Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S08E10 — Reynolds vs Reynolds - The Cereal Defense

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 8, Episode 10 — Reynolds vs Reynolds - The Cereal Defense

#1
CHARLIE: Okay, but now you make a right-hand turn... FRANK: Make a right turn.

#2
Okay, making a right.

#3
You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights.

#4
Those are traffic signals.

#5
Okay. All right, wait a minute, I haven't gotten there yet!

#6
(Charlie on tape) And, great.

#7
You should be making a left turn here.

#8
There's no left!

#9
You don't know where I am, tape.

#10
This ain't working, Charlie.

#11
This ain't working.

#12
You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights.

#13
Those are traffic signals.

#14
I passed the traffic signals!

#15
(tape rewinds)

#16
You should pass three... It's stuck!

#17
Charlie, I need you here!

#18
This tape isn't working.

#19
(over radio): This is KPFN Public Radio.

#20
(over radio) Today, on Do It Yourself Gardening: composting.

#21
I'm sure many of you are wondering what composting involves.

#22
(tires squealing)

#23
You should pass three fuzzy poles with blinking lights.

#24
Hate those poles and the blinking lights!

#25
(over radio): Make sure your compost pile gets plenty of air.

#26
Now... DENNIS: Oh Sandra... you dumb bitch.

#27
(tires screech, metal crunches)

#28
Wha...?

#29
MAC: Charlie, what is so hard to understand?

#30
I believe that if I inseminated the right woman, our seed could

#31
potentially-- through an X-Men-type genetic mutation--

#32
create a son capable of bending steel.

#33
SWEET DEE: Uh-uh.

#34
CHARLIE: That's completely insane.

#35
Do you understand genetic mutations at all?

#36
Do you hear what you're saying?

#37
I didn't cause any damages, Dennis.

#38
Yeah, not to the exterior of my car, but to the interior of my car.

#39
My interior is ruined.

#40
Guys, so, I'm sitting at a red light, at a dead stop, and Frank rams into me.

#41
Out of nowhere!

#42
And now he's saying he's not gonna pay for the damages.

#43
I mean, did you know that the man cannot see?

#44
I can see! I got glasses.

#45
I just need new lenses.

#46
The lenses are what make the glasses work, Frank!

#47
If you were driving around without the use of sight, then that is completely

#48
irresponsible, and you need to pay for the damages.

#49
Yeah.

#50
None of the damages were my fault.

#51
Well, it sounds like all of the damages were your fault.

#52
I mean, Frank, how are we even talking about this?

#53
Yeah, if you rammed into... He ran directly into somebody else.

#54
Dennis was eating a bowl of cereal.

#55
What?

#56
He was eating a bowl of cereal when I hit him, and it

#57
spilled all over the interior, and those are the only damages

#58
to the car.

#59
You were eating a... bowl of cereal?

#60
Yes.

#61
While you were driving?

#62
Yes. It's not that crazy.

#63
That's not what this is about.

#64
Well, it's a little bit about that.

#65
Yeah, there's a high spill factor if you're driving...

#66
Actually, it's a lot about that.

#67
(stammers): Come on, I don't have to justify myself to you!

#68
You know what I'm gonna do?

#69
I'm gonna take you to court.

#70
Fine. Fine.

#71
Nobody needs to go to court here.

#72
There's no reason we can't settle this ourselves, like civilized adults.

#73
No, we can't, Dee, so I'm gonna take him to court, I'm gonna sue him,

#74
and I'm gonna win.

#75
Dennis, you don't want to go anywhere near a court.

#76
How many bench warrants for sexual misconduct do you have?

#77
(Dennis exhales slowly)

#78
I-I probably have... yeah.

#79
Yeah. And, Frank, how many unregistered guns are in your car right now?

#80
A lot.

#81
Ooh, I like where you're headed with this, Dee, and, uh,

#82
if I may, I think what you're proposing is that we handle this little matter...

#83
internally.

#84
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#85
(indistinct conversation)

#86
Okay, uh, okay okay okay.

#87
I'd like to begin with my opening statement, uh, if I could.

#88
First off, uh, who is the defendant in this matter?

#89
That's not a statement.

#90
All right, well, irregardless, uh, I would like to know, as Frank's lawyer, who

#91
I am persecuting or who I'm defending.

#92
Yeah. Prosecuting.

#93
Okay, let me just nip this whole thing in the bud right now.

#94
Stop treating this like it's a trial, and like this is a courtroom.

#95
Yeah, but the tables.

#96
Yeah, but I was against that, too, okay?

#97
Let's just present the facts to each other, and then let's

#98
decide as a majority who's in the right.

#99
That being said, Frank would be the defendant.

#100
I'm not the defendant.

#101
No, that implies that I am guilty.

#102
He's right.

#103
If anyone's ever accused of anything, I automatically assume they're guilty.

