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Tommy Boy (1995)
» S01E01 — Tommy Boy (1995)
Tommy Boy (1995)
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Season 1, Episode 1 — Tommy Boy (1995)
#1
MOTHER: Tommy, hurry up! You're gonna be late for school again.
#2
Son of a...
#3
Damn!
#4
(BARKING)
#5
Nice doggy.
#6
(BUS HORN HONKING)
#7
Holy schnikes!
#8
Late again, Tommy?
#9
- You're pathetic. - Shut up, Richard.
#10
- Come on, Tommy! - Hurry up.
#11
Damn!
#12
(TOMMY GROANING)
#13
(BOY WHINING)
#14
Hi. How are you?
#15
Oh, man!
#16
No! Please, God, no!
#17
Son of a...
#18
(TOMMY PANTING)
#19
TOMMY: Excuse me. I'm sorry. GIRL: Hey, I got an A.
#20
Sorry. Pardon me. Can I just check this out?
#21
"D+"?
#22
Oh, my God.
#23
I passed!
#24
I passed.
#25
(LAUGHING) Man! I got a D+.
#26
I'm gonna graduate! I wish we'd known each other.
#27
This is a little awkward.
#28
I'm gonna graduate! Give me five!
#29
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
#30
I'm gonna graduate!
#31
Wombat!
#32
(ALL WHOOPING)
#33
Guys, do I look different now that I'm a college grad?
#34
Not really.
#35
Apparently, they give a lot fewer D pluses than D minuses.
#36
It's not a grade they like to give out, I'll tell you that right now.
#37
- Yeah. You mentioned that. - So that's it for school, huh? Now what?
#38
No idea.
#39
But for now I'll probably go back
#40
and work at my dad's loading dock like always.
#41
Then after that, figure it out.
#42
I'm gonna miss you, man. You were the best.
#43
Uh-uh.
#44
You were the best. I love all you guys.
#45
Especially you.
#46
I'm gonna make a toast.
#47
To the best bunch of rugby freaks ever born.
#48
Maybe we weren't the smartest guys on campus.
#49
Maybe we spent a little too much time puking off balconies.
#50
But we had fun, huh?
#51
ALL: Yeah!
#52
Now some of us are leaving and that is sad.
#53
But this isn't the end. No way.
#54
We're gonna show this world a thing or two.
#55
We're gonna show...
#56
(ALL LAUGHING)
#57
- Richard Hayden? - Tommy.
#58
So where's my dad? I thought he was gonna meet me at the airport.
#59
He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.
#60
He said he had a surprise for me.
#61
Maybe. I guess you should've called.
#62
I did call earlier when
#63
using the phone.
#64
- Earlier, when was that? - Or later. When...
#65
(STUTTERS) Then I left a message.
#66
A message? What number did you call?
#67
Two, four, niner,
#68
five, six, seven, eight...
#69
I can't hear you. You're trailing off.
#70
And did I catch a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
#71
- No, it was cordless. - You know what? Don't.
#72
Not here, not now.
#73
Did you hear I finally graduated?
#74
Yeah. In just a shade under a decade, too. All right.
#75
You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years.
#76
I know. They're called doctors.
#77
Oh, that has to be you.
#78
Spray that thing for bugs?
#79
(TOMMY CHUCKLES)
#80
- What happened to the tire plant? - Shut it down last month.
#81
Would you mind not eating in the car? It's kind of a rule.
#82
- Still got your GTX car, huh? - Yep.
#83
And I dropped in a 440 Magnum with a six-pack.
#84
You hang on to a car this cherry
#85
-kind of like your suitcase. -"Kind of like your suitcase."
#86
What's new with the old gang from high school?
#87
I don't know, Tommy. I didn't really like the old gang from high school.
#88
TOMMY: Hey, the muffler plant's gone, too.
#89
- Yep. - Man!
#90
(EXCLAIMS)
#91
Come on! Damn it!
#92
(RATTLING)
#93
That sounds good.
#94
Melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
#95
I think you're gonna be okay here. They have a thin candy shell.
#96
I'm surprised you didn't know that.
#97
I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
#98
Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
#99
- Are you talking? - Shut up, Richard.
#100
Ron, don't tell me the bank thinks we need to wait it out.
#101
Any business that tries to wait it out will be just that, out.
#102
In auto parts you're either growing or you're dying.
#103
There ain't no third direction.
#104
Tom, you're talking about a huge loan.
#105
Maybe instead of borrowing you should take on a partner.
#106
No, this always has been, always will be a family firm.
#107
My grandfather founded it in '21.
#108
My father kept it running during the Depression. My aunt Aileen ran it
#109
when he went away to war and someday my son will run it.
#110
- Hi, Dad. - BIG TOM: Tommy!
#111
(TOMMY AND BIG TOM GRUNTING)
#112
Damn, I'm proud of you. Mr. Big Time. College grad, huh?
#113
- Thanks, Dad. - Yeah.
#114
You're looking great, kid.
#115
Thanks, Mr. Rittenhauer. How you doing, Mr. Reilly?
#116
Real good. I had a kidney removed last April
#117
but I still have the other one.
#118
Yeah, you remember Mr. Gilmore from the bank.
#119
- Yeah. Nice to see you again, sir. - How are you?
#120
Why don't you come out on the floor with us?
#121
Gilmore needs reminding of why he does business with us.
#122
- Richard, could you... - Run these figures by accounting.
#123
No problem.
#124
My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.
