Home » Fight Club (1999) » S01E01 — Fight Club (1999)

Fight Club (1999)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Fight Club (1999)

#1
NARRATOR: People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.

#2
TYLER: Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero.

#3
Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?

#4
(muffled)

#5
NARRATOR: With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.

#6
I can't think of anything.

#7
For a second I totally forget about Tyler's whole controlled demolition thing,

#8
and I wonder how clean that gun is.

#9
It's getting exciting now.

#10
That old saying, how you always hurt the one you love?

#11
Well, it works both ways.

#12
- (sirens wailing) - We've front row seats for this theater of mass destruction.

#13
The demolitions committee of Project Mayhem,

#14
wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin.

#15
In two minutes, primary charges will blow base charges,

#16
- and a few square blocks will be reduced

#17
- to smoldering rubble. - (beeping)

#18
I know this because Tyler knows this.

#19
Two and a half. Think of everything we've accomplished.

#20
And suddenly, I realize that all of this--

#21
the gun, the bombs, the revolution--

#22
has got something to do with a girl named Marla Singer.

#23
Bob. Bob had bitch-tits.

#24
This was a support group

#25
- for men with testicular cancer. - (sobbing)

#26
The big moosey slobbering all over me-- that was Bob.

#27
We're still men.

#28
Yes, we're men.

#29
Men is what we are.

#30
Eight months ago, Bob's testicles were removed. Then hormone therapy.

#31
He developed bitch-tits because his testosterone was too high,

#32
and his body upped the estrogen.

#33
- And that was where I fit. - They're gonna have to open up my pecs again

#34
- and drain the fluid. - Between those huge, sweating tits

#35
that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big.

#36
Okay. You cry now.

#37
- No, wait. Back up. Let me start earlier. - (clock ticking)

#38
For six months, I couldn't sleep.

#39
(echoing) I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep.

#40
With insomnia, nothing's real.

#41
Everything's far away.

#42
Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy.

#43
- When deep space exploration ramps up... - (line ringing)

#44
...it'll be the corporations that name everything--

#45
the IBM Stellarsphere,

#46
the Microsoft Galaxy,

#47
planet Starbucks.

#48
Gonna need you out of town a little more this week. We got some red flags to cover.

#49
It must've been Tuesday. He was wearing his cornflower-blue tie.

#50
You want me to de-prioritize my current reports...

#51
- Yeah. - ...until you advise of a status upgrade?

#52
Make these your primary action items.

#53
Here's your flight coupons. Call me from the road if there's any snags.

#54
NARRATOR: He was full of pep.

#55
Must have had his grande latte enema.

#56
Like so many others, I had become a slave

#57
- to the Ikea nesting instinct. - WOMAN (indistinct)

#58
Uh, yes. I'd like to order the Erika Pekkari dust ruffles.

#59
- WOMAN: Please hold. - If I saw something clever,

#60
like a little coffee table in the shape of a yin-yang, I had to have it.

#61
The Klipske personal office unit,

#62
the Hovetrekke home exer-bike,

#63
or the Johannshamn sofa with the Strinne green stripe pattern.

#64
Even the Rizlampa wire lamps

#65
of environmentally friendly unbleached paper.

#66
I'd flip through catalogs and wonder:

#67
What kind of dining set defines me as a person?

#68
I had it all-- even the glass dishes

#69
with tiny bubbles and imperfections,

#70
proof that they were crafted by the honest, simple,

#71
- hard-working indigenous peoples of... - WOMAN: Please hold.

#72
- ...wherever. - I was holding.

#73
- AUTOMATED VOICE: Your call is important to us. - We used to read pornography.

#74
Now it was the Horchow collection.

#75
No, you can't die from insomnia.

#76
What about narcolepsy? I nod off. I wake up in strange places.

#77
- I have no idea how I got there. - You need to lighten up.

#78
Can you please just get me something?

#79
NARRATOR: Red and blue Tuenols, lipstick-red Seconals.

#80
No. You need healthy, natural sleep.

#81
Chew some valerian root and get more exercise.

#82
Hey, come on. I'm in pain.

#83
You wanna see pain? Swing by First Methodist Tuesday nights.

#84
See the guys with testicular cancer.

#85
That's pain.

#86
♪ (chorus vocalizing)

#87
I always wanted three kids-- two boys and a girl.

#88
Mindy wanted two girls and a boy.

#89
We never could agree on anything.

#90
Well, uh, you know, she--

#91
She had her first child last week, a-- a girl.

#92
With-With her, uh-- With her new husband.

#93
MAN (whispering): Fuck.

#94
And-- And thank God, you know? (chuckles)

#95
I'm-I'm glad for her.

#96
(whimpering) Because she deserves it.

#97
Aw.

#98
Everyone, let's thank Thomas for sharing himself with us.

#99
ALL: Thank you, Thomas.

#100
I look around this room, and I see a lot of courage,

#101
and that gives me strength.

#102
We give each other strength.

#103
It's time for the one-on-ones. So let's all of us here

#104
follow Thomas' good example, and really open ourselves up.

#105
Would you find a partner, please?

#106
NARRATOR: And this is how I met the big moosey.

#107
MAN: Come on. Let's go over here.

#108
NARRATOR: His eyes already shrink-wrapped in tears.

#109
Knees together. Those awkward little steps.

#110
- My name is Bob. - Bob--

#111
NARRATOR: Bob had been a champion bodybuilder.

#112
You know that chest-expansion program you see on late-night TV?

#113
- That was his idea. - I was a juicer.

#114
You know, using steroids.

#115
Diabonal and...

#116
Wistrol.

#117
Oh, they use that on racehorses, for Christ's sakes.

#118
And now I'm bankrupt.

