But not her.

#259
She was an angel.

#260
Always smiling.

#261
That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

#262
Let's talk about the dishes.

#263
Oh!

#264
She died two weeks later.

#265
She thought she was a space man with a plastic bag for a helmet.

#266
Oh!

#267
Aah!

#268
Oh, you unzipped me.

#269
It's all coming back.

#270
It's all coming back.

#271
I hate you!

#272
It's all coming back, you understand?!

#273
I don't like it!

#274
I don't like to think about it.

#275
Oh, it's-it's... With a plastic bag for a helmet!

#276
Oh! Oh!

#277
Oh, you unzipped me. Oh! Oh!

#278
This is me saluting you.

#279
I'm a big fan of your work.

#280
How quickly you rattled their cages, broke them all down.

#281
It's not about breaking.

#282
It's about helping them.

#283
Hmm. It's interesting, our thing, isn't it?

#284
To be in someone's mind, to have complete control.

#285
It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch,

#286
knowing that at any moment, you could throw it, but knowing you

#287
never will.

#288
But you could.

#289
Never isn't the right word, because I could, and I might.

#290
I probably will.

#291
Will you sit down, please?

#292
Yeah, sure. Sorry.

#293
Did I make you nervous?

#294
Not my intention.

#295
Well...

#296
So... who would you like to discuss first?

#297
How about you?

#298
That's good, but we don't really have time for jokes, so

#299
let's jump right into it, shall we?

#300
Now, I've long maintained psychological dossiers on every

#301
single one of those raving lunatics in your waiting room

#302
right now.

#303
The top one, and the thickest, by far, is Charlie's, of course.

#304
But I'd rather start... with Mac.

#305
Oh.

#306
Start with a simple one.

#307
Now, how did your session with him go?

#308
Dennis, as I think you know, I'm not at liberty to discuss

#309
another patient.

#310
Listen, why don't you think of me more as a peer, you know,

#311
in the academic sense, of course?

#312
In terms of age, you're decades older than me.

#313
But why don't I start, okay?

#314
Um, if you'll open up your dossier there, you'll see there

#315
on the first page is something that you picked up on almost

#316
immediately, which is his reverse body dysmorphia.

#317
And this... a well-placed pen, can have quite an effect on a

#318
man like him.

#319
This must have given him quite the thrill.

#320
I bet he tried to suck on this.

#321
Did he?

#322
Huh?

#323
It's okay, Doc.

#324
You can tell me.

#325
He's always sucking on the pens in our apartment.

#326
I'm always having to hide them.

#327
Well, I showed you mine.

#328
Why are some of these pages written in crayon?

#329
My file on Dee was started in the second grade.

#330
Interesting.

#331
Interesting?

#332
Tell me about these size pills you're giving Mac.

#333
Well, now, that's more like it.

#334
So they're Mexican ephedra.

#335
Calling them size pills was an eloquent solution.

#336
The guy was gross.

#337
It was disgusting.

#338
He was fat as shit, he smelled liked shit, he sounded like

#339
shit, his groans, his snores, the sleep apnea.

#340
It was gross.

#341
He was repulsive, really.

#342
So he has no appetite because you're drugging him, secretly.

#343
Giving a man medicine for his disease... wherever did I get

#344
that idea?

#345
What are you writing?

#346
Writing?

#347
Oh, nothing.

#348
Drawing.

#349
Drawing conclusions.

#350
And... drawing this.

#351
You like it?

#352
It's very generous.

#353
Dee, I'm afraid I have a serious issue to discuss with you.

#354
Yeah.

#355
I cannot help you if you are lying in every session.

#356
Lying?

#357
Why would I be lying?

#358
What are you talking about?

#359
Why would you... where are you getting this?

#360
Were you or were you not... Uh-huh.

#361
...the first choice for the female lead in The Notebook?

#362
Yes.

#363
Yes, I was and I had to, unfortunately, pass because of

#364
a scheduling conflict.

#365
We...

#366
We went over this.

#367
I graciously handed it to Rachel McAdams and she did a fine job

#368
with the film.

#369
I'm secure enough to admit that.