#104
You do, right?

#105
I'm gonna make you the defendant.

#106
Okay, and I'll make Frank the defendant, and then we'll split it up after.

#107
You're the defendant.

#108
You aren't prosecuting him!

#109
I'm finished! I'm finished.

#110
Where have you been for the last three hours?

#111
I have been making... this.

#112
What the hell is that?

#113
It's the Trial Meter.

#114
It shows how we each feel throughout the trial.

#115
Yeah, I made little gavels with our names on it, and we can move

#116
them accordingly.

#117
And at the end, whoever has the most gavels on their side wins.

#118
It took you three hours to make that?

#119
Yeah.

#120
Mac, let me tell you something.

#121
Nobody is gonna want to use that because it's so stupid.

#122
We are dealing with a serious issue here.

#123
You imbecile!

#124
Don't be an imbecile.

#125
Okay, my property is at stake.

#126
What are you doing?

#127
W-Well, don't do that.

#128
Look, okay, not that we're using this stupid thing, but don't

#129
start doing that because you're gonna... I like what he did there.

#130
I'm gonna go ahead and move my guy.

#131
Why? Why? We haven't presented any facts yet.

#132
Yeah, okay.

#133
Well, don't everybody start moving their gavels over to the

#134
side, we haven't even... well, good, at least you have the

#135
common sense to be on my side.

#136
Well, as your representative in this matter, I didn't have much of a choice.

#137
My hands were tied.

#138
N-N-No. No, no.

#139
You're not... you're not my representative.

#140
I will be talking for myself.

#141
This is an open and shut case, and anybody who can't see that

#142
(shouts) is a savage and an idiot!

#143
Okay, uh, I would like a five with my client, please.

#144
Oh, you want a five, counselor?

#145
I'd like to take a five, yes.

#146
All right, I'll allow it.

#147
Stop talking like this is a goddamn courtroom, please.

#148
Oh, I'm the judge!

#149
No, you're not.

#150
Can I be the bailiff?

#151
You are not anything!

#152
I'll allow it.

#153
No one is anything!

#154
(shouts): I will scratch everybody's eyes out of their sockets!

#155
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, uh, my client Frank here isn't

#156
really on trial today, you know.

#157
Common sense is on trial.

#158
And, well, common sense would tell you that eating a bowl of

#159
cereal while operating a car is, well, it's-it's reckless.

#160
It's moronic.

#161
One might even call it... donkey-brained.

#162
Donkey-brained?

#163
Uh, it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature.

#164
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy.

#165
But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around

#166
with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around

#167
without the use of your vision.

#168
Oh. That's interesting.

#169
So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be

#170
considered donkey-brained?

#171
Uh... sure. Yeah, okay, fine.

#172
I'll take it.

#173
All right.

#174
Uh, now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a...

#175
mental institution.

#176
Is this correct?

#177
That's correct.

#178
But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let

#179
me go.

#180
And, they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of

#181
everything.

#182
I would like to add into evidence Article 1.

#183
Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

#184
Mm-hmm.

#185
"By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,

#186
Reed Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not

#187
have... donkey brains."

#188
What?

#189
What? That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

#190
Well, it's written right here in plain English.

#191
Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

#192
Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent

#193
upstate, so they started calling me "Frankie Donkey Brains," and

#194
it was very traumatic.

#195
So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where

#196
they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

#197
Yeah, great. What does this have to do with anything?

#198
Uh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has

#199
donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic

#200
or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued

#201
certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then

#203
What?

#204
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal.

#205
We know Frank's not a donkey.

#206
How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?

#207
Why would I have a certificate?

#208
You don't have a certificate?

#209
N-N-No, the burden of proof is not on me.

#210
The defendant will answer the question.

#211
The defendant?

#212
I'm not the defendant!

#213
Just answer the question.

#214
No.

#215
No further questions.

#216
Oh!

#217
You got to be kidding be.

#218
Because of that?!

#219
You don't have a certificate.

#220
I mean, you know, what else are we supposed to... What in the...?!

#221
You may have donkey brains.

#222
I don't know.

#223
No one can prove that they're not donkey-brained except for him.

#224
I just... I wish you had a certificate.

#225
Oh, bullshit!

#226
Frank... would you like a glass of wine?

#227
Yeah, all right.

#228
Huh? Why not have a glass of wine?

#229
I mean, after all... Oh!

#230
Hey! Hey! Hey!

#231
You can't do that!

#232
Oh, I'm so sorry.

#233
Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie.

#234
See, I bashed into Frank while he was at a dead stop.

#235
That's completely my fault, Frank.

#236
I will pay for all the damages to your shirt.

#237
Case closed.

#238
Oh, well, when you put it like that, you got me.

#239
You know, I'm on Dennis's side now-- he just convinced me.