#119
I'm divorced.

#120
My two grown kids

#121
won't even return my phone calls. (sniffles)

#122
NARRATOR: Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big rubbery one.

#123
Go ahead, Cornelius.

#124
You can cry.

#125
(crying)

#126
- NARRATOR: And then, something happened. - (crying continues)

#127
- I let go. - That's really good.

#128
Lost in oblivion, dark and silent and complete.

#129
♪ (choir)

#130
I found freedom.

#131
Losing all hope was freedom.

#132
It's okay.

#133
(grunts)

#134
- Babies don't sleep this well. - (snores)

#135
I became addicted.

#136
(people chattering)

#137
(chattering)

#138
NARRATOR: If I didn't say anything,

#139
people always assumed the worst.

#140
- MAN: Welcome, Travis. - MAN #2: Welcome, Travis.

#141
- They cried harder. - (sobbing)

#142
Then I cried harder.

#143
(group chattering)

#144
WOMAN: Now we're going to open the green door--

#145
the heart chakra.

#146
- NARRATOR: I wasn't really dying. - WOMAN (continues)

#147
I wasn't host to cancer or parasites.

#148
I was the warm little center that the life of this world crowded around.

#149
Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light.

#150
It moves over your body, healing you.

#151
Now, keep this going. Remember to breathe,

#152
and step forward through the back door of the room.

#153
Where does it lead? To your cave.

#154
Step forward into your cave.

#155
That's right.

#156
You're going deeper into your cave,

#157
and you're going to find your power animal.

#158
(cooing)

#159
Slide.

#160
(giggles)

#161
NARRATOR: Every evening I died,

#162
and every evening I was born again.

#163
Resurrected.

#164
MEN (sobbing)

#165
Bob loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too.

#166
Being there, pressed against his tits,

#167
ready to cry.

#168
This was my vacation.

#169
And she... ruined... everything.

#170
This is cancer, right?

#171
This chick, Marla Singer,

#172
did not have testicular cancer.

#173
She was a liar.

#174
She had no diseases at all.

#175
I had seen her at Free and Clear, my blood parasites group Thursdays.

#176
Then at Hope, my bimonthly sickle-cell circle.

#177
And again at Seize the Day, my tuberculosis Friday night.

#178
(coughing)

#179
Marla, the big tourist.

#180
Her lie reflected my lie,

#181
and suddenly, I felt nothing.

#182
I couldn't cry.

#183
So once again, I couldn't sleep.

#184
Next group, after guided meditation,

#185
after we open our heart chakras, when it's time to hug,

#186
I'm gonna grab that little bitch Marla Singer and scream--

#187
Marla, you liar! You big tourist!

#188
I need this! Now get out!

#189
(clock ticking)

#190
NARRATOR: I hadn't slept in four days.

#191
MAN (on TV): Absolutely. We'll just let that dry.

#192
NARRATOR: When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep,

#193
- and you're never really awake. - (applause on TV)

#194
- (bells tolling) - WOMAN: To begin tonight's communion,

#195
Chloe would like to say a few words.

#196
NARRATOR: Oh, yeah. Chloe.

#197
Chloe looked the way Meryl Streep's skeleton would look

#198
if you made it smile and walk around the party being extra nice to everybody.

#199
Well, I'm still here,

#200
but I don't know for how long.

#201
That's as much certainty as anyone can give me.

#202
But I've got some good news.

#203
I no longer have any fear of death.

#204
But I am in a pretty lonely place.

#205
No one will have sex with me.

#206
I'm so close to the end, and all I want is to get laid for the last time.

#207
I have pornographic movies in my apartment--

#208
and lubricants and amyl nitrate.

#209
Thank you, Chloe.

#210
Everyone, let's thank Chloe.

#211
- WOMAN #2: Thanks, Chloe. - MEMBERS: Thank you, Chloe.

#212
(coughing)

#213
Now, let's ready ourself for guided meditation.

#214
You're standing at the entrance of your cave.

#215
You step inside your cave, and you walk.

#216
NARRATOR: If I did have a tumor,

#217
- I'd name it Marla. - It's a very quiet place.

#218
Marla-- the little scratch on the roof of your mouth

#219
that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.

#220
WOMAN: Step deeper into your cave as you walk.

#221
You feel the healing energy of this place all around you.

#222
Now find your power animal.

#223
Slide.

#224
WOMAN: Okay. Now let's partner up.

#225
Pick someone special to you tonight.

#226
(chattering)

#227
Hey.

#228
- We need to talk. - Sure.

#229
- I'm on to you. - What?

#230
Yeah. You're a faker. You're not dying.

#231
Sorry?

#232
In the Tibetan philosophy, Sylvia Plath sense of the word,

#233
I know we're all-- we're all dying, all right?

#234
But you're not dying the way Chloe back there is dying.

#235
So?

#236
So you're a tourist. Okay? I've seen you.

#237
I saw you-- saw you at melanoma. Saw you at tuberculosis.

#238
I saw you at testicular cancer.

#239
I saw you practicing this.

#240
- Practicing what? - Telling me off.

#241
Is it going as well as you hoped, "Rupert"?

#242
- I'll expose you. - Go ahead. I'll expose you.

#243
WOMAN: All right, come together. Let yourselves cry.

#244
(crying softly)

#245
Oh, God, why are you doing this?

#246
It's cheaper than a movie, and there's free coffee.

#247
No, look. This is important, okay?

#248
These are my groups. I've been coming here for over a year.

#249
Why do you do it?

#250
I don't know. When people think you're dying,

#251
man, they really, really listen to you instead of just--

#252
Instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?

#253
Yeah. Yeah.