#370
I'm finding all this hard to believe.

#371
Oh, what do you want to hear, Doc, huh?

#372
That I had cigarettes put out on me when I was a kid?

#373
That this isn't a surgery scar, huh?

#374
That my father stabbed me? Huh?

#375
Okay, let me interrupt you for a second, okay, because I

#376
think we have an example happening right before our eyes.

#377
You're speaking right now with a Brooklyn accent and yet...

#378
Boston.

#379
It was a Boston accent.

#380
The accent was clearly from Brooklyn.

#381
This isn't a surgery scar.

#382
No, you don't say scar.

#383
That's clearly Brook... Yes, I did.

#384
No.

#385
Okay, the point is, Dee... >> It's a really good... Hmm?

#386
...I just met your father and I think that little bit was from

#387
Good Will Hunting.

#388
Yeah, he's not my father.

#389
That's a whole can of worms.

#390
I don't want to go into it.

#391
But it was from Good Will Hunting.

#392
How-how did you enjoy it?

#393
I'd rather discuss the father issue.

#394
You know what, she really wasn't that great, now that I

#395
think about it.

#396
Who?

#397
Rachel McAdams.

#398
Feel like I could've done a better job.

#399
Do you think that I would've done a better job, with that

#400
Ryan Gosling?

#401
I've never seen you act.

#402
Oh, really?

#403
Uh... ta-da!

#404
I've been lying the whole time!

#405
Oh!

#406
So, good, you admitted it.

#407
Uh-uh, that was acting.

#408
What I just... right there was acting.

#409
I said I was lying, and that wasn't even true.

#410
That was acting.

#411
All right, so uh!

#412
You are...

#413
I am so... I'm good.

#414
I am so... How are you feeling about all of what I'm doing?

#415
Did you like that?

#416
Did you think that was good?

#417
Tell me I'm good.

#418
Tell me it was good.

#419
Tell me I'm good.

#420
Tell me I'm good.

#421
Tell me that was good.

#422
Tell me I'm good.

#423
Tell me I'm good.

#424
Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

#425
Tell me I'm good.

#426
Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

#427
Tell me I'm good.

#428
You're good.

#429
Thank you.

#430
Was it that hard?

#431
What is happening?

#432
Let it out.

#433
Let it out, Frank.

#434
Dennis, there was another twin in your mother's womb.

#435
We were going to call him Donnie.

#436
You and Deandra devoured him before he could be born.

#437
You gobbled him up.

#438
That can't possibly be true.

#439
Donnie!

#440
You would've been the good one.

#441
It would've been Bruce's kid anyway, Frank.

#442
Jesus Christ.

#443
I can't take much more of this shit.

#444
It's starting to irritate me.

#445
Dennis, Dennis, you should do some quadra-lift thrusters with me.

#446
Oh, better yet, get up on my shoulders.

#447
That's even better because then I need more weight on my back.

#448
Mac, if you want to get big, take a size pill.

#449
Take a size pill.

#450
No, thank you.

#451
What do you mean, "No, thank you"?

#452
Good for you.

#453
Yeah, I want to do this the right way, Dennis.

#454
The therapist implied that God wanted me to have bovine

#455
hormones and I think she's going to get them for me.

#456
Dennis, can I give you some advice?

#457
Absolutely not.

#458
Look, hey, do what you want to do in life, you know, and

#459
there's nothing wrong with that.

#460
Oh, what I want to do?

#461
Mmm, well... that's what I want to do.

#462
Oh, well, I applaud you for that.

#463
Absolutely, you know.

#464
Oh, good.

#465
And now know that, of course, I'll come back at you with

#466
everything that I have.

#467
What are you...?

#468
Get him, Charlie.

#469
Go ahead, get him.

#470
Get him, get him, get him, get him.

#471
Get him for Donnie.

#472
Get him.

#473
How's that? Huh?

#474
You having a white Christmas?

#475
You having a white Christmas, you bitch?

#476
This ends now, lady.

#477
This ends now.

#478
You got Frank all messed up, you got Mac not taking his size

#479
pills, you got Charlie thinking that he's well-adjusted when

#480
he's the craziest of all.