#125
- Come on. - We should have something for you
#126
by this afternoon.
#127
Hard hats, gentlemen.
#128
You get hit in the head without wearing one of these
#129
they scoop your brains out with a goddamn soup ladle.
#130
Look alive! Low bridge!
#131
(GROANS) Son of a...
#132
- You all right, Tommy? - Yeah.
#133
- What happened? - Nothing.
#134
Danny. How's that new son-in-law?
#135
He's a real pain in the butt.
#136
Tommy, you're back! Way to go on that D+.
#137
Thanks, Danny. Looking good, man.
#138
- MAN 1: Hey, Tommy! - Hey, man. How you doing?
#139
How are you?
#140
Good to see you. How you doing?
#141
- Hey, Sammy. - Hey, Tommy.
#142
- Welcome home, buddy. - Tommy, welcome back.
#143
Hang in there, Ron. We're almost there.
#144
Lou, I got some papers I want you to sign in the office.
#145
- Hey, Louis. - Hey, Tommy!
#146
What are you doing on the floor?
#147
I was going crazy on the loading docks, so your dad moved me in here.
#148
- What is this thing? - It's a buffer.
#149
I take oil filters that need smoothing and give them a quick zap.
#150
Cool.
#151
- Can I try one? - Help yourself.
#152
(RICOCHETING)
#153
(GLASS BREAKING)
#154
Nice distance.
#155
Tommy! Come on! Let's go!
#156
Yes, sir! See you.
#157
There she is, Ron, my dream.
#158
This, my friend, is our new brake-pad division
#159
and the future of Callahan Auto.
#160
- GILMORE: Quite a sight, Tom. - This is awesome.
#161
You say these brake pads are gonna revolutionize the industry?
#162
Composed of high-grade steel and graphite.
#163
RITTENHAUER: They're the goddamn Rolls-Royce
#164
of brake pads, that's what they are.
#165
I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
#166
(EXCLAIMS)
#167
TOMMY: You're coming awful fast.
#168
- How you doing? - I need fresh capital for material
#169
for a new work force, before I can turn these machines on.
#170
Look out. I've got catlike speed and reflexes.
#171
Now, in 23 years, have I ever said no to you?
#172
Why say no when it feels so good to say yes?
#173
(SCREAMING)
#174
I was checking
#175
the specs on the end line for the rotary girder.
#176
I'm retarded.
#177
- Okay, Tom. Let's go. - Yes, sir.
#178
Okay, left.
#179
Can I open my eyes now, Dad?
#180
I told you, you didn't have to close them in the first place.
#181
Here, go ahead. Open them up.
#182
That's my name!
#183
That's your new office now, college grad.
#184
Go on in there!
#185
Awesome. Hey, there's even a fridge.
#186
This is great. You could put six-packs of
#187
soda in here. Milk, yogurt.
#188
You could put candy bars in the freezer.
#189
Anything that you want to keep cool.
#190
Mr. Callahan,
#191
I need your John Hancock on these reports.
#192
John Hancock. It's Herbie Hancock.
#193
(TOMMY EXCLAIMING)
#194
Richard, check out my new office.
#195
RICHARD: You have a window.
#196
And why shouldn't you? You've been here ten minutes.
#197
Now look, Son, these are our new catalogs.
#198
Get to know them. They're important.
#199
Richard, I want you to promise me you'll look after Tommy Boy here
#200
till he gets his feet wet.
#201
Sure. And thanks for choosing me.
#202
Now don't forget, we're going home early today.
#203
- I got another surprise for you. - TOMMY: Cool.
#204
Thanks, Dad.
#205
It's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right.
#206
Group of words together is a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches.
#207
Midol for any cramps.
#208
Shut up.
#209
Can I open my eyes now, Dad?
#210
For God's sake, Son, will you quit covering your damn eyes?
#211
Holy schnikes.
#212
- Is that for me? - No, Son, that's for me.
#213
TOMMY: Oh, man!
#214
Dad, she's like a 10.
#215
- Hi, honey. - Hi.
#216
- Hi. - This must be Tommy. Are you Tommy?
#217
- I'm Tommy. - I'm Beverly and you are just adorable.
#218
Son, I got an announcement to make.
#219
Tom, I've asked Beverly to be my wife.
#220
(EXCLAIMS)
#221
(LAUGHING) Man!
#222
What'd she say?
#223
It's so cool that you're getting married Saturday.
#224
- So where'd you guys meet? - Here you go, sweetie.
#225
We met at that fat farm spa resort thing. Beverly was one of the trainers.
#226
In fact, she was the only one of the trainers I didn't want to plant
#227
six feet under a lettuce patch.
#228
Wait till you hear this, Tommy.
#229
She's got a son. He worked at the spa, too.
#230
I met him. He's a terrific guy.
#231
You're really gonna like him. He's coming here today for the wedding.
#232
Tommy, it sounds funny saying this
#233
but my son is going to be your new brother.
#234
Brother? I'm gonna have a brother?
#235
I've always dreamed about having a brother.
#236
(DOORBELL RINGING)
#237
- Speak of the devil. - A brother!
#238
- Brother? - I'm Paul.
#239
- You must be Tommy. - Brothers don't shake hands.
#240
Brothers gotta hug.
#241
(TOMMY LAUGHING)
#242
I can't believe I have a whole new family.
#243
This is awesome.
#244
- Yeah. Great. - No offense
#245
but if I sent a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school
#246
she'd definitely be Boner of the Month.