#254
- Share yourself... completely. - (moans)

#255
Look, you don't want to get into this. It becomes an addiction.

#256
- Really? - I'm not kidding.

#257
I can't cry if there's another faker present, and I need this.

#258
So you got to find somewhere else to go.

#259
Candy-stripe a cancer ward. It's not my problem.

#260
Wait, wait-- Wait a second. Ho-Hold on.

#261
I'll tell you. We're gonna split up the week, okay?

#262
You take lymphoma and tuberculosis--

#263
You take tuberculosis. My smoking doesn't go over at all.

#264
- Okay. Good. Fine. - (coughs)

#265
Testicular cancer should be no contest, I think.

#266
Well, technically, I have more right to be there than you.

#267
- You still have your balls. - You're kidding.

#268
- I don't know. Am I? - No. No.

#269
- What do you want? - I'll take the parasites.

#270
You can't have both the parasites, but why don't you take the blood parasites--

#271
- I want brain parasites. - I'll take the blood parasites,

#272
- but I'm gonna take the organic brain dementia, okay? - I want that.

#273
You can't have the whole brain.

#274
- So far you have four. I only have two. - Okay.

#275
Take both the parasites. They're yours. Now we both have three.

#276
Hey, you left half your clothes!

#277
(tires squealing)

#278
(car horns honking)

#279
- What, are you selling those? - Yes! I'm selling some clothes.

#280
So, we each have three. That's six.

#281
What about the seventh day? I want ascending bowel cancer.

#282
- NARRATOR: The girl had done her homework. - Thank you.

#283
No. No. I want bowel cancer.

#284
That's your favorite too? Tried to slip it by me, eh?

#285
We're gonna split it, okay? Take the first and third Sunday of the month.

#286
(horns honking in distance)

#287
Deal.

#288
Looks like this is good-bye.

#289
Well, let's not make a big thing out of it, okay?

#290
How's this for not making a big thing?

#291
(door opens)

#292
Hey, Marla!

#293
- (horn honks) - Marla!

#294
May-Maybe we should exchange numbers.

#295
- Should we? - We might want to switch nights.

#296
Okay.

#297
♪ (humming)

#298
NARRATOR: This is how I met Marla Singer.

#299
♪ (humming continues)

#300
Marla's philosophy of life was that she might die at any moment.

#301
The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.

#302
It doesn't have your name. Who are you?

#303
- Cornelius? Rupert? Travis? - (horns honking)

#304
Any of the stupid names you give each night?

#305
- (turbulence) - NARRATOR: You wake up at Sea-Tac,

#306
S.F.O., L.A.X.

#307
- (camera shutter clicks) - You wake up at O'Hare,

#308
Dallas-Fort Worth,

#309
B.W.I.,

#310
pacific, mountain, central.

#311
Lose an hour. Gain an hour.

#312
Check-in for that flight doesn't begin for another two hours, sir.

#313
This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

#314
- (bell dings) - You wake up at Air Harbor International.

#315
WOMAN (on P.A.): ...the aircraft has come to a complete stop.

#316
NARRATOR: If you wake up at a different time, in a different place,

#317
could you wake up as a different person?

#318
Everywhere I travel-- tiny life.

#319
Single-serving sugar. Single-serving cream.

#320
Single pat of butter.

#321
The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit.

#322
Shampoo-conditioner combos.

#323
Sample package mouthwash. Tiny bars of soap.

#324
MAN: ...professional wait staff--

#325
NARRATOR: The people I meet on each flight, they're single-serving friends.

#326
Between takeoff and landing, we have our time together,

#327
but that's all we get.

#328
ALL: Welcome!

#329
NARRATOR: On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

#330
I was a recall coordinator. My job was to apply the formula.

#331
Here's where the infant went through the windshield. Three points.

#332
NARRATOR: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 miles per hour.

#333
The rear differential locks up.

#334
MAN: The teenager's braces are wrapped around the backseat ashtray.

#335
Might make a good anti-smoking ad.

#336
NARRATOR: The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside.

#337
Now, should we initiate a recall?

#338
The father must've been huge. You see where the fat's burned to the seat?

#339
The polyester shirt?

#340
- Very modern art. - (chuckles)

#341
NARRATOR: Take the number of vehicles in the field, "A,"

#342
multiply it by the probable rate of failure, "B,"

#343
then multiply the result by the average out-of-court settlement, "C."

#344
"A" times "B" times "C"--

#345
equals "X."

#346
If "X" is less than the cost of a recall,

#347
we don't do one.

#348
Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?

#349
You wouldn't believe.

#350
Which car company do you work for?

#351
A major one.

#352
NARRATOR: Every time the plane banked too sharply

#353
on takeoff or landing, I prayed for a crash or a midair collision.

#354
Anything.

#355
(screaming)

#356
Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a business trip.

#357
(dings)

#358
"If you are seated in an emergency exit row"-- Yeah.

#359
"And you feel you would be unable or unwilling to perform

#360
the duties listed on the safety card,

#361
please ask a flight attendant to reseat you."

#362
It's a lot of responsibility.

#363
Wanna switch seats?

#364
No. I'm not sure I'm the man for that particular job.

#365
An exit-door procedure at 30,000 feet. Mm-hmm.

#366
The illusion of safety.

#367
Yeah. I guess so.

#368
You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?

#369
So you can breathe.

#370
Oxygen gets you high.

#371
In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant, panicked breaths.

#372
Suddenly you become euphoric, docile.

#373
You accept your fate.

#374
It's all right here.

#375
Emergency water landing-- 600 miles an hour.

#376
Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.

#377
That's, um--

#378
That's an interesting theory.

#379
- What do you do? - What do you mean?

#380
What do you do for a living?

#381
Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?

#382
(laughs) Okay.