#481
Stop calling me crazy!

#482
I'm not crazy.

#483
You're crazy, okay?

#484
You've been eating pigeon all day and loving it.

#485
You all ate pigeon.

#486
What?

#487
What?

#488
Yeah, I served you pigeon, okay?

#489
I'm not going to spend my money on a pheasant when I can get a

#490
perfectly good street bird.

#491
All right, you ate pigeon...

#492
Oh, my God!

#493
Jesus Christ, Charlie.

#494
Screw it.

#495
Tell him I'm not crazy.

#496
You are... you know what, I don't care.

#497
I'm going to get my stomach pumped.

#498
Lady, you got to finish this, okay? Give us answers now.

#499
Well, I think we've made some great steps today.

#500
Dishes!

#501
- What? - Dishes.

#502
- There is much more at play here than just... - Dishes!

#503
So you want me to just tell you who... Dishes.

#504
Dishes.

#505
On a severe dysfunctional... Dishes, dishes,

#506
dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes... Okay, okay!

#508
Boom!

#509
Blah!

#510
I feel like a weight has been lifted.

#511
You're a good therapist.

#512
She is pretty good.

#513
That's good.

#514
You goddamn dirty... Oh, I got an idea.

#515
I'll do the dishes, okay?

#516
Oh, there's the dishes.

#517
Guys like that?

#518
Are you happy now?

#519
Here's some dishes.

#520
You screwed me, you bitch.

#521
There's the dishes, all really nice and clean.

#522
Good idea.

#523
Dee, do the dishes.

#524
Here, I got it, I got it. Do I need help?

#525
No, sit tight, please, have a beer. I'll do the dishes.

#526
I got it, please, help yourself to the desert.

#527
It's in the refrigerator.

#528
You like this, huh? Here's the dishes.

#529
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#530
Therapy is stupid.

#531
I don't trust a shrink.

#532
They screw with your head.

#534
Okay, uh... let me first just say that arguments do not have winners.

#535
Yeah, actually, this argument is more about

#536
determining who the loser will be, because most of us will be winners.

#538
I'm not doing those dishes, because I had the hardest job.

#539
Setting the table?

#540
Are you dumb?

#541
I hosted!

#542
It was wall-to-wall details!

#543
I was on edge the whole time.

#545
The food was mush.

#546
The food was divine.

#547
It was pheasant.

#548
I never did the dishes before and I'm not starting now.

#549
I bankrolled; case closed.

#550
Well, I had the hardest job of anyone... I traveled all the

#551
way to this exotic merchant in search of this rare fowl...

#552
What the hell are you talking about, Charlie?

#554
Okay. This is all, you know, a little bit unorthodox, but it

#555
is clearly about much more than just the dishes.

#556
Yeah, there's always levels.

#557
Well, yeah, I mean, we're complex people, you know?

#558
Our rivers run deep, and... I believe I can help you with this.

#559
Let me stop you right there, actually, Doc... I can help you.

#562
It sounds like a pasta dish.

#564
But let's not be mean, Frank.

#565
Some people don't have the same access that we do.

#566
Now, use me as a resource.

#568
Now, I was thinking we could start with a few one-on-ones,

#569
you know, move on to a couple of mix-'em-ups, you know, and then

#570
end with a big group dealio.

#571
I'm going first, please?

#572
Can I go first?

#573
Uh, Mac, I'll be the one to determine who goes first.

#574
And it is you.

#575
Aah! Yes!

#576
You seem very on edge.

#577
Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge!

#578
I hosted the shit out of that party!

#579
And that's just not setting the table, okay?

#580
I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I

#583
even understand me and we're not even that good of friends.

#584
That's bullshit!

#585
That's bullshit!

#586
We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world!

#587
Goddamn them for making me think otherwise!

#588
Are you okay?

#589
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

#590
I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.

#591
Mac, let me ask you a question.

#592
Yeah.

#593
Do you often feel strong emotion felt in quick succession?

#594
Oh, yeah. And not just my emotions.

#595
I have had a slight fluctuation with my weight recently.

#599
Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so

#600
jot that down.

