Home » Ace Ventura Pet Detective (1994) » S01E01 — Ace Ventura Pet Detective

Ace Ventura Pet Detective (1994)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Ace Ventura Pet Detective

#1
[WHISTLING]

#2
Heads up! Good defense!

#3
Good defense!

#4
Hmm!

#5
[CLANGING]

#6
Oh.

#7
[CHUCKLES]

#8
We're going downtown.

#9
[DOG BARKING]

#10
MAN: Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt.

#11
What do you want?

#12
HDS, sir. How are you this afternoon? Alrighty, then. I have a package for you.

#13
[BROKEN GLASS]

#14
It sounds broken.

#15
Most likely. I'll bet it was something nice. This is an insurance form.

#16
If you'll just sign here, here, and here...

#17
...initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms to you as soon as we can.

#18
That's a lovely dog you have there, sir.

#19
- Do you mind if I pet him? - I don't give a rat's ass.

#20
Alrighty, then.

#21
[BABBLING]

#22
Oh, brother.

#23
That's fine. I can finish the rest.

#24
You just have yourself a good day. Take care now. Bye-bye, then.

#25
Excuse me! HDS!

#26
HDS! Coming through!

#27
Got a package, people!

#28
[HUMMING]

#29
Get away from the door.

#30
What's the matter with you? I said, get!

#31
[SQUEAKS]

#32
Son of a bitch!

#33
ACE: That was a close one!

#34
Unfortunately...

#35
...in every contest, there must be a loser.

#36
Loser.

#37
Hungry, fella?

#38
There you go.

#39
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

#40
No problem. It gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.

#41
[MAN SHOUTING AND DOG BARKING]

#42
Or we can try it now.

#43
Putz!

#44
Come on!

#45
Get out! Get out!

#46
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

#47
Warning: Assholes are closer than they appear!

#48
[GROANS]

#49
Uh, you wanna give me a push while you're back there?

#50
Alrighty, then!

#51
Ha, ha! It's alive!

#52
It's alive!

#53
[SHOUTING]

#54
[ACE BARKING THEN MAN SHOUTING]

#55
[BARKING]

#56
[BARKING]

#57
WOMAN: My little baby, come here. You missed Mommy, didn't you?

#58
Yes, you did. Did Daddy hurt you? I won't let him. No, I won't.

#59
He can keep the big TV, but he's not gonna hurt my baby, no he's not.

#60
Thank you, Mr. Ventura.

#61
How can I ever repay you?

#62
A reward would be good.

#63
There is some damage to my car, and I had to fill it with premium.

#64
Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?

#65
Gee, let me think.

#66
Sure.

#67
[PANTS UNZIPPING]

#68
Whoa, jeez.

#69
Oh. For the love of Pete!

#70
People are real friendly around here. Whoa!

#71
[DOLPHIN CLICKING]

#72
HOST [ON TV]: And now, let's meet our contestants.

#73
First...

#74
SHICKADANCE: Ventura!

#75
Yes, Satan?

#76
I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

#77
Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura.

#78
[COUGHS]

#79
You owe me rent.

#80
Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority.

#81
I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out.

#82
Look at that. That's a true albino pigeon.

#83
Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward.

#84
As soon as I find this bird...

#85
...you're paid.

#86
I heard animals in there.

#87
I heard them again this morning, scratching around.

#88
I never bring my work home with me.

#89
Oh, yeah?

#90
What's all this pet food for?

#91
Fiber.

#92
Wanna take a look inside? Come on!

#93
Come on!

#94
Go ahead. Snoop around!

#95
[SNIFFING]

#96
Well?

#97
Are you satisfied?

#98
Just don't let me catch you with an animal in here. That's all.

#99
All right.

#100
Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.

#101
Loser!

#102
[WHISTLES]

#103
Come to me, jungle friends.

#104
[SINGING]

#105
RIDDLE: Roger, let me ask you one question.

#106
How in hell do you lose a 500-pound fish?

#107
What?

#108
I'm sorry, I was just going to say...

#109
...that it's not a fish. It's a mammal.

#110
Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

#111
Don, she didn't mean anything by that.

#112
RIDDLE: I don't give a good goddamn about that fish!