#240
Uh, hold-hold on one second though, Charlie.

#241
It occurs to me that Frank assumed responsibility for a

#242
potential spill the second he took the wine.

#243
Yeah, he's right.

#244
I knew the risk.

#245
So in this circumstance, it would appear that Frank is at fault.

#246
And therefore in the car, Dennis is at fault.

#247
I am on Frank's side.

#248
Case closed.

#249
I pushed... I mean, I pushed him!

#250
Boom! You nailed it.

#251
You know what?

#252
Mac just made the most credible argument of all.

#253
Hold on a second!

#254
Hold on, Charlie. Credibility?

#255
You're interested in credibility?

#256
I would like to call my next witness: Mac.

#257
So, Mac, you seem to be pretty locked into Frank's side at this point, right?

#258
And your opinion, it carries a lot of weight around here, doesn't it?

#259
Oh, absolutely.

#260
I'm a tastemaker around here.

#261
Pretty much what I say goes.

#262
And I've decided that Frank is the winner.

#263
Yeah. And, Charlie, you find Mac's arguments to be fairly

#264
credible and convincing?

#265
I do. Yeah, he makes a lot of good points.

#266
He's a good judge, and... he's an even better bailiff.

#267
So if you find Mac's arguments to be so credible, why

#268
is it that you disagree on the subject of superhumans?

#269
But we don't... (bell tolls)

#270
What? What does this have to do with the case?

#271
Well, Mac, if your character isn't credible, then are your arguments?

#272
Strike this line of questioning from the record, please.

#273
Uh, overruled.

#274
Let her continue.

#275
Mac, do you or do you not believe that you could create a

#276
superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

#277
What difference does that make?

#278
If you believe something that insane, then how could you be our tastemaker?

#279
How could we believe anything that you have to say?

#280
I'm gonna ask you one more time:

#281
do you or do you not believe that you can create a superhuman

#282
race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

#283
(drumroll)

#284
Uh, no.

#285
That's ridiculous, Dee.

#286
What are you talking about?

#287
What are you talking about?

#288
You were just... you were just telling Charlie this morning all

#289
about the... "Oh, have you seen X-Men?" and "My seed," and...

#290
Well, I was joking with Charlie. (chuckles)

#291
That could never happen in the real world, Dee.

#292
That's, like, a comic book thing.

#293
He's credible! He's credible.

#294
I win this case.

#295
It's an open and shut case.

#296
Shit, Dennis, that was... Wait-wait-wait a minute.

#297
Mac, why don't you believe that?

#298
Huh?

#299
Well, I'm just wondering.

#300
Why don't you believe that you could pass down a gene that

#301
would eventually evolve into a race of supermen?

#302
Why?

#303
Well, that's a silly question.

#304
Because evolution doesn't exist, of course.

#305
I'm sorry?

#306
Oh, could you repeat that again for the room?

#307
Because evolution is bullshit-- it's not real.

#308
Goddamn it! Recess!

#309
What? What? What? What?

#310
You got to sway Charlie.

#311
You got to make yourself credible again.

#312
What did I do?

#313
We got to stop with this-- your insane, crazy beliefs.

#314
You got to tell them that you believe in evolution.

#315
Oh, come on, Frank.

#316
That's ridiculous.

#317
We got to get Charlie to stop thinking you're a lunatic.

#318
Look, Deandra's gonna side with Dennis-- that's a given.

#319
You want me to win?

#320
Okay, Frank, for you, I will make myself credible in

#321
Charlie's eyes again, so you can win.

#322
Just give me 15 minutes.

#323
I'm finished, guys!

#324
Jesus Christ.

#325
I'm finished.

#326
Now, this is all about making myself credible in your eyes

#327
again, and I'm gonna do that by admitting that evolution... is a lie!

#328
God damn you, Mac!

#329
Yes, please do, Mac.

#330
Now, as you can see, this is the Evolution Meter.

#331
And I've put God, the creator of everything, on the right side.

#332
And evolution... on the left.

#333
I went ahead and put you guys all on the fence, 'cause of

#334
course you're gonna... Actually, no.

#335
Let's start where I would start.

#336
No matter. I'm righteous.

#337
I'm not gonna stand here, present some egghead scientific

#338
argument based on fact.

#339
I'm just a regular dude.

#340
I like to drink beer.

#341
You know, I love my family.

#342
Rock, flag, and eagle, right, Charlie?

#343
He's got a point.

#344
No, he doesn't.

#345
What?

#346
See, Charlie?

#347
These liberals are trying to assassinate my character.

#348
And I can't change their mind.

#349
I won't change my mind, 'cause I don't have to.

#350
'Cause I'm an American.

#351
I won't change my mind on anything, regardless of the

#352
facts that are set out before me.

#353
I'm dug in, and I'll never change.

#354
Mac, look.

#355
You're wasting our time.