#247
I'm honored.
#248
So is there anything to do in this town besides eat?
#249
Tons of stuff. Late night pitch 'n' putt.
#250
We could go to the livestock auction and cruise the Four-H babes.
#251
Throw stuff off the bridge. What do you feel like doing?
#252
I don't know. Something a little more dangerous.
#253
Sure. All you can handle, bro.
#254
(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
#255
Look at them there.
#256
Pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left.
#257
She's perfect. Which one you want?
#258
Okay.
#259
- Does it make a difference? - Oh, yeah.
#260
Wait a second. Is this your first time?
#261
Yeah, Tommy, it is.
#262
God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life.
#263
I can't believe you've never been cow-tipping before. Get ready to live.
#264
(WHISPERING) She's sleeping.
#265
What you do is you put your shoulder into her and you push.
#266
- And? - They fall over.
#267
This doesn't strike you as kind of dumb?
#268
We're family.
#269
We're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together.
#270
Wait till Christmas.
#271
You keep your feet shoulder-width apart.
#272
Stay between the udder and the hock.
#273
It's a 32 belly option. On two, on two. Ready. Hut!
#274
Son of a...
#275
(COW MOOING)
#276
Holy schnikes!
#277
Hey, get off my property!
#278
Run for it!
#279
- I'll save you, brother! - I'm okay.
#280
- Get away from me! - Get up!
#281
- I can walk. - I love you.
#282
TOMMY: Hey, get me. My turn. Over here.
#283
These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life.
#284
Man, did I get douched with mud!
#285
Chucko, that doesn't smell like mud.
#286
Oh, man, that's cold.
#287
(SINGING) I'm a maniac
#288
Maniac on the floor
#289
And I'm dancing like I've never danced before
#290
Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
#291
Why?
#292
- Good morning, Richard. - Hi.
#293
(TOMMY SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
#294
(MIMICKING DARTH VADER) Luke, I am your father.
#295
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
#296
Aw, I've interrupted Happy Time.
#297
Look, your father wants you to check out the delay problems
#298
we're having at the loading dock.
#299
I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being not slim.
#300
But we gotta work a little today, okay?
#301
- That was from Star Wars. - I know.
#302
R.T., I think I figured out the problem.
#303
This order's going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery
#304
but you've got it marked down for two.
#305
That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio.
#306
You see these letters by the city? That's called a state.
#307
What else you got, Wonder Boy?
#308
That's pretty much it for now.
#309
Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years
#310
and study a globe.
#311
Tommy Callahan?
#312
Michelle Brock. Chaparrall High. Remember?
#313
Yeah, I remember. I sat next to you in History.
#314
You work here? It's so bizarre that you work here.
#315
Come on in. And forget about R.T.
#316
He's just pissed off 'cause he recently found out what a loser he is.
#317
What a loser he is.
#318
Hey, nice.
#319
How come you don't put the files in the file cabinets?
#320
- I don't like file cabinets. - Why not?
#321
You have to open them. I've got my own system.
#322
Hasn't failed me yet. All the shipping orders go through me.
#323
Which means I spend about half of my pathetically anal life in here.
#324
If I couldn't do things my own way
#325
I'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town.
#326
Cool.
#327
Remember your brother Duane?
#328
What ever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time
#329
and get caught trying to steal donuts.
#330
He's a cop.
#331
He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
#332
Wow.
#333
- Want one? - I'd better not.
#334
I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.
#335
I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time.
#336
And I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
#337
- How about some coffee? - I'd love some.
#338
TOMMY: Man, I bet half the town's here.
#339
You look great, Dad.
#340
You look good, too, Tommy Boy.
#341
Listen, Tommy, this marriage thing, I know it's a big step.
#342
But, you know, ever since your mom died...
#343
(BIG TOM SIGHS)
#344
Look, Tommy, something about getting old and being alone...
#345
You know, something...
#346
Dad, it's cool, you know? I just want you to be happy.
#347
Yeah, I know you do. And I am, kid. I am happy, Tommy Boy.
#348
- They're ready for you, sir. - BIG TOM: Good! Well, we're ready, too.
#349
- So, how do we look? - Chubby?
#350
I think that's the champagne talking.
#351
MINISTER: And so these vows are held sacred from now until eternity.
#352
If there's any person who finds a reason these two should not be wed
#353
speak now or forever hold your peace.
#354
- You kidding? Go get them, Tom! - ALL: Yeah.
#355
Now, by the power vested in me by the State of Ohio
#356
I now pronounce you man and wife.
#357
You may kiss the bride.
#358
(AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG PLAYING)
#359
(SINGING) I know you want to leave me
#360
But I refuse to let you go
#361
If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy
#362
I don't mind 'cause you mean that much to me
#363
- RICHARD: Guys. - Now look.
#364
Say something to the bride and groom.
#365
TOMMY: Hey, Dad and Beverly.
#366
This is Michelle Brock, the prettiest gal in Sandusky.
#367
Michelle, say a little something into the camera.
#368
A little something into the camera.
#369
It sounds good, Tom,
#370
but I'd like to take a look at your operation before I commit.
#371
Fair enough, Doug.
#372
'Course I could get a good look at a T-bone steak
#373
by sticking my head up a bull's ass
#374
but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.
#375
(LAUGHING) Bull's ass, that's great.
#376
And you guarantee everything you sell?
#377
BIG TOM: You know, I could guarantee you all day long.
#378
But we both know a guarantee is only as good as the man who writes it.