#383
You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.

#384
We have the exact same briefcase.

#385
- Soap. - Sorry?

#386
I make and I sell soap.

#387
The yardstick of civilization.

#388
- NARRATOR: And this is how I met-- - "Tyler Durden."

#389
Did you know if you mixed equal parts of gasoline

#390
and frozen orange juice concentrate, you can make napalm?

#391
No, I did not know that. Is that true?

#392
That's right. One can make all kinds of explosives using simple household items.

#393
- Really? - If one were so inclined.

#394
(briefcase latches click)

#395
Tyler, you are by far the most interesting

#396
"single-serving" friend I've ever met.

#397
See, I have this thing-- Everything on a plane is single-serving, even--

#398
- Oh, I get it. It's very clever. - Well, thank you.

#399
How's that working out for you?

#400
- What? - Being clever.

#401
Great.

#402
Keep it up then. Keep it right up.

#403
(sighs) Now a question of etiquette.

#404
As I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

#405
NARRATOR: How I came to live with Tyler is--

#406
Airlines have this policy about vibrating luggage.

#407
WOMAN (on P.A., indistinct)

#408
Was-Was it ticking?

#409
Actually, throwers don't worry about ticking, 'cause modern bombs don't tick.

#410
- Sorry. "Throwers"? - Baggage handlers.

#411
But when a suitcase vibrates, then the thrower's gotta call the police.

#412
My suitcase... was vibrating?

#413
Nine times out of 10, it's an electric razor,

#414
but every once in a while...

#415
(whispering) it's a dildo.

#416
Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo.

#417
We have to use the indefinite article-- "A" dildo.

#418
Never... "your" dildo.

#419
I don't own--

#420
NARRATOR: I had everything in that suitcase--

#421
My CK shirts, my DKNY shoes,

#422
my AX ties.

#423
- Never mind. - (tires squealing)

#424
MAN: Hey! That's my car!

#425
- (police radio chatter) - (siren wailing)

#426
NARRATOR: Home was a condo on the 15th floor

#427
of a filing cabinet for widows and young professionals.

#428
The walls were solid concrete.

#429
A foot of concrete's important when your next-door neighbor lets her hearing aid go

#430
and has to watch game shows at full volume.

#431
Or when a volcanic blast and debris

#432
that used to be your furniture and personal effects

#433
blows out of your floor-to-ceiling windows

#434
and sails flaming into the night.

#435
(helicopter circling)

#436
(police radio chatter)

#437
I suppose these things happen.

#438
There's nothing up there.

#439
You can't go into the unit. Police orders.

#440
Do you have somebody you can call?

#441
NARRATOR: How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no food.

#442
The police would later tell me that the pilot light might have gone out,

#443
letting out just a little bit of gas.

#444
That gas could have slowly filled the condo--

#445
1,700 square feet with high ceilings for days and days.

#446
(dialing)

#447
- (line ringing) - Then the refrigerator's compressor could've clicked on.

#448
(ringing)

#449
MARLA: Yeah?

#450
- I can hear you breathing, you-- - (handset settles in cradle)

#451
NARRATOR: If you asked me now, I couldn't tell you why I called him.

#452
(line ringing)

#453
- (engine starts) - (ringing continues)

#454
(vehicle departs)

#455
(rings)

#456
(ringing continues)

#457
Hello?

#458
TYLER: Who's this? (crunching)

#459
Tyler?

#460
- Who is this? - Um-- (clears throat)

#461
We met-- We met on the airplane. We had the same suitcase.

#462
- (crunching continues) - Uh, the clever guy.

#463
TYLER: Oh. (laughing) Oh, yeah. Right. Okay.

#464
I called a second ago. There was no answer. I'm at a pay phone.

#465
Yeah. I star-69ed you. I never pick up my phone. (crunching)

#466
- So, what's up, man? - Uh, well--

#467
You're not gonna believe this.

#468
TYLER: You know, man, it could be worse.

#469
A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping

#470
and toss it out the window of a moving car.

#471
There's always that. I don't know. It's just--

#472
When you buy furniture, you tell yourself, "That's it.

#473
That's the last sofa I'm gonna need."

#474
Whatever else happens, I've got that sofa problem handled.

#475
I had it all. I had a stereo that was very decent,

#476
a wardrobe that was getting very respectable.

#477
I was close to being complete.

#478
- Shit, man. Now it's all gone. - All gone.

#479
Hmm. All gone.

#480
Do you know what a duvet is?

#481
- Comforter. - It's a blanket.

#482
Just a blanket. Why do guys like you and I know what a duvet is?

#483
Is this essential to our survival in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word?

#484
No. What are we then?

#485
We're, uh-- I don't know. Consumers.

#486
Right. We are consumers.

#487
We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession.

#488
Murder, crime, poverty-- These things don't concern me.

#489
What concerns me are celebrity magazines,

#490
television with 500 channels,

#491
some guy's name on my underwear.

#492
Rogaine, Viagra, olestra.

#493
- Martha Stewart. - Fuck Martha Stewart.

#494
Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man.

#495
So fuck off with your sofa units

#496
and Strinne green stripe patterns.

#497
I say, never be complete.

#498
I say, stop being perfect. I say, let-let's evolve.

#499
Let the chips fall where they may.

#500
But that's me, and I could be wrong. Maybe it's a terrible tragedy.

#501
Nah. It's just-- It's just stuff.

#502
- It's not a tragedy, but-- - Well, you did lose

#503
a lot of versatile solutions for modern living.

#504
Fuck. You're right. No. I don't smoke.

#505
My-- My insurance is probably gonna cover it, so--

#506
(grunts)

#507
What?

#508
The things you own end up owning you.