#356
You're not gonna get us to not believe in evolution.

#357
And why is that?

#358
Because the smartest scientists in the entire world all agree that it's real.

#359
I'm glad you brought that up, because, Mr. Reynolds,

#360
science... is a liar sometimes.

#361
(bell tolls)

#362
Oh, boy.

#363
This... is Aristotle.

#364
Thought to be the smartest man on the planet.

#365
He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe,

#366
and everybody believed him, because he was so smart.

#367
Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he

#368
disproved that theory, making Aristotle and everybody else on

#369
Earth look like a... bitch.

#370
(bell tolls)

#371
'Course, Galileo then thought comets were an optical illusion,

#372
and there was no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides.

#373
Everybody believed that because he was so smart.

#374
He was also wrong, making him and everyone else on Earth look

#375
like a bitch again.

#376
And then, best of all... Sir Isaac Newton gets born, and

#377
blows everybody's nips off with his big brains.

#378
'Course, he also thought he could turn metal into gold, and

#379
died eating mercury, making him yet another stupid... bitch!

#380
(drums sound)

#381
Are you seeing a pattern?

#382
No.

#383
Mr. Reynolds, these were all the smartest scientists on the planet.

#384
Only problem is, they kept being wrong.

#385
Sometimes.

#386
(bell tolls)

#387
This is insane, you fool.

#388
I'm a fool because I have more faith in the saints that

#389
wrote the Bible?

#390
Yeah, because you just read the words of a bunch of guys

#391
that you never met, and you just take it on faith that everything

#392
they wrote was true.

#393
Hm.

#394
And what makes you think what your scientists are writing is

#395
any more truer than my saints?

#396
Because there are volumes of proven data.

#397
Numbers. You know, figures.

#398
Th-There are fossil records.

#399
Oh, fossil records.

#400
Ah! I didn't even think about the fossil records.

#401
I guess I'll concede.

#402
Oh, wait, uh, one more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds.

#403
Have you seen these fossil records?

#404
(bell tolls)

#405
Have I... huh?

#406
Have you pored through the data yourself?

#407
The numbers? The figures?

#408
Well, no. I'm-- no.

#409
Oh.

#410
Interesting.

#411
So let me get this straight, Mr.

#412
Reynolds.

#413
You get your information from a book written by men you've never

#414
met.

#415
And you take their words as truth, based on a willingness to

#416
believe, a desire to accept, a leap of... of, dare I say it?

#417
(laughs)

#418
Faith?

#419
(bell tolls)

#420
Come on, come on.

#421
Look, I mean-- I don't even know how I'm supposed to respond to

#422
that.

#423
(bell tolls)

#424
Like... oh, come on.

#425
That is a... that's a false equivalency.

#426
(bell tolls)

#427
Just answer the question, Mr.

#428
Reynolds.

#429
Sure. Yeah, okay.

#430
I rest my case.

#431
Well, that got me.

#432
Frank, do you want to, uh... Put me over.

#433
Yeah, all right.

#434
What?

#435
Well, we're going on the fence.

#436
I mean, that's a shadow of a doubt.

#437
You actually don't believe in evolution anymore?

#438
I don't know.

#439
He created a reasonable doubt.

#440
He makes you sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch.

#441
Yeah, he got you good.

#442
Eh... oh, my God.

#443
(talking over each other)

#444
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#445
What-What are we even talking about?

#446
How did we get on evolution?

#447
This is not about evolution.

#448
Well, it became about that when you attacked Mac's character.

#449
Yeah, like they did in the O.J. trial to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman.

#450
Right!

#451
Okay, let's just get back on track here.

#452
I would like to make my closing arguments.

#453
N-No, no, no, no, no.

#454
This has gone on long enough.

#455
And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you give a shit about any of this, anyway?

#456
You don't know?

#457
You can't think of why I might like to set a precedent of

#458
responsibility for when someone's car gets destroyed?

#459
No.

#460
Anybody else? Anybody?

#461
I... I can't really think of anything.

#462
Can you think of anything?

#463
I'm blank.

#464
Not ringing a bell for me.

#465
You guys have destroyed every single car that I have ever owned!

#466
And we've never had so much as a conversation about it, much less a trial.

#467
A whole trial!

#468
Are you making that up?

#469
Isn't this... What is she talking about?

#470
Are you sure that happened?

#471
Oh, you sons of bitches.

#472
Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches!

#473
I am going to destroy everything you own!

#474
Ooh.

#475
'Kay, you know what?

#476
I'm gonna end this.

#477
I'm gonna end this!

#478
Oh!

#479
I still vote for Dennis.

#480
All right, well, I'm still for Frank.

#481
Yeah.

#482
And I am actually gonna go to the fence.

#483
What?

#484
God.

#485
Oh, goddamn it!

#486
We're nowhere with this.