#379
It sounds good, Tom.
#380
- I'll send the contract next week. - All right, good man.
#381
RITTENHAUER: You're still the best, Tom.
#382
Eight whiskey sours,
#383
I still sell the son of a bitch. Damn! I'm good.
#384
I just want to tell you, you really look dynamite today, Beverly.
#385
Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some of that!
#386
- RICHARD: Good Lord. - Oh, God, no.
#387
Listen, Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?
#388
- It'll cost you. - Come here, you little prick.
#389
All right. Hold it a second, folks. Wait a minute.
#390
Yeah, it's working now.
#391
Listen, I want to thank you all for coming today
#392
to welcome two new Callahans to the family
#393
my beautiful wife, Beverly, and my new son, Paul.
#394
I feel like the luckiest man in the world today.
#395
- Hit it! - MAN: Three, four.
#396
But right now I'm gonna need you, Tommy Boy
#397
to get this place going.
#398
- But me, Dad? - Yeah, you, Tommy Boy.
#399
- Get up. - Dad, I really don't think... Okay.
#400
First rocker, take it, Tommy Boy!
#401
(BABY WHAT'D I SAY PLAYING)
#402
(SINGING) Hey, mama, don't you treat me wrong
#403
Come and love me, baby, all night long
#404
Testify, Tommy boy. Testify.
#405
(SINGING) Whoa, all right, now
#406
Tell me what I say
#407
- Second rocker, me! - Hit it.
#408
(SINGING) See the girl with the diamond ring
#409
She knows how to twist that thing, oh, oh
#410
That's right, Dad.
#411
BIG TOM: (SINGING) Hey, hey
#412
TOMMY: Come on now, Dad.
#413
BIG TOM: (SINGING) All right, now
#414
(SINGING) Tell me what I say
#415
What did I say
#416
Hit the "heys" and the "hos."
#417
(SINGING) Hey
#418
ALL: (SINGING) Hey
#419
Ho
#420
ALL: Ho
#421
- Hey - Hey
#422
- Ho - Ho
#423
- Hey, Ho - ALL: Hey, Ho
#424
Hey, hey, hey, hey
#425
TOMMY: Yeah, Dad, come on now!
#426
Hear what I say
#427
(SINGING) Yeah, what I say
#428
Come on now!
#429
(MUSIC STOPS)
#430
- Dad? - Somebody call 911.
#431
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
#432
(BAGPIPE PLAYING AMAZING GRACE)
#433
PRIEST: There's not much more we can say, really.
#434
We've lost someone we love and it hurts.
#435
Even though Tom is gone, he'll remain in our lives forever
#436
comforting us, making us laugh
#437
and watching over us.
#438
TOMMY: My dad gave me this boat.
#439
We'd come out here late at night when there was no one else on the lake
#440
and then he'd be over there on the shore
#441
and he'd yell, "Quit playing with your dinghy!"
#442
I'm gonna really miss him.
#443
- Your father was a great guy. - Yeah.
#444
I'm really glad you brought me out here.
#445
I can't believe you wanted to.
#446
Although it's pretty fun, if we had some wind.
#447
I can't believe there's no wind. You need wind 'cause it...
#448
- Helps push the sail. - Yeah.
#449
So what are you gonna go do now?
#450
I don't know. But I gotta do something.
#451
And I don't know what.
#452
(CHUCKLES) Man, do I sound like an idiot.
#453
No.
#454
Sorry about this wind.
#455
I can't believe there isn't any wind out here.
#456
This is ridiculous.
#457
No, it's great.
#458
It's very peaceful.
#459
BOY 1: Hey, Tubbo, you ain't moving!
#460
(BOYS LAUGHING)
#461
Yeah. Need a little wind here.
#462
No, you need to drop a couple hundred pounds, blimp!
#463
(BOYS LAUGHING)
#464
Rascals.
#465
I guess that's your theory.
#466
So we'll see what happens tomorrow.
#467
Your sail is limp, like your dick!
#468
Watch your language in front of the lady, punk!
#469
Jeez.
#470
You were saying?
#471
BOY 2: Hey, Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?
#472
You better pray to the god of skinny punks
#473
that this wind doesn't pick up
#474
because I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!
#475
(BOYS EXCLAIMING)
#476
Jeepers creepers.
#477
Those guys keep interrupting us. I'm sorry about that.
#478
- You were saying about the... - BOY 3: Hey, lady, look out!
#479
- There's a fat whale on your boat! - BOY 2: Yeah. Free Willy!
#480
Listen up, you little spazoids.
#481
I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep.
#482
I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry
#483
when they see what I've done to you!
#484
I was just kidding. I have no idea where they live.
#485
That was awesome.
#486
Ladies and gentlemen, we're in real trouble.
#487
Zalinsky Industries has an offer on the table to buy us out.
#488
But as you realize, Callahan has been family-owned
#489
since Tommy's great-grandfather laid the first brick.
#490
And I'll be damned if that's gonna change on my watch.
#491
If we sell while our value's still high
#492
everyone who owns stock in this company
#493
stands to make a lot of money.
#494
That, of course, includes you, Mrs. Callahan
#495
now that you and Tommy are the primary shareholders.
#496
It seems vulgar to think about money at a time like this.
#497
I don't want to hear the word "sell" again.
#498
But, Ron, we do need that loan to keep us afloat until we figure things out.
#499
I'm sorry, Frank. We can't do it.
#500
Tom got in way over his head when he built the brake-pad division.