#509
But do what you like, man.

#510
(groans) Oh, it's late.

#511
- Hey, thanks for the beer. - Yeah, man.

#512
I should find a hotel.

#513
- (groans) - What?

#514
- What? - A hotel?

#515
- Yeah. - Just ask, man.

#516
- What are you talking about? - (chuckles) Oh, God.

#517
Three pitchers of beer, and you still can't ask.

#518
- What? - You called me 'cause you needed a place to stay.

#519
- Oh, hey, hey-- No, no, no. I didn't mean-- - Yes, you did. So just ask.

#520
Cut the foreplay and just ask, man.

#521
Would-Would that be a problem?

#522
Is it a problem for you to ask?

#523
- Can I stay at your place? - Yeah.

#524
Thanks.

#525
- I want you to do me a favor. - Yeah, sure.

#526
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

#527
What?

#528
I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

#529
NARRATOR: Let me tell you a little bit about Tyler Durden.

#530
Tyler was a night person.

#531
While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked.

#532
He had one part-time job as a projectionist.

#533
See, a movie doesn't come all on one big reel. It comes on a few.

#534
So someone has to be there to switch the projectors

#535
at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins.

#536
If you look for it, you can see these little dots

#537
- come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen. - (beep)

#538
In the industry, we call them "cigarette burns."

#539
That's the cue for a changeover.

#540
He flips the projectors, movie keeps right on going,

#541
and nobody in the audience has any idea.

#542
Why would anyone want this shit job?

#543
Because it affords him other interesting opportunities.

#544
Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.

#545
So when the snooty cat and the courageous dog with the celebrity voices

#546
meet for the first time in reel three,

#547
that's when you'll catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the film.

#548
♪ (singing in movie)

#549
- WOMAN (moans) - ♪ (singing continues)

#550
Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did.

#551
A nice, big cock.

#552
♪ (singing continues)

#553
(crying)

#554
Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Tyler at work.

#555
♪ (soft piano)

#556
Tyler also works sometimes as a banquet waiter

#557
at the luxurious Pressman Hotel.

#558
- (urinating) - He was the guerrilla terrorist in the food service industry.

#559
Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.

#560
Apart from seasoning the lobster bisque,

#561
he farted on meringues, sneezed on braised endive.

#562
And as for the cream of mushroom soup, well--

#563
- (chuckles) Go ahead. Tell them. - You get the idea.

#564
- What do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you? - Come on. Do me this one favor.

#565
- Why? - Why? I don't know why. I don't know.

#566
- I've never been in a fight. You? - No, but that's a good thing.

#567
No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?

#568
I don't wanna die without any scars.

#569
So, come on. Hit me before I lose my nerve.

#570
Oh, God. This is crazy. I--

#571
- So go crazy. Let 'er rip. - Hey, I don't know about this.

#572
I don't either, but who gives a shit?

#573
- No one's watching. What do you care? - Wait.

#574
- This is crazy. You want me to hit you? - That's right.

#575
- What, like, in the face? - (laughing) Surprise me.

#576
This is so fucking stupid.

#577
(train horn blowing in distance)

#578
(grunts)

#579
Motherfucker!

#580
- You hit me in the ear! - Well, Jesus, I'm sorry.

#581
Ow! Christ! Why the ear, man?

#582
- Aw, I fucked it up kinda. - No. That was perfect.

#583
(grunts)

#584
- (groaning) - (chuckles)

#585
Nah, it's all right.

#586
- You okay? - That really hurts.

#587
- Right. - Hit me again.

#588
(laughing) No. You hit me. Come on.

#589
BOTH (grunting)

#590
(siren wailing in distance)

#591
We should do this again sometime.

#592
(chuckles)

#593
- Where's your car? - What car?

#594
(belches)

#595
NARRATOR: I don't know how Tyler found that house,

#596
but he said he'd been there for a year.

#597
- It looked like it was waiting to be torn down. - (groans)

#598
Most of the windows were boarded up.

#599
There was no lock on the front door

#600
from when the police or whoever kicked it in.

#601
- The stairs were ready to collapse. - (board cracks)

#602
I didn't know if he owned it or if he was squatting.

#603
Neither would have surprised me.

#604
Yep. That's you.

#605
That's me. That's the toilet. Good?

#606
Yeah. Thanks.

#607
- NARRATOR: What a shit-hole. - (springs clang)

#608
- Nothing worked. - (water pipes rumble)

#609
Turning on one light meant another light in the house went out.

#610
There were no neighbors, just some warehouses and a paper mill--

#611
That fart smell of steam, the hamster cage smell of wood chips.

#612
- After work tomorrow, we'll be-- - Hey. What have we here?

#613
BOTH (grunting)

#614
Hold on. Hold on. (groans)

#615
- Hey, guys. - Hey.

#616
- Hey. - It's cool. (grunts)

#617
♪ (whistling)

#618
NARRATOR: Every time it rained, we had to kill the power.

#619
By the end of the first month, I didn't miss TV.

#620
That's it. Okay.

#621
I didn't even mind the warm, stale refrigerator.

#622
BOTH (grunting)

#623
Can I be next?

#624
All right, man. Lose the tie.

#625
- (glass shatters) - Ooh! (laughs)

#626
NARRATOR: At night, Tyler and I were alone for a half a mile in every direction.

#627
- (glass shatters) - You got it.

#628
Rain trickled down through the plaster and the light fixtures.

#629
Everything wooden swelled and shrank.

#630
Everywhere were rusted nails to snag your elbow on.

#631
The previous occupant had been a bit of a shut-in.

#632
- (bell dings) - Hey, man, what are you reading?

#633
Listen to this. It's an article written by an organ in the first person.

#634
"I am Jack's medulla oblongata.