#487
All right, okay, guys, settle down.

#488
I think if we've learned anything today, it's that, you

#489
know, we can't just take things based on faith.

#490
Only seeing is believing, right?

#491
Let's take this to the streets.

#492
Thanks, guys.

#493
Yeah, man. No worries.

#494
Have a good one.

#495
See you later.

#496
Have a nice day.

#497
Bye bye.

#498
Okay, here's the deal.

#499
Dennis, if you can drive to your apartment and back without

#500
spilling a single drop, Dee, your precedent is set, and

#501
Frank, you pay for everything.

#502
Fine.

#503
Good.

#504
Okay, and Frank, if you can drive to our place and back

#505
without getting in an accident with me giving you directions,

#506
you can continue to drive as long as I'm in the car with you.

#507
Deal!

#508
All right.

#509
On your mark. Get set. Go!

#510
Did he say it was a race?

#511
No.

#512
Why are they running?

#513
I have no idea.

#514
All right, steady.

#515
Steady as she goes.

#516
I'm going straight.

#517
Beautiful.

#518
No, beautiful stuff.

#519
This is the best.

#520
Yeah. Dee, uh, please prepare me a bowl of cereal.

#521
Yup.

#522
What are you doing?

#523
We got to see for ourselves how reckless this is.

#524
And you hold it in one hand and drive with the other.

#525
Interesting.

#526
Yeah, I know.

#527
Pretty mind-blowing stuff, isn't it?

#528
Then I stop at a stoplight, and, once I'm stopped, and everything

#529
is safe... take a bite.

#530
All right, here we go.

#531
(mumbling): Hold on.

#532
Make a... make a left right there.

#533
Make a what?

#534
Uh-huh. Go left.

#535
Make a left.

#536
Right.

#537
Right?

#538
No!

#539
Make up your mind!

#540
Deandra, shut up!

#541
Well, dude, now that we're alone, you can admit it.

#542
I mean, I swayed you on evolution a little bit, right?

#543
Well, I... (crunch)

#544
Ah!

#545
That's crazy! That is insane!

#546
How do you hit me again?

#547
It was Deandra's fault.

#548
What?

#549
She gave me the wrong directions.

#550
This way, that way!

#551
Guys, it was actually pretty cut and dried.

#552
It was Dee's fault.

#553
I was trying to give directions and she interrupted me.

#554
***

#555
***

#556
This is your fault? This is perfect.

#557
Guys, we were all here to witness it.

#558
It was Dee's fault, she'll pay for the damages.

#559
Absolutely. She should, yeah.

#560
That's it.

#561
Don't you dare.

#562
No, it was-- oh, you know, I have an idea.

#563
Should we have a trial? Me and Charlie?

#564
- Kind of just had a trial. - Too many trials.

#565
Can't have a trial for every person.

#566
Let's just have her pay for it and be done with this.

#567
All right, that's it.

#568
N-no, no, no!

#569
What are you-- no, because Charlie was giving the-- I was only--

#570
Goddammit!

#571
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#572
(indistinct conversation)

#573
Okay, uh, okay okay okay.

#574
I'd like to begin with my opening statement, uh, if I could.

#576
That's not a statement.

#577
All right, well, irregardless, uh, I would like to know, as Frank's lawyer, who

#578
I am persecuting or who I'm defending.

#580
Okay, let me just nip this whole thing in the bud right now.

#581
Stop treating this like it's a trial, and like this is a courtroom.

#582
Yeah, but the tables.

#583
Yeah, but I was against that, too, okay?

#584
Let's just present the facts to each other, and then let's

#585
decide as a majority who's in the right.

#586
That being said, Frank would be the defendant.

#587
I'm not the defendant.

#589
He's right.

#590
If anyone's ever accused of anything, I automatically assume they're guilty.

#591
You do, right?

#593
Okay, and I'll make Frank the defendant, and then we'll split it up after.

#594
You're the defendant.

#595
You aren't prosecuting him!

#597
Where have you been for the last three hours?

#598
I have been making... this.

#599
What the hell is that?

#600
It's the Trial Meter.

#602
Yeah, I made little gavels with our names on it, and we can move

#603
them accordingly.

#605
It took you three hours to make that?

#606
Yeah.

#607
Mac, let me tell you something.

#608
Nobody is gonna want to use that because it's so stupid.

#609
We are dealing with a serious issue here.

#610
You imbecile!

#611
Don't be an imbecile.

#612
Okay, my property is at stake.

#613
What are you doing?

#614
W-Well, don't do that.

#615
Look, okay, not that we're using this stupid thing, but don't

#616
start doing that because you're gonna... I like what he did there.

#617
I'm gonna go ahead and move my guy.

#618
Why? Why? We haven't presented any facts yet.

#619
Yeah, okay.