#601
And yeah, yeah, I had a difficult time there.

#602
I had to buy all new clothes, and... people used to cross the

#603
street when I would walk by.

#605
you know, barreling towards us."

#606
Mac... you're not that guy anymore.

#607
Don't you think I know that?

#608
And I'm starting to think that I'll never become that monster again.

#609
Oh, so you preferred being scary to people?

#610
Yeah. Lady, I was as big as a skyscraper, and now I'm as tiny

#611
as a postage stamp.

#612
Oh. I get it. Cute.

#613
You leave this pen here and people are supposed to think,

#614
"Wait, that looks like a dick."

#615
Mac, have you ever heard of the term "body dysmorphia"?

#616
Is that what I have?

#617
Is that what's making me so thin?

#618
No. Body dysmorphia is when you see a distorted version of

#619
yourself that no one perceives but you.

#620
Oh, but Dennis perceives it, too, because he's been giving me

#621
size pills to make me bigger.

#622
Dennis is, like, my best buddy.

#625
address your mood swings and body issues.

#626
Talking about it?

#627
Talking about it!

#628
No, that's good. That's good.

#629
So if we talk about it, then you think that I'll get most

#630
bigger... from talking!

#631
Oh, that's really good.

#633
Thank you for this.

#634
You know, when I first walked in here, I was, like, "There's no

#635
way that this is gonna work,"

#638
you're one of the smart ones.

#640
Let's talk about God, and let's talk about how you're gonna make

#641
me more bigger.

#642
Will you put the pen down?

#643
Hey-o! Time's up!

#644
Get out, slim. Let's go.

#645
That door is supposed to be locked.

#646
Oh, yeah, yeah, I taped the knob... I knew I'd be popping in

#647
and out quite a bit.

#648
Let's go. Ticktock, ticktock.

#649
Time's up. Ticktock, tiny man.

#650
Okay, let's not get bogged down.

#651
You know, just time for headlines.

#652
Okay. These guys need structure, Doc, and that'll become clear to

#653
you... you just don't see it yet.

#655
Charlie?

#656
Um... why don't you share with me how you feel the dinner went.

#657
Fine, I'll do the dishes!

#659
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

#660
Why do you assume I'm gonna make you do the dishes?

#661
'Cause it's Charlie work, and I'm gonna get stuck with it, so

#662
I'll just do the dishes!

#663
Goddamn it!

#664
"Charlie work."

#666
Fill me in.

#667
Oh, right.

#668
You don't even know what Cha...?

#669
Right. Okay, well, Charlie work is, like, you know, like,

#670
basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uh, blood stuff, your

#671
basic slimes, your sludges.

#672
Anything dead, or decay, you know, I'm on it, I'm dealing with it.

#673
And you dislike it?

#674
Well, no. I mean, at its core, I love it.

#675
You know, I love the dark, I love slippery things, I love

#676
being naked, uh, in the sewer.

#678
like, I don't like being told what to...

#679
I'm sorry, I didn't get that last one.

#680
I don't like being told what to do.

#681
Everyone's always telling me what to do all the time.

#682
Got it, got it.

#683
Kick me around.

#684
I'm, like, probably the weirdest guy in the universe, you know.

#685
Probably even weirder than someone from Saturn.

#686
Why do you think you're weird?

#687
I don't know.

#688
I'm just... weird, I guess.

#689
What did... what did Dee tell you?

#691
weird if you survived an abortion?

#692
You know, would it be weird if, like, you shared a bed with a

#693
man who may or may not be your father?

#694
Again, I can't talk about... You know what would be weird?

#695
If you eat cat food to go to sleep, and you have such a

#696
fascination with cats that maybe you glue cat hair on the back of

#697
your neck every now and then?

#698
That's new information that I haven't... You know, I mean, 'cause, so,

#699
you know, like, is it bad?

#700
No. No. Being comfortable in your own skin is never a bad thing.

#701
Oh, my God, right.

#703
could, like, never do a bad thing in my life, and maybe I

#704
never have done a bad thing 'cause I have a lot of skin.

#705
That's not what I'm saying.