#635
Without me, Jack could not regulate his heart rate, blood pressure or breathing."

#636
There's a whole series of these.

#637
- I Am Jill's Nipples. - (clattering)

#638
- I Am Jack's Colon. - Yeah. "I get cancer. I kill Jack."

#639
Whoa-- Ohh!

#640
NARRATOR: After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

#641
(muted chattering)

#642
- What? - NARRATOR: You could deal with anything.

#643
Have you finished those reports?

#644
- (water splashes) - TYLER: If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?

#645
- (scrubbing) - I'd fight my boss, probably.

#646
Really?

#647
Yeah. Why? Who would you fight?

#648
- I'd fight my dad. - I don't know my dad.

#649
I mean, I know him, but he left when I was, like, six years old,

#650
married this other woman and had some other kids.

#651
He, like, did this every six years.

#652
He goes to a new city and starts a new family.

#653
Fucker settin' up franchises.

#654
My dad never went to college, so it was real important that I go.

#655
- That sounds familiar. - So I graduate. I call him up long distance.

#656
I say, "Dad, now what?" He says, "Get a job."

#657
- Same here. - Now I'm 25.

#658
I make my yearly call again. I say, "Dad, now what?"

#659
He says, "I don't know. Get married."

#660
(scoffs) I mean-- I can't get married.

#661
- (thunder rumbles) - I'm a 30-year-old boy.

#662
We're a generation of men raised by women.

#663
I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

#664
NARRATOR: Most of the week, we were Ozzie and Harriet.

#665
- ♪ (whistling) - But every Saturday night,

#666
- we were finding something out. - MEN (shouting)

#667
We were finding out more and more that we were not alone.

#668
MEN (groaning)

#669
MAN: Who turned the lights off?

#670
It used to be that when I came home angry or depressed--

#671
- MAN: Good night, Marla. - I'd just clean my condo,

#672
polish my Scandinavian furniture.

#673
I should've been looking for a new condo.

#674
I should've been haggling with my insurance company.

#675
I should've been upset about my nice, neat flaming little shit.

#676
But I wasn't.

#677
The basic premise of cyber-netting any office is make things more efficient.

#678
NARRATOR: Monday mornings, all I could do was think about next week.

#679
Can I get the icon in cornflower blue?

#680
Absolutely. Efficiency is priority number one, people.

#681
Because waste is a thief.

#682
I showed this already to my man here. You liked it, didn't you?

#683
(hisses)

#684
NARRATOR: You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.

#685
It was right in everyone's face.

#686
Tyler and I just made it visible.

#687
It was on the tip of everyone's tongue.

#688
- Tyler and I just gave it a name. - ♪ (rock)

#689
♪ MAN (singing, indistinct)

#690
Come on, people, you gotta go home.

#691
♪ (continues)

#692
Turn off the jukebox. Lock the back.

#693
- MAN: Keep it down. - MAN #2 (hawks)

#694
- Keep it down. - (spits)

#695
NARRATOR: Every week, Tyler gave the rules that he and I decided.

#696
Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club.

#697
(switch clicks)

#698
The first rule of Fight Club is

#699
you do not talk about Fight Club.

#700
The second rule of Fight Club is

#701
you do not talk about Fight Club.

#702
Third rule of Fight Club--

#703
Someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.

#704
- Fourth rule-- Only two guys to a fight. - (scattered laughter)

#705
Fifth rule-- One fight at a time, fellas.

#706
- (laughter) - Sixth rule-- No shirts, no shoes.

#707
Seventh rule-- Fights will go on as long as they have to.

#708
And the eighth and final rule--

#709
If this is your first night at Fight Club,

#710
you have to fight.

#711
(loud shouting, cheering)

#712
NARRATOR: This kid from work, Ricky,

#713
couldn't remember whether you ordered pens with blue ink or black.

#714
- Come on, man! - But Ricky was a god for 10 minutes

#715
when he trounced the maître d' of a local food court.

#716
Sometimes, all you could hear were the flat, hard packing sounds over the yelling.

#717
Or the wet choke when someone caught their breath and sprayed--

#718
- Stop! - You weren't alive anywhere like you were there.

#719
But Fight Club only exists in the hours

#720
between when Fight Club starts and when Fight Club ends.

#721
Even if I could tell someone they had a good fight,

#722
I wouldn't be talking to the same man.

#723
Who you were in Fight Club is not who you were in the rest of the world.

#724
The guy who came to Fight Club for the first time,

#725
his ass was a wad of cookie dough.

#726
After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.

#727
If you could fight any celebrity, who would you fight?

#728
- Alive or dead? - It doesn't matter. Who'd be tough?

#729
Hemingway. You?

#730
Shatner. I'd fight William Shatner.

#731
NARRATOR: We all started seeing things differently.

#732
- (clattering) - Everywhere we went, we were sizing things up.

#733
I felt sorry for guys packed into gyms,

#734
trying to look like how Calvin Klein

#735
or Tommy Hilfiger said they should.

#736
Is that what a man looks like?

#737
(laughing) Ahh. Self-improvement is masturbation.

#738
Now, self-destruction--

#739
- Excuse me. - WOMAN (coughing)

#740
(screaming)

#741
ALL (shouting)

#742
Pound his ass! Hit him again, man! Come on! Hit him!

#743
(shouting continues)

#744
NARRATOR: Fight Club wasn't about winning or losing.

#745
It wasn't about words.

#746
The hysterical shouting was in tongues,

#747
like in a Pentecostal church.

#748
- Is that it? - Stop! Stop!

#749
When the fight was over, nothing was solved,

#750
- but nothing mattered. - Hey, cool.

#751
NARRATOR: Afterwards, we all felt saved.