#501
The bank just can't take a chance on putting up any more money.
#502
Now, let's face it. When Big Tom died, Callahan Auto may have died with him.
#503
If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under.
#504
And that's when the whores come in.
#505
- Here we go. - Excuse me. What was that?
#506
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
#507
Men laying their trick money down, $20 to pay the rent.
#508
Maybe, instead, I'll spend it on the whore.
#509
REILLY: Frank, I really don't think we have any choice.
#510
Maybe I can help.
#511
I'll give you everything I've got. My house, the stock.
#512
If I give you that stuff as collateral, then will you give us that loan?
#513
Well, yes, I suppose so.
#514
RITTENHAUER: Wait a second. What are you saying, Tommy?
#515
You just wanna hand over your inheritance?
#516
TOMMY: Right. If it'll help get the brake pads going.
#517
My dad said the new pads were the future of Callahan.
#518
But who's going to sell them?
#519
- I will. I'll go on my dad's sales trip. - I'll be damned.
#520
Whores running around doing their little behind-shake for the menfolk.
#521
- I kind of like her idea. - For Christ's sake!
#522
Once during the war, I visited a prostitute.
#523
And my life has been a living hell ever since.
#524
Now, hold on a minute.
#525
Do we really want to put the future of the company in Tommy's hands?
#526
RITTENHAUER: We're running low on options here, Ted.
#527
I can hold off Zalinsky for a couple of weeks.
#528
- What have we got to lose? - How about the jobs of 300 people?
#529
No offense, Tommy, but you don't know the first thing about brake pads.
#530
I know I'm probably not the answer you guys are looking for.
#531
But I feel like I gotta do something.
#532
You're right. I don't know much about this stuff.
#533
- But he does. - Oh, no.
#534
That's right. Richard knows more about brake pads than anyone in here.
#535
And since you were my dad's right-hand man
#536
I'd say you have the rest of the year pretty much wide-open.
#537
Time out. Bad idea.
#538
I don't think anyone could help Baby Huey out there on the road.
#539
Do you have a better suggestion?
#540
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
#541
(SQUIRTING)
#542
I can actually hear you getting fatter.
#543
(INCREASES MUSIC VOLUME)
#544
What did I say about eating in the car, anyway?
#545
(MUSIC STOPS)
#546
That it's not good, 'cause it spoils your dinner?
#547
Tommy, this is not a vacation for me. I'm out here against my will.
#548
So the least you can do is pretend to work. Okay? Now, let's review.
#549
Okay, you're right. Review time. Let's do it up. Feed me.
#550
First, what are the three grades of Callahan brake pads?
#551
Personal, commercial, and agricultural.
#552
And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
#553
Oh, man!
#554
- One and a half... - Half percent.
#555
- I knew that. Why can't I remember it? - Try an association like...
#556
Let's say, the average person uses 10 percent of their brain.
#557
How much do you use? One-and-a-half percent.
#558
The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
#559
(WHINING) I gotta do this.
#560
This has gotta be the one. I've gotta do this.
#561
It's gotta be me. It's gotta...
#562
- Are you ready? - Yeah. Sorry. I'm ready.
#563
- Hey, does this suit make me look fat? - No, your face does.
#564
Okay, let's check you out. All right.
#565
- It's a clip-on. - Are you sure?
#566
All right. Now, it's sale time.
#567
- So remember, we don't take no... - No shit from anyone!
#568
- No. - We don't take no prisoners.
#569
We don't take no for an answer.
#570
Oh, yeah. We don't take no for an answer.
#571
We don't take no for an answer. We don't take no for an answer.
#572
- No. - Okey-dokey.
#573
- No. - Gotcha! Thanks.
#574
Mmm-mmm.
#575
Terrific. Thanks for your time.
#576
Let me say
#577
maybe.
#578
Well, then, I'd just like to add
#579
that the spectrometer readout on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix
#580
indicates a good rich strobe and fade.
#581
Decreasing incidence of wear to the pressure plate.
#582
Whoa, little fella, you're not speaking my language.
#583
What my associate is trying to say is that
#584
our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it.
#585
Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family
#586
and you're driving along.
#587
Then, all of a sudden, there's a truck tire in the middle of the road
#588
and you hit the brakes.
#589
Whoa. That was close.
#590
Now, let's see what happens when you're driving
#591
with the "other guy's" brake pads.
#592
You're driving along, all of a sudden the kids are yelling from the back seat.
#593
"I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy." "Not now, damn it!"
#594
Truck tire.
#595
(TOMMY MIMICKS TIRES SCREECHING)
#596
"I can't stop!"
#597
Help!
#598
There's a cliff.
#599
And your family's screaming:
#600
"Oh, my God! We're burning alive!
#601
"No, I can't feel my legs!" In comes the meat wagon.
#602
(TOMMY MIMICKING A SIREN)
#603
And the medic gets out and says, "Oh, my God."
#604
New guy's in the corner puking his guts out.
#605
(TOMMY RETCHING)
#606
All because you want to save a couple extra pennies.
#607
- To me, it doesn't... - Get out.
#608
- Now. - Yes, sir.
#609
- Do you validate? - Now!
#610
Okay. Thank you.
#611
- She's a quart low. - RICHARD: Oh, yeah?
#612
Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in.
#613
That's your penance for the puppet show back there.
#614
And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay?
#615
I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge, embarrassing failure.
#616
You're a huge, embarrassing failure.
#617
- RICHARD: What? - Nothing.