#706
What I'm saying is, given your... nontraditional life

#707
choices, you are surprisingly well-adjusted.

#708
Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm well-adjusted, you know, because

#709
of my lack of traditions, and I'll adjust to that, and...

#710
I feel like you're mirroring my words, but you're not exactly

#711
understanding them.

#712
You're saying, like, do the things you do, go even further with them.

#713
You know, maybe get a ton of cat hair, glue it all over your

#714
body, you know, walk around like a cat man in the night through the alleyways.

#715
You know, and stop hiding the pigeon.

#716
The pigeon?

#717
This one. You know, let him be who he wants, let him... let him fly away. Go!

#718
He's dead, I think.

#719
So, you've had the... a dead pigeon in your jacket this whole time?

#720
He was alive at one point, you know.

#721
I'm not crazy. It's just, I think I might have hugged him a

#722
little too hard, kind of smothered him a bit, but, um,

#723
hey, we'll make an adjustment,

#724
uh, to it, and we'll make a tradition out of it.

#725
Okay...

#726
Let's talk about... I ain't talking about nothing!

#727
This skull is Fort Knox.

#728
Why don't you trust therapists?

#729
I opened up to a therapist just once.

#730
I was a kid.

#731
I got into a fight.

#732
The doctor asked me question after question!

#733
Got me so scrambled up.

#734
Next thing you know, I was shanghaied upstate to a nitwit school.

#735
You know what a nitwit school is?

#736
I assume you mean a school for the mentally disabled.

#737
Yeah. Not just for nuts in the head.

#738
Bodies, too.

#739
Back then, science was real crude.

#740
They stuck us all together.

#741
My roommate was a frog kid.

#742
You ever see a frog kid?

#743
Frog kid?

#744
Yeah. The place was windowless.

#745
There was a guard every ten feet.

#746
All the rooms had drains in the floors so they could hose us down.

#747
How terrible!

#748
Got my first kiss there.

#749
Frank?

#750
It was terrible!

#751
But not her.

#752
She was an angel.

#753
Always smiling.

#754
That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

#755
Let's talk about the dishes.

#756
Oh!

#757
She died two weeks later.

#758
She thought she was a space man with a plastic bag for a helmet.

#759
Oh!

#760
Aah!

#761
Oh, you unzipped me.

#762
It's all coming back.

#763
It's all coming back.

#764
I hate you!

#765
It's all coming back, you understand?!

#766
I don't like it!

#767
I don't like to think about it.

#768
Oh, it's-it's... With a plastic bag for a helmet!

#769
Oh! Oh!

#770
Oh, you unzipped me. Oh! Oh!

#771
This is me saluting you.

#772
I'm a big fan of your work.

#773
How quickly you rattled their cages, broke them all down.

#774
It's not about breaking.

#775
It's about helping them.

#776
Hmm. It's interesting, our thing, isn't it?

#777
To be in someone's mind, to have complete control.

#778
It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch,

#779
knowing that at any moment, you could throw it, but knowing you

#780
never will.

#781
But you could.

#782
Never isn't the right word, because I could, and I might.

#783
I probably will.

#784
Will you sit down, please?

#785
Yeah, sure. Sorry.

#786
Did I make you nervous?

#787
Not my intention.

#788
Well...

#789
So... who would you like to discuss first?

#790
How about you?

#791
That's good, but we don't really have time for jokes, so

#792
let's jump right into it, shall we?

#793
Now, I've long maintained psychological dossiers on every

#794
single one of those raving lunatics in your waiting room

#795
right now.

#796
The top one, and the thickest, by far, is Charlie's, of course.

#797
But I'd rather start... with Mac.

#798
Oh.

#799
Start with a simple one.

#800
Now, how did your session with him go?

#801
Dennis, as I think you know, I'm not at liberty to discuss

#802
another patient.

#803
Listen, why don't you think of me more as a peer, you know,

#804
in the academic sense, of course?

#805
In terms of age, you're decades older than me.

#806
But why don't I start, okay?

#807
Um, if you'll open up your dossier there, you'll see there

#808
on the first page is something that you picked up on almost

#809
immediately, which is his reverse body dysmorphia.