#620
Well, don't everybody start moving their gavels over to the

#621
side, we haven't even... well, good, at least you have the

#622
common sense to be on my side.

#623
Well, as your representative in this matter, I didn't have much of a choice.

#624
My hands were tied.

#625
N-N-No. No, no.

#626
You're not... you're not my representative.

#627
I will be talking for myself.

#628
This is an open and shut case, and anybody who can't see that

#629
(shouts) is a savage and an idiot!

#630
Okay, uh, I would like a five with my client, please.

#631
Oh, you want a five, counselor?

#632
I'd like to take a five, yes.

#633
All right, I'll allow it.

#635
Oh, I'm the judge!

#636
No, you're not.

#637
Can I be the bailiff?

#638
You are not anything!

#639
I'll allow it.

#640
No one is anything!

#641
(shouts): I will scratch everybody's eyes out of their sockets!

#642
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, uh, my client Frank here isn't

#643
really on trial today, you know.

#644
Common sense is on trial.

#645
And, well, common sense would tell you that eating a bowl of

#647
It's moronic.

#648
One might even call it... donkey-brained.

#649
Donkey-brained?

#650
Uh, it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature.

#651
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy.

#652
But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around

#653
with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around

#654
without the use of your vision.

#655
Oh. That's interesting.

#656
So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be

#657
considered donkey-brained?

#659
I'll take it.

#660
All right.

#661
Uh, now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a...

#662
mental institution.

#663
Is this correct?

#664
That's correct.

#665
But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let

#666
me go.

#667
And, they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of

#668
everything.

#669
I would like to add into evidence Article 1.

#670
Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?

#671
Mm-hmm.

#673
Reed Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not

#675
What?

#676
What? That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?

#677
Well, it's written right here in plain English.

#678
Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?

#680
upstate, so they started calling me "Frankie Donkey Brains," and

#681
it was very traumatic.

#682
So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where

#683
they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.

#684
Yeah, great. What does this have to do with anything?

#687
or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued

#689
I ask you this: do you have any such certificate?

#690
What?

#691
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal.

#692
We know Frank's not a donkey.

#695
You don't have a certificate?

#696
N-N-No, the burden of proof is not on me.

#697
The defendant will answer the question.

#698
The defendant?

#699
I'm not the defendant!

#701
No.

#702
No further questions.

#703
Oh!

#704
You got to be kidding be.

#705
Because of that?!

#706
You don't have a certificate.

#707
I mean, you know, what else are we supposed to... What in the...?!

#708
You may have donkey brains.

#709
I don't know.

#710
No one can prove that they're not donkey-brained except for him.

#712
Oh, bullshit!

#713
Frank... would you like a glass of wine?

#714
Yeah, all right.

#715
Huh? Why not have a glass of wine?

#717
Hey! Hey! Hey!

#718
You can't do that!

#720
Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie.

#721
See, I bashed into Frank while he was at a dead stop.

#722
That's completely my fault, Frank.

#724
Case closed.

#725
Oh, well, when you put it like that, you got me.

#727
Uh, hold-hold on one second though, Charlie.

#728
It occurs to me that Frank assumed responsibility for a

#730
Yeah, he's right.

#731
I knew the risk.

#732
So in this circumstance, it would appear that Frank is at fault.

#733
And therefore in the car, Dennis is at fault.

#734
I am on Frank's side.

#735
Case closed.

#736
I pushed... I mean, I pushed him!

#737
Boom! You nailed it.

#738
You know what?

#739
Mac just made the most credible argument of all.

#740
Hold on a second!

#741
Hold on, Charlie. Credibility?

#742
You're interested in credibility?

#746
Oh, absolutely.

#747
I'm a tastemaker around here.

#748
Pretty much what I say goes.

#749
And I've decided that Frank is the winner.

#750
Yeah. And, Charlie, you find Mac's arguments to be fairly

#751
credible and convincing?

#753
He's a good judge, and... he's an even better bailiff.

#754
So if you find Mac's arguments to be so credible, why

#755
is it that you disagree on the subject of superhumans?

#756
But we don't... (bell tolls)

#757
What? What does this have to do with the case?

#758
Well, Mac, if your character isn't credible, then are your arguments?

#759
Strike this line of questioning from the record, please.

#760
Uh, overruled.

#761
Let her continue.

#762
Mac, do you or do you not believe that you could create a

#763
superhuman race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

#764
What difference does that make?

#765
If you believe something that insane, then how could you be our tastemaker?

#766
How could we believe anything that you have to say?

#767
I'm gonna ask you one more time:

#768
do you or do you not believe that you can create a superhuman

#769
race of strongmen through genetic mutation and evolution?

#770
(drumroll)

#771
Uh, no.

#772
That's ridiculous, Dee.

#773
What are you talking about?

#774
What are you talking about?