#618
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
#619
Chief, could you tell me how far it is to Davenport?
#620
22 miles.
#621
- Okay. I can't find it on this map. - Well, get yourself a new map.
#622
Son of a...
#623
For Pete...
#624
(SNIFFING)
#625
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
#626
Well, it's gotta be on the map.
#627
Davenport, I mean, because you say it's 22 miles away.
#628
And you're really smart. Yet it's not on the map.
#629
I'm picking up your sarcasm.
#630
I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
#631
That's a map of Illinois, which we're in
#632
on the border of Iowa, which is where Davenport is
#633
22 miles away.
#634
You're in the wrong state. Get yourself a new map.
#635
Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?
#636
Okay. How much do I owe you for gas?
#637
- He didn't pump any. - What?
#638
Why didn't you pump any gas?
#639
They're all out. They only got diesel. Better go to the next station.
#640
What'd you do?
#641
RITTENHAUER: I’d just like to welcome you all
#642
to our annual Callahan Employee Night.
#643
I know it doesn't quite feel the same without Big Tom here.
#644
But we're still a family.
#645
So let's try and have some fun.
#646
LOUIS: Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer,
#647
is it true Tommy's on the road trying to save this place?
#648
Tom's out there filling in for his dad until we get things settled here.
#649
Are you kidding? We're all screwed.
#650
That kid's one apple that fell way off the tree.
#651
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
#652
Mommy, I want a Popsicle.
#653
"Mommy, I want a Popsicle."
#654
That hurt.
#655
You want to act like a baby, I'll treat you like one.
#656
Now, if you want to act like a big boy...
#657
- Bad Mommy. - Don't call me that. It's creepy.
#658
Come on, this is working out better than we planned.
#659
I thought it'd take a year to bleed him dry in a divorce settlement.
#660
Instead, the guy croaks and you own half the company.
#661
But it's too bad he didn't leave me any cash.
#662
You talk to the banker?
#663
Yeah. Unfortunately your stock isn't worth dick
#664
until they sell the place.
#665
That moment is rapidly approaching.
#666
- GIRL: Hi, Grandpa. - Hi.
#667
Mr. Rittenhauer, is Tommy, you know, doing okay?
#668
Well, sometimes it takes a little time for a salesman to find his style.
#669
- You think he's finding one? - I hope so.
#670
(MERRY-GO-ROUND BELL RINGING)
#671
Hold on right there, honey.
#672
- I'll see you, Michelle. - Okay. See you.
#673
I'm telling you, Paul, the only thing keeping us poor is Tommy.
#674
PAUL: The guy's an idiot.
#675
He won't sell squat.
#676
(ZIPPER OPENING)
#677
This is what I think of Callahan.
#678
Tommy save the factory. That's a laugh.
#679
(PAUL GROANING)
#680
I don't see any McKeesport.
#681
It's the next town, Tons of Fun. It's gotta be there.
#682
Okay, where's Moron?
#683
Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...
#684
Yeah, look, Magellan, we're at this wrinkle here.
#685
Deer!
#686
You saw what happened. There was nothing I could do, right?
#687
Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me, you would've seen it coming.
#688
Shut up, Tommy. It's not my fault.
#689
-(SNIFFLING) Poor little furry thing. - I've never seen one close up before.
#690
What are we gonna do? We can't just leave it here.
#691
(BOTH CRYING)
#692
Oh, no, loading it up took us over an hour.
#693
Now we only got 20 minutes before Brady Automotive closes.
#694
- Where are we gonna take the deer? - I don't know, the vet?
#695
- You take dead animals to the vet? - Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
#696
Yeah, I'll take you to the...
#697
- Got that? - Shut up.
#698
He's just down the hall, sir, last door on the left.
#699
RICHARD: Thank you.
#700
What's your hurry?
#701
You know that thing in the back seat? It's not an air freshener.
#702
It's a dead, rotting deer carcass. We gotta take care of it quick.
#703
This is one of our oldest customers, so we should be in and out.
#704
This sales thing isn't so easy. You can't just go in and out.
#705
You gotta finesse them a little bit.
#706
By finesse do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments
#707
and lighting things on fire?
#708
No. But it's nice to see you again, Mr. Insult.
#709
Say, have you seen Richard anywhere? Because if you do, could you ask him
#710
I mean since he's so good, if he might want to try selling?
#711
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
#712
Watch and learn.
#713
Of course I understand what no means.
#714
But if I took no for an answer
#715
I'd wind up on a street corner selling spicy hot dogs
#716
and wearing a funny hat, right? It makes sense, doesn't it?
#717
Look, I've been doing business with Callahan since I hung out my shingle.
#718
But I don't like you.
#719
Probably never will. You're a smug, unhappy little man.
#720
And you treat people like they were idiots.
#721
(TOMMY SNICKERING)
#722
Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back.
#723
Son, I was sorry to hear about your dad. I was.
#724
But before I decide to keep my business
#725
with your place, I'd have to come by and have a look at your new operation.
#726
I'll tell you what, you can take a good look at a butcher's ass
#727
by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?
#728
What?
#729
I'm failing to make the connection here, son.
#730
No. I mean
#731
you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass.
#732
- But then... No. It's gotta be your bull. - Wow.
#733
Here's the deal. If I want you...
#734
- You have derailed. -(WHISPERS) Shut up, Richard.
#735
Boy, I'm really at a loss for words here.
#736
Forget it, I quit. I can't do this anymore, man.
#737
My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks.