#752
Hey, man, how about next week?

#753
- How about next month? - I hear you.

#754
Irvin, you're in the middle. New guy. You too.

#755
NARRATOR: Sometimes, Tyler spoke for me.

#756
Fell down some stairs.

#757
I fell down some stairs.

#758
Fight Club became the reason to cut your hair short or trim your fingernails.

#759
Okay. Any historical figure.

#760
I'd fight Gandhi.

#761
- Good answer. - How about you?

#762
- Lincoln. - Lincoln?

#763
Mm. Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight till they're burger.

#764
(groans) Fuck.

#765
Hey. Even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.

#766
(rings)

#767
Hello.

#768
MARLA: Where have you been the last eight weeks?

#769
- Marla? - (karate yell)

#770
- How'd you find me? - You left that forwarding number.

#771
I haven't seen you in any support groups.

#772
Yeah, we split them up. That was the idea, remember?

#773
Yeah, but you haven't been going to yours.

#774
- How do you know? - I cheated.

#775
- (karate yell) - I found a new one.

#776
- Really? - It's for men only.

#777
- Like the testicle thing? - (karate yell)

#778
- Look, this is a bad time. - I've been going to Debtors Anonymous.

#779
- You wanna see some really fucked-up people? - I'm just on my way out.

#780
Me too. I've got a stomach full of Xanax.

#781
I took what was left of a bottle.

#782
It might have been too much.

#783
NARRATOR: Just picture watching Marla Singer throw herself

#784
around her crummy apartment.

#785
But this isn't a for-real suicide thing.

#786
This is probably one of those cry-for-help things.

#787
- NARRATOR: This could go on for hours. - You're staying in tonight then?

#788
Do you wanna wait and hear me describe death?

#789
Do you wanna listen

#790
and see if my spirit can use a phone?

#791
- (clattering) - Have you ever heard a death rattle before?

#792
NARRATOR: Tyler's door was closed. I'd been living here for two months,

#793
and Tyler's door was never closed.

#794
(footsteps on stairs)

#795
You won't believe this dream I had last night.

#796
Yeah, I can hardly believe anything about last night.

#797
(gargles, chuckles)

#798
What-What are you doing here?

#799
What?

#800
This is my house. What are you doing in my house?

#801
Fuck you.

#802
(cup clatters)

#803
(laughs) Ah!

#804
Oh, you got some fucked-up friends, I'm tellin' you.

#805
(chuckling) Limber, though.

#806
Silly cooze.

#807
So I come in last night. Phone's off the hook.

#808
Guess who's on the other end.

#809
NARRATOR: I already knew the story before he told it to me.

#810
Have you ever heard a death rattle before?

#811
Do you think it'll live up to its name?

#812
Or will it just be a death hair ball?

#813
(coughs)

#814
Prepare... to evacuate soul.

#815
Ten, nine, eight--

#816
NARRATOR: Now, how could Tyler, of all people,

#817
think it was a bad thing that Marla Singer was about to die?

#818
MARLA: Five, four,

#819
three-- Oh, hang on.

#820
You got here fast.

#821
♪ WOMAN (singing, indistinct)

#822
Did I call you?

#823
Huh?

#824
Hey. (chuckles)

#825
(stifled laugh)

#826
The mattress is all sealed in slippery plastic.

#827
(rattling)

#828
Oh, don't worry. It's not a threat to you.

#829
(siren wailing)

#830
Oh, fuck.

#831
Somebody called the cops.

#832
(police radio chatter)

#833
- (radio chatter continues) - OFFICER: Back there!

#834
OFFICERS (shouting)

#835
- 513-- Where's 513? - Oh, end of the hall.

#836
You know, the girl who lives there used to be a charming, lovely girl.

#837
- (dog barking) - She's lost faith in herself.

#838
- Miss Singer! - She's a monster.

#839
You have every reason to live!

#840
She's infectious human waste!

#841
- Miss Singer! - Good luck trying to save her!

#842
If I fall asleep, I'm done for.

#843
You're gonna have to keep me up

#844
all night.

#845
Un-fucking-believable. (coughs)

#846
NARRATOR: He was obviously able to handle it.

#847
- You know what I mean. You fucked her. - No, I didn't.

#848
- Never? - No.

#849
- You're not into her, are you? - No! God, not at all.

#850
NARRATOR: I am Jack's raging bile duct.

#851
Are you sure? You can tell me.

#852
- Believe me, I'm sure. - NARRATOR: Put a gun to my head

#853
and paint the walls with my brains.

#854
That's good, 'cause she's a predator posing as a house pet.

#855
Stay away from that one.

#856
(chuckling)

#857
And the shit that came out of this woman's mouth, I ain't never heard.

#858
My God.

#859
I haven't been fucked like that since grade school.

#860
- (shudders) - NARRATOR: How could Tyler not go for that?

#861
The night before last, he was splicing sex organs into Cinderella.

#862
Marla doesn't need a lover. She needs a fucking caseworker.

#863
She needs a wash. And she's in love with sport fuckin'.

#864
NARRATOR: She invaded my support groups. Now she'd invaded my home.

#865
Hey, hey. Sit down.

#866
Now, listen. Can't have you talking to her about me.

#867
- Why would I talk to her-- - You say anything about me or what goes on in this house

#868
to her or to anybody, we're done.

#869
- Now promise me. - Okay.

#870
- You promise? - Yeah, I promise.

#871
- Promise. - I just said I promise.

#872
That's three times you promised.

#873
NARRATOR: If only I had wasted a couple of minutes

#874
and gone to watch Marla Singer die, none of this would've happened.

#875
- MARLA (moaning loudly) - (loud thumping)

#876
MARLA: Oh, my God! Yeah! Oh! Harder! Harder!