#810
And this... a well-placed pen, can have quite an effect on a

#811
man like him.

#812
This must have given him quite the thrill.

#813
I bet he tried to suck on this.

#814
Did he?

#815
Huh?

#816
It's okay, Doc.

#817
You can tell me.

#818
He's always sucking on the pens in our apartment.

#819
I'm always having to hide them.

#820
Well, I showed you mine.

#821
Why are some of these pages written in crayon?

#822
My file on Dee was started in the second grade.

#823
Interesting.

#824
Interesting?

#825
Tell me about these size pills you're giving Mac.

#826
Well, now, that's more like it.

#827
So they're Mexican ephedra.

#828
Calling them size pills was an eloquent solution.

#829
The guy was gross.

#830
It was disgusting.

#831
He was fat as shit, he smelled liked shit, he sounded like

#832
shit, his groans, his snores, the sleep apnea.

#833
It was gross.

#834
He was repulsive, really.

#835
So he has no appetite because you're drugging him, secretly.

#836
Giving a man medicine for his disease... wherever did I get

#837
that idea?

#838
What are you writing?

#839
Writing?

#840
Oh, nothing.

#841
Drawing.

#842
Drawing conclusions.

#843
And... drawing this.

#844
You like it?

#845
It's very generous.

#846
Dee, I'm afraid I have a serious issue to discuss with you.

#847
Yeah.

#848
I cannot help you if you are lying in every session.

#849
Lying?

#850
Why would I be lying?

#851
What are you talking about?

#852
Why would you... where are you getting this?

#853
Were you or were you not... Uh-huh.

#854
...the first choice for the female lead in The Notebook?

#855
Yes.

#856
Yes, I was and I had to, unfortunately, pass because of

#857
a scheduling conflict.

#858
We...

#859
We went over this.

#860
I graciously handed it to Rachel McAdams and she did a fine job

#861
with the film.

#862
I'm secure enough to admit that.

#863
I'm finding all this hard to believe.

#864
Oh, what do you want to hear, Doc, huh?

#865
That I had cigarettes put out on me when I was a kid?

#866
That this isn't a surgery scar, huh?

#867
That my father stabbed me? Huh?

#868
Okay, let me interrupt you for a second, okay, because I

#869
think we have an example happening right before our eyes.

#870
You're speaking right now with a Brooklyn accent and yet...

#871
Boston.

#872
It was a Boston accent.

#873
The accent was clearly from Brooklyn.

#874
This isn't a surgery scar.

#875
No, you don't say scar.

#876
That's clearly Brook... Yes, I did.

#877
No.

#878
Okay, the point is, Dee... >> It's a really good... Hmm?

#879
...I just met your father and I think that little bit was from

#880
Good Will Hunting.

#881
Yeah, he's not my father.

#882
That's a whole can of worms.

#883
I don't want to go into it.

#884
But it was from Good Will Hunting.

#885
How-how did you enjoy it?

#886
I'd rather discuss the father issue.

#887
You know what, she really wasn't that great, now that I

#888
think about it.

#889
Who?

#890
Rachel McAdams.

#891
Feel like I could've done a better job.

#892
Do you think that I would've done a better job, with that

#893
Ryan Gosling?

#894
I've never seen you act.

#895
Oh, really?

#896
Uh... ta-da!

#897
I've been lying the whole time!

#898
Oh!

#899
So, good, you admitted it.

#900
Uh-uh, that was acting.

#901
What I just... right there was acting.

#902
I said I was lying, and that wasn't even true.

#903
That was acting.

#904
All right, so uh!

#905
You are...

#906
I am so... I'm good.

#907
I am so... How are you feeling about all of what I'm doing?

#908
Did you like that?

#909
Did you think that was good?

#910
Tell me I'm good.

#911
Tell me it was good.

#912
Tell me I'm good.

#913
Tell me I'm good.

#914
Tell me that was good.

#915
Tell me I'm good.

#916
Tell me I'm good.

#917
Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

#918
Tell me I'm good.

#919
Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

#920
Tell me I'm good.

#921
You're good.