#738
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going.
#739
My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked
#740
and every time I drive down the road I want to jerk the wheel
#741
into a goddamn bridge abutment!
#742
I can't...
#743
We'll be in touch.
#744
- That guy might not call us. - I can't believe he called me a psycho.
#745
Were you in there just now? You are a psycho. Good God.
#746
And comb your hair.
#747
TOMMY: Well, I wouldn't say you did much better.
#748
Thought you were so cool. "Watch and learn," he says.
#749
Well, I was watching. Know what I saw?
#750
(DEER SNORTING)
#751
(BOTH SCREAMING)
#752
It's alive!
#753
I think it tried to bite me!
#754
Oh, man!
#755
(ROARING)
#756
(CAR HORN HONKING)
#757
No way that just happened.
#758
My car is completely destroyed.
#759
TOMMY: I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life.
#760
But that was
#761
awesome!
#762
But sorry about your car, man. That sucks.
#763
ANNOUNCER ON TV: We'll return to the Zalinsky Family
#764
Theater after these messages.
#765
RICHARD: Will you shut the window, Tom? You're letting moths in.
#766
No, it's hot in here.
#767
RICHARD: Would you please just... TOMMY: Look, it's him.
#768
America, if you need starters, spark plugs,
#769
balljoints, gaskets, cam shafts,
#770
U-joints or rocker arms, anything that can be screwed or glued
#771
to that car or truck of yours, come see old Ray.
#772
You want a guarantee? I got a guarantee stamped on every box.
#773
He's got really weird hair.
#774
But more important is the guarantee that I make to the American worker.
#775
I want your truck to help you get the job done.
#776
I want your cruiser to get out there safely, so you can clean up the streets.
#777
And I want your kids to be safe when you take them for a ride.
#778
Thanks, Ray.
#779
ZALINSKY: Thank you, son.
#780
The name's Zalinsky. I make carports for the American working man
#781
because that's what I am. And that's who I care about.
#782
(SINGING) Drive on down to Zalinsky's The auto parts king!
#783
He seems like a nice guy.
#784
This is the guy trying to buy the company
#785
not to mention put you out in the street
#786
and all you can say is, "He seems like a nice guy."
#787
He does.
#788
(PHONE RINGING)
#789
Hello.
#790
Michelle! Wow! I'm glad you called me back.
#791
Yeah, things are going great. I feel my first sale coming on real soon.
#792
Yeah, he's here.
#793
He's just going over his car insurance forms.
#794
RICHARD: Could we get any more moths in here?
#795
(VACUUM CLEANER WHOOSHING)
#796
What? Richard's vacuuming.
#797
He's vacuuming. I don't know, I guess he's clean.
#798
Michelle, can I call you back in a few minutes?
#799
Thanks. I miss you. Bye.
#800
You can't sleep with the window open.
#801
And I'm gonna lay down some other rules, too.
#802
What are you so mad about?
#803
Are you nuts? Do you even have to ask? My car is destroyed.
#804
We haven't made one sale.
#805
Which means we only have to sell about
#806
a half a million brake pads in the next 10 days.
#807
Or else the factory's going under. And the one guy that should care
#808
about all this, you, doesn't.
#809
You know what, Richard?
#810
You don't know me as good as you think you do.
#811
I care about stuff. I'm getting better at this sales thing.
#812
I'm not, but I could if you help me.
#813
Forget it. I got enough to do without having to change your diapers.
#814
Richard, is this your coat?
#815
- Don't do it. - Fat guy in a little coat.
#816
Fat guy in a little coat.
#817
Don't.
#818
(SINGING) Fat guy in a little coat
#819
Fat guy in a little coat
#820
- Take it off, dickhead. I'm serious. - Richard, what's happening...
#821
Uh-oh.
#822
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
#823
- Good tune, man. - I don't think so.
#824
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
#825
Yeah. Here we go.
#826
This song sucks.
#827
(SUPERSTAR PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
#828
- Talk about lame. - Totally.
#829
- You can change it if you want. - I don't care. It's up to you.
#830
- I can live with it if you can. - Suit yourself.
#831
(SINGING) Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby
#832
You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby
#833
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby
#834
I love you
#835
(BOTH SCREAMING)
#836
Oh, God.
#837
(TRUCK HONKING)
#838
I was just thinking.
#839
When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was you who put the oil in.
#840
If you're saying I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong.
#841
I used 10W-30.
#842
Besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
#843
True. But you can't latch the hood too well if you don't take the can out
#844
you no-selling waste of space.
#845
I swear to God you're worthless.
#846
I'm sorry about your car.
#847
But don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best.
#848
- I'm not my dad. - That's right. You're not your dad.
#849
He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.
#850
- Ketchup Popsicle? - Yeah!
#851
I learned everything I know from him.
#852
I didn't have a father. He looked out for me.
#853
But you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted.
#854
"I'm Big Tom's son. He'll fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a moron."
#855
That's it!
#856
Get out! Get out of the car!
#857
It's go time. You and me!
#858
"Look, Mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car."
#859
"Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy."
#860
That's it, big boy. I'm gonna wail on you.
#861
You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, porky.
#862
Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!
#863
You don't want none of me, think it through.
#864
Come on, give me your best shot. I'll give you a free one. Let me have it.
#865
That was it?
#866
Come on, you can do better than that.
#867
Can't you, Captain Limp Wrist? Try again.
#868
Everybody, is there a window open? I feel a draft.