#775
You were just... you were just telling Charlie this morning all

#776
about the... "Oh, have you seen X-Men?" and "My seed," and...

#777
Well, I was joking with Charlie. (chuckles)

#778
That could never happen in the real world, Dee.

#779
That's, like, a comic book thing.

#780
He's credible! He's credible.

#781
I win this case.

#782
It's an open and shut case.

#783
Shit, Dennis, that was... Wait-wait-wait a minute.

#784
Mac, why don't you believe that?

#785
Huh?

#786
Well, I'm just wondering.

#787
Why don't you believe that you could pass down a gene that

#788
would eventually evolve into a race of supermen?

#789
Why?

#790
Well, that's a silly question.

#791
Because evolution doesn't exist, of course.

#792
I'm sorry?

#793
Oh, could you repeat that again for the room?

#794
Because evolution is bullshit-- it's not real.

#795
Goddamn it! Recess!

#796
What? What? What? What?

#797
You got to sway Charlie.

#798
You got to make yourself credible again.

#799
What did I do?

#800
We got to stop with this-- your insane, crazy beliefs.

#801
You got to tell them that you believe in evolution.

#802
Oh, come on, Frank.

#803
That's ridiculous.

#804
We got to get Charlie to stop thinking you're a lunatic.

#805
Look, Deandra's gonna side with Dennis-- that's a given.

#806
You want me to win?

#807
Okay, Frank, for you, I will make myself credible in

#808
Charlie's eyes again, so you can win.

#809
Just give me 15 minutes.

#810
I'm finished, guys!

#811
Jesus Christ.

#812
I'm finished.

#813
Now, this is all about making myself credible in your eyes

#814
again, and I'm gonna do that by admitting that evolution... is a lie!

#815
God damn you, Mac!

#816
Yes, please do, Mac.

#817
Now, as you can see, this is the Evolution Meter.

#818
And I've put God, the creator of everything, on the right side.

#819
And evolution... on the left.

#820
I went ahead and put you guys all on the fence, 'cause of

#821
course you're gonna... Actually, no.

#822
Let's start where I would start.

#823
No matter. I'm righteous.

#824
I'm not gonna stand here, present some egghead scientific

#825
argument based on fact.

#826
I'm just a regular dude.

#827
I like to drink beer.

#828
You know, I love my family.

#829
Rock, flag, and eagle, right, Charlie?

#830
He's got a point.

#831
No, he doesn't.

#832
What?

#833
See, Charlie?

#834
These liberals are trying to assassinate my character.

#835
And I can't change their mind.

#836
I won't change my mind, 'cause I don't have to.

#837
'Cause I'm an American.

#838
I won't change my mind on anything, regardless of the

#839
facts that are set out before me.

#840
I'm dug in, and I'll never change.

#841
Mac, look.

#842
You're wasting our time.

#843
You're not gonna get us to not believe in evolution.

#844
And why is that?

#845
Because the smartest scientists in the entire world all agree that it's real.

#846
I'm glad you brought that up, because, Mr. Reynolds,

#847
science... is a liar sometimes.

#848
(bell tolls)

#849
Oh, boy.

#850
This... is Aristotle.

#851
Thought to be the smartest man on the planet.

#852
He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe,

#853
and everybody believed him, because he was so smart.

#854
Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he

#855
disproved that theory, making Aristotle and everybody else on

#856
Earth look like a... bitch.

#857
(bell tolls)

#858
'Course, Galileo then thought comets were an optical illusion,

#859
and there was no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides.

#860
Everybody believed that because he was so smart.

#861
He was also wrong, making him and everyone else on Earth look

#862
like a bitch again.

#863
And then, best of all... Sir Isaac Newton gets born, and

#864
blows everybody's nips off with his big brains.

#865
'Course, he also thought he could turn metal into gold, and

#866
died eating mercury, making him yet another stupid... bitch!

#867
(drums sound)

#868
Are you seeing a pattern?

#869
No.

#870
Mr. Reynolds, these were all the smartest scientists on the planet.

#871
Only problem is, they kept being wrong.

#872
Sometimes.

#873
(bell tolls)

#874
This is insane, you fool.

#875
I'm a fool because I have more faith in the saints that

#876
wrote the Bible?

#877
Yeah, because you just read the words of a bunch of guys

#878
that you never met, and you just take it on faith that everything

#879
they wrote was true.

#880
Hm.

#881
And what makes you think what your scientists are writing is

#882
any more truer than my saints?

#883
Because there are volumes of proven data.

#884
Numbers. You know, figures.

#885
Th-There are fossil records.

#886
Oh, fossil records.

#887
Ah! I didn't even think about the fossil records.

#888
I guess I'll concede.

#889
Oh, wait, uh, one more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds.

#890
Have you seen these fossil records?

#891
(bell tolls)

#892
Have I... huh?

#893
Have you pored through the data yourself?