#922
Thank you.

#923
Was it that hard?

#924
What is happening?

#925
Let it out.

#926
Let it out, Frank.

#927
Dennis, there was another twin in your mother's womb.

#928
We were going to call him Donnie.

#929
You and Deandra devoured him before he could be born.

#930
You gobbled him up.

#931
That can't possibly be true.

#932
Donnie!

#933
You would've been the good one.

#934
It would've been Bruce's kid anyway, Frank.

#935
Jesus Christ.

#936
I can't take much more of this shit.

#937
It's starting to irritate me.

#938
Dennis, Dennis, you should do some quadra-lift thrusters with me.

#939
Oh, better yet, get up on my shoulders.

#940
That's even better because then I need more weight on my back.

#941
Mac, if you want to get big, take a size pill.

#942
Take a size pill.

#943
No, thank you.

#944
What do you mean, "No, thank you"?

#945
Good for you.

#946
Yeah, I want to do this the right way, Dennis.

#947
The therapist implied that God wanted me to have bovine

#948
hormones and I think she's going to get them for me.

#949
Dennis, can I give you some advice?

#950
Absolutely not.

#951
Look, hey, do what you want to do in life, you know, and

#952
there's nothing wrong with that.

#953
Oh, what I want to do?

#954
Mmm, well... that's what I want to do.

#955
Oh, well, I applaud you for that.

#956
Absolutely, you know.

#957
Oh, good.

#958
And now know that, of course, I'll come back at you with

#959
everything that I have.

#960
What are you...?

#961
Get him, Charlie.

#962
Go ahead, get him.

#963
Get him, get him, get him, get him.

#964
Get him for Donnie.

#965
Get him.

#966
How's that? Huh?

#967
You having a white Christmas?

#968
You having a white Christmas, you bitch?

#969
This ends now, lady.

#970
This ends now.

#971
You got Frank all messed up, you got Mac not taking his size

#972
pills, you got Charlie thinking that he's well-adjusted when

#973
he's the craziest of all.

#974
Stop calling me crazy!

#975
I'm not crazy.

#976
You're crazy, okay?

#977
You've been eating pigeon all day and loving it.

#978
You all ate pigeon.

#979
What?

#980
What?

#981
Yeah, I served you pigeon, okay?

#982
I'm not going to spend my money on a pheasant when I can get a

#983
perfectly good street bird.

#984
All right, you ate pigeon...

#985
Oh, my God!

#986
Jesus Christ, Charlie.

#987
Screw it.

#988
Tell him I'm not crazy.

#989
You are... you know what, I don't care.

#990
I'm going to get my stomach pumped.

#991
Lady, you got to finish this, okay? Give us answers now.

#992
Well, I think we've made some great steps today.

#993
Dishes!

#994
- What? - Dishes.

#995
- There is much more at play here than just... - Dishes!

#996
So you want me to just tell you who... Dishes.

#997
Dishes.

#998
On a severe dysfunctional... Dishes, dishes,

#999
dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes... Okay, okay!

#1000
Dee, do the dishes.

#1001
Boom!

#1002
Blah!

#1003
I feel like a weight has been lifted.

#1004
You're a good therapist.

#1005
She is pretty good.

#1006
That's good.

#1007
You goddamn dirty... Oh, I got an idea.

#1008
I'll do the dishes, okay?

#1009
Oh, there's the dishes.

#1010
Guys like that?

#1011
Are you happy now?

#1012
Here's some dishes.

#1013
You screwed me, you bitch.

#1014
There's the dishes, all really nice and clean.

#1015
Good idea.

#1016
Dee, do the dishes.

#1017
Here, I got it, I got it. Do I need help?

#1018
No, sit tight, please, have a beer. I'll do the dishes.

#1019
I got it, please, help yourself to the desert.

#1020
It's in the refrigerator.

#1021
You like this, huh? Here's the dishes.

#1022
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#1023
Therapy is stupid.

#1024
I don't trust a shrink.

#1025
They screw with your head.

#1026
Frank, it's the only way to settle the argument and find out who is the winner.

#1028
Yeah, actually, this argument is more about

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