#869
If I wanted a kiss, I would have called your mother.
#870
That was a good one.
#871
Hey, Prehistoric Forest.
#872
(I'M SORRY PLAYING)
#873
(SINGING) I'm sorry
#874
So sorry
#875
Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.
#876
Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you in the shoulder.
#877
My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.
#878
Right here.
#879
Not here or here so much, but right here.
#880
Nope. Shipshape.
#881
Waitress, could I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
#882
Yep.
#883
And, you, what can I get...
#884
- Jesus, what happened to your face? - I knew it. See, Richard?
#885
I'll have chicken wings.
#886
Kitchen's closed until dinner. We just got cold stuff and desserts.
#887
Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot.
#888
You sure it's closed?
#889
Let me check. Yep, it's closed.
#890
Okay. I'll just have a sugar packet or two.
#891
- Hey, what's your name? - Helen.
#892
That's nice. You look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales.
#893
Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.
#894
Let's say I go into some guy's office.
#895
Let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something.
#896
Then I get all excited.
#897
I'm like Jo Jo the Idiot Circus Boy with a pretty new pet.
#898
The pet is my possible sale.
#899
My pretty little pet, I love you.
#900
So I stroke it and I pet it and I massage it.
#901
I love it.
#902
I love my little naughty pet. You're naughty.
#903
Then I take my naughty pet and I go...
#904
(SQUAWKING)
#905
(EXCLAIMING)
#906
I killed it!
#907
I killed my sale!
#908
That's when I blow it.
#909
That's when people like us have got to forge ahead, Helen.
#910
Am I right?
#911
God, you're sick.
#912
Tell you what.
#913
I'll go turn the fryers back on and throw some wings in for you.
#914
TOMMY: Thanks, Helen.
#915
Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy.
#916
Did that board to the head knock something loose?
#917
What are you talking about?
#918
That 180 you just pulled with the waitress.
#919
- Why can't you sell like that? - I was just having fun.
#920
If we didn't get the wings, so what?
#921
We still got that Meat Lover's pizza in the trunk.
#922
You got the wings 'cause you were relaxed, so you had confidence.
#923
And that's what it takes to sell, confidence. Your dad had that.
#924
Why do you always have to de-turd these things?
#925
- My dad was smart, I'm not. - Very true.
#926
But there's two types of smarts,
#927
book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago
#928
and there's street smart, the ability to read people.
#929
And you know how to do that just like your dad.
#930
He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear
#931
and what people needed to hear. That's what selling is all about.
#932
In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads.
#933
Hey, everybody. It's Tony Robbins.
#934
- Maybe you're right, Richard. - I think I am.
#935
Holy Lord, look at this guy. Caught him right after Thanksgiving feast.
#936
- Nice, Richard. - God, I need a pooper-scooper.
#937
I like your line. And I like your prices. But there's a problem.
#938
There's no guarantee on the box.
#939
Heck, if something breaks down you can call me, even if I'm home watching TV.
#940
Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925.
#941
Maybe so, but it's not on the box.
#942
It should always be on the box, comforting you, calling out:
#943
"I'm good. I'll never let you down.
#944
"But if I do, I'm gonna make things all better."
#945
Our brake pads are made with a non-corrosive polyplated...
#946
If you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it.
#947
My customers need to see that little label looking them right in the eye.
#948
You can get a good look at your butcher...
#949
- No. - What?
#950
- Remember, chicken wings. - Chicken wings?
#951
All right, you want to talk about guarantees, then...
#952
Fellows, you just ran out of time.
#953
Chicken wings.
#954
Let's think about this for a sec, Ted.
#955
Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box?
#956
- Very interesting. - Go on, I'm listening.
#957
Here's the way I see it.
#958
A guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box
#959
because he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
#960
- Yeah. Makes a man feel good. - Of course it does. Why shouldn't it?
#961
You figure you put that box under your pillow at night
#962
the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
#963
What's your point?
#964
The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a Krazy Glue sniffer?
#965
"Build a model airplane," says the little fairy. Well, we're not buying it.
#966
He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes.
#967
Next thing there's money missing off the dresser, your daughter's knocked up.
#968
I've seen it 100 times...
#969
But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?
#970
Because they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit.
#971
That's all it is, isn't it?
#972
If you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will.
#973
I got spare time.
#974
But for now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake
#975
you might want to think about buying a quality product from me.
#976
- Okay, I'll buy from you. - Well, that's...
#977
- What? - What?
#978
He's made one deal, Paul, it's not the end of the world.
#979
What would be good for us? We want to sell the factory.
#980
They're not gonna sell the factory as long as Tommy keeps making sales.
#981
Why don't you come to bed?
#982
I got it! What does every factory need?
#983
Trucks. They make stuff. They've got to ship it, it's a must.
#984
You see, it's all very simple really.
#985
Stop the trucks, stop Tommy Boy.
#986
(DOG GROWLING)
#987
(WHINING)
#988
God!
#989
Not good.
#990
(SCREAMING)
#991
Come on, man. Let's at least take five minutes to celebrate our first victory.
#992
Look, we got lucky, don't jinx it.
#993
We only have a week left before the loan's due.
#994
I've gotta finish figuring out our trip tonight so we can jam out early.
#995
I'll tell you what. You work out all the scientific stuff,
#996
I'll go out and get a pizza.
#997
The only thing I need to figure out
#998
is whether to get Chicago style or the thin crust.
#999
The salesman has left the building.
#1000
See you in a little bit.
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