#877
Yes! Ooh! Aah!

#878
Aah! Ohh! Aah!

#879
TYLER and MARLA (shouting, grunting)

#880
NARRATOR: I could've moved to another room--

#881
on the third floor, where I might not have heard them.

#882
(shouting continues)

#883
- But I didn't. - (rats squeaking)

#884
MARLA (moaning)

#885
- (loud thumping) - (moaning, screaming)

#886
- (slapping) - (moaning, screaming continue)

#887
MARLA (screaming loudly)

#888
- MARLA and TYLER (screaming) - (bed thumping)

#889
(rattling)

#890
- What are you doin'? - Just goin' to bed.

#891
- MARLA (moaning) - You want to finish her off?

#892
- (gasps) Oh! - (clattering)

#893
No. No, thank you.

#894
MARLA: I found the cigarettes.

#895
- Who are you talking to? - Shut up.

#896
- MARLA (moaning) - NARRATOR: I became the calm little center of the world.

#897
- I was the Zen master. - TYLER (grunting)

#898
I wrote little haiku poems.

#899
I e-mailed them to everyone.

#900
- Is that your blood? - (modem connecting)

#901
Some of it, yeah.

#902
- You can't smoke in here. - (snickers)

#903
Take the rest of the day off. Come back Monday with some clean clothes.

#904
Get yourself together.

#905
NARRATOR: I got right in everyone's hostile little face.

#906
Yes, these are bruises from fighting.

#907
Yes, I'm comfortable with that.

#908
I... am enlightened.

#909
You give up the condo life,

#910
give up all your flaming worldly possessions,

#911
go live in a dilapidated house

#912
- in a toxic-waste part of town-- - TYLER (grunting)

#913
- and you have to come home to this. - (loud thumping)

#914
(phone rings)

#915
TYLER and MARLA (moaning and shouting)

#916
MARLA (screaming loudly)

#917
(rings)

#918
- Hello? - Yes. This is Detective Stern with the arson unit.

#919
We have some new information about the incident

#920
- at your former condo. - Yes?

#921
I don't know if you're aware, but it seems that someone sprayed Freon

#922
into your front door lock, then tapped it with a chisel

#923
to shatter the cylinder.

#924
No, I wasn't aware of that at all.

#925
NARRATOR: I am Jack's cold sweat.

#926
Does this sound strange to you?

#927
Uh, yes, sir. Strange. Very strange.

#928
- The dynamite... - Dynamite?

#929
...left a residue of ammonium oxalate potassium chloride.

#930
- Do you know what this means? - No. What does it mean?

#931
- It means it was homemade. - I'm sorry.

#932
This is just coming as quite a shock to me, sir.

#933
See, whoever set this homemade dynamite

#934
could've blown out your pilot light days before the actual explosion.

#935
The gas was just the detonator.

#936
Who would go and do such a thing?

#937
- I'll ask the questions. - Tell him.

#938
Tell him the liberator who destroyed my property

#939
has realigned my perception.

#940
DETECTIVE: Excuse me. Are you there?

#941
No, I am listening.

#942
It's a little hard to know what to make of all this.

#943
Have you recently made enemies with anyone

#944
who might have access to homemade dynamite?

#945
- Enemies? - Reject the basic assumptions of civilization,

#946
especially the importance of material possessions.

#947
- DETECTIVE: Son, this is serious. - Yes, I know it's serious.

#948
- I mean that. - Yes, it's very serious.

#949
Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life.

#950
Okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place.

#951
That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed.

#952
- It was me! - NARRATOR: I'd like to thank the Academy.

#953
DETECTIVE: Is this not a good time for you?

#954
- Just tell him you fuckin' did it. - Shh!

#955
Tell him you blew it all up. That's what he wants to hear.

#956
- Are you still there? - Wait.

#957
- Are you saying that I'm a suspect? - No, no.

#958
I may need to talk to you a little further,

#959
so how about you just let me know if you're gonna leave town?

#960
- Okay? - Okay.

#961
NARRATOR: Except for their humping, Tyler and Marla were never in the same room.

#962
My parents pulled this exact same act for years.

#963
The condom is the glass slipper of our generation.

#964
You slip one on when you meet a stranger.

#965
You dance all night.

#966
Then you throw it away.

#967
- The condom, I mean. Not the stranger. - (lighter flicks)

#968
What?

#969
(chuckles)

#970
(inhales) I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.

#971
It was worth every penny.

#972
It's a bridesmaid's dress.

#973
Someone loved it intensely for one day,

#974
then tossed it.

#975
Like a Christmas tree.

#976
So special.

#977
Then, bam.

#978
It's on the side of the road,

#979
tinsel still clinging to it

#980
like a sex crime victim,

#981
underwear inside out,

#982
- bound with electrical tape. - Well, then it suits you.

#983
You can borrow it sometime.

#984
(stomping on stairs)

#985
Get rid of her.

#986
- Why can't you get rid of her? - Don't mention me.

#987
NARRATOR: I'm six years old again,

#988
passing messages between parents.

#989
I really think it's time you got out of here.

#990
- Don't worry. I'm leaving. - Not that we don't love your little visits.

#991
You know, you are such a nutcase. I can't even begin to keep up.

#992
(bottle clatters)

#993
- ♪ Gotta get off ♪ - Thanks. Bye.

#994
♪ Gotta get off this merry-go-round ♪

#995
♪ Gonna get, need to get ♪

#996
♪ Gotta get on where ♪

#997
(chuckling)

#998
You kids.

#999
Wh-Why do you still waste time with her?

#1000
I'll say this about Marla-- At least she's tryin' to hit bottom.

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