#894
The numbers? The figures?

#895
Well, no. I'm-- no.

#896
Oh.

#897
Interesting.

#898
So let me get this straight, Mr.

#899
Reynolds.

#900
You get your information from a book written by men you've never

#901
met.

#902
And you take their words as truth, based on a willingness to

#903
believe, a desire to accept, a leap of... of, dare I say it?

#904
(laughs)

#905
Faith?

#906
(bell tolls)

#907
Come on, come on.

#908
Look, I mean-- I don't even know how I'm supposed to respond to

#909
that.

#910
(bell tolls)

#911
Like... oh, come on.

#912
That is a... that's a false equivalency.

#913
(bell tolls)

#914
Just answer the question, Mr.

#915
Reynolds.

#916
Sure. Yeah, okay.

#917
I rest my case.

#918
Well, that got me.

#919
Frank, do you want to, uh... Put me over.

#920
Yeah, all right.

#921
What?

#922
Well, we're going on the fence.

#923
I mean, that's a shadow of a doubt.

#924
You actually don't believe in evolution anymore?

#925
I don't know.

#926
He created a reasonable doubt.

#927
He makes you sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch.

#928
Yeah, he got you good.

#929
Eh... oh, my God.

#930
(talking over each other)

#931
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#932
What-What are we even talking about?

#933
How did we get on evolution?

#934
This is not about evolution.

#935
Well, it became about that when you attacked Mac's character.

#936
Yeah, like they did in the O.J. trial to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman.

#937
Right!

#938
Okay, let's just get back on track here.

#939
I would like to make my closing arguments.

#940
N-No, no, no, no, no.

#941
This has gone on long enough.

#942
And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you give a shit about any of this, anyway?

#943
You don't know?

#944
You can't think of why I might like to set a precedent of

#945
responsibility for when someone's car gets destroyed?

#946
No.

#947
Anybody else? Anybody?

#948
I... I can't really think of anything.

#949
Can you think of anything?

#950
I'm blank.

#951
Not ringing a bell for me.

#952
You guys have destroyed every single car that I have ever owned!

#953
And we've never had so much as a conversation about it, much less a trial.

#954
A whole trial!

#955
Are you making that up?

#956
Isn't this... What is she talking about?

#957
Are you sure that happened?

#958
Oh, you sons of bitches.

#959
Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches!

#960
I am going to destroy everything you own!

#961
Ooh.

#962
'Kay, you know what?

#963
I'm gonna end this.

#964
I'm gonna end this!

#965
Oh!

#966
I still vote for Dennis.

#967
All right, well, I'm still for Frank.

#968
Yeah.

#969
And I am actually gonna go to the fence.

#970
What?

#971
God.

#972
Oh, goddamn it!

#973
We're nowhere with this.

#974
All right, okay, guys, settle down.

#975
I think if we've learned anything today, it's that, you

#976
know, we can't just take things based on faith.

#977
Only seeing is believing, right?

#978
Let's take this to the streets.

#979
Thanks, guys.

#980
Yeah, man. No worries.

#981
Have a good one.

#982
See you later.

#983
Have a nice day.

#984
Bye bye.

#985
Okay, here's the deal.

#986
Dennis, if you can drive to your apartment and back without

#987
spilling a single drop, Dee, your precedent is set, and

#988
Frank, you pay for everything.

#989
Fine.

#990
Good.

#991
Okay, and Frank, if you can drive to our place and back

#992
without getting in an accident with me giving you directions,

#993
you can continue to drive as long as I'm in the car with you.

#994
Deal!

#995
All right.

#996
On your mark. Get set. Go!

#997
Did he say it was a race?

#998
No.

#999
Why are they running?

#1000
I have no idea.

#1001
All right, steady.

#1002
Steady as she goes.

#1003
I'm going straight.

#1004
Beautiful.

#1005
No, beautiful stuff.

#1006
This is the best.

#1007
Yeah. Dee, uh, please prepare me a bowl of cereal.

#1008
Yup.

#1009
What are you doing?

#1010
We got to see for ourselves how reckless this is.

#1011
And you hold it in one hand and drive with the other.

#1012
Interesting.

#1013
Yeah, I know.

#1014
Pretty mind-blowing stuff, isn't it?

#1015
Then I stop at a stoplight, and, once I'm stopped, and everything

#1016
is safe... take a bite.

#1017
All right, here we go.

#1018
(mumbling): Hold on.

#1019
Make a... make a left right there.

#1020
Make a what?

#1021
Uh-huh. Go left.

#1022
Make a left.

#1023
Right.

#1024
Right?

#1025
No!

#1026
Make up your mind!

#1027
Deandra, shut up!

#1028
Well, dude, now that we're alone, you can admit it.

#1029
I mean, I swayed you on evolution a little bit, right?

#1030
Well, I... (crunch)

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