#113
Fillet it and fast-food it if you want to!

#114
All I give a damn about is winning the Super Bowl!

#115
My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place.

#116
Shit, Roger. You've been in this business a long time.

#117
You know how superstitious these players are.

#118
I have a quarterback that's put his socks on backwards since high school.

#119
I've got a linebacker that hasn't washed his jockey strap in two years...

#120
...because he thinks flies are lucky.

#121
I want that fish on that field Super Bowl Sunday.

#122
Find the fish...

#123
...or find new jobs!

#124
Why did it happen now, two weeks before the Super Bowl?

#125
I'll tell you, it's those animal-rights activists!

#126
Always out with their signs:

#127
"Animals were born free. Stop torturing Snowflake."

#128
That fish lives better than they do.

#129
The police are checking into the animal- rights groups. Have they called back?

#130
No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles...

#131
...I hired a pet detective.

#132
A what?

#133
A pet detective.

#134
Thanks, Martha, but we better leave this to professionals.

#135
Well, actually, he was quite good.

#136
Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.

#137
[MIMICKING PIGEON]

#138
[ACE YELLS]

#139
[PAGER BEEPING]

#140
Like a glove.

#141
Uh, Mr. Ventura here to see you.

#142
Thanks, Martha.

#143
Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.

#144
Pleasure to meet you.

#145
Any trouble getting in?

#146
No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

#147
- Uh, security's tight Super Bowl! week. - Ah.

#148
Why don't you have a seat? I'll get right to the point.

#149
Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake?

#150
Negative.

#151
We got him from Miami. He's a rare bottle-nosed dolphin.

#152
This is a new trick he was going to do for the halftime show.

#153
TRAINER [ON TV]: Let's go. Blue 42, blue 42.

#154
Hut, hut.

#155
All right.

#156
Come on, let's go.

#157
Good boy.

#158
Would you like an ashtray?

#159
I don't smoke.

#160
It's a disgusting habit.

#161
MELISSA: The police came today.

#162
Apparently, the kidnappers came in through the back with a--

#163
Four-wheel-drive van, loaded from the rear.

#164
- Ugh. - Roger, how you holding up?

#165
ROGER: If I'm walking funny it's because I got two dozen reporters up my ass.

#166
They've been asking me about Snowflake all morning.

#167
Who's he?

#168
Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura.

#169
He's our pet detective.

#170
Nice to meet you. You came very highly recommended by Martha Mertz.

#171
Martha Mertz?

#172
Oh, yeah, the bitch.

#173
What?

#174
Pekingese, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her.

#175
Is that the tank?

#176
Excuse me.

#177
- Cops drain it? - Yes, this morning.

#178
If I'm not back in five minutes...

#179
...just wait longer.

#180
[MIMICS BEEPING SOUND]

#181
[AS CAPTAIN KIRK] Captain's log, stardate 23.9...

#182
...rounded off to the nearest decimal point.

#183
We've traveled back in time to save an ancient species from annihilation.

#184
So far...

#185
...no signs of aquatic life, but I am going to find it.

#186
If I have to tear another black hole, I'm going to find it.

#187
I've got to, mister.

#188
[MIMICS BEEPING SOUND]

#189
[REPORTERS CHATTER]

#190
Oh, great.

#191
I'll try to head them off.

#192
Ace, get out of the tank.

#193
[AS SCOTTY] I just can't do it, captain.

#194
I don't have the power.

#195
ROGER: People.

#196
I said, get out of the tank now.

#197
[AS BONES] For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man.

#198
WOMAN: Where's Snowflake?

#199
Snowflake is not available right now.

#200
Roger, I've been waiting all day. I got to get a shot of his new trick.

#201
What, is he sick?

#202
[CHATTERING]

#203
ROGER: People, people.

#204
Hmm.

#205
[TIRES SQUEALING]

#206
MAN: Lassie must be missing.

#207
Hey, Ventura. Ventura.

#208
Make any good collars lately?

#209
Or were they leashes?

#210
[ALL LAUGHING]

#211
[MOCK LAUGHING]

#212
Uh-oh.

#213
Homicide, Ventura.

#214
How are you gonna solve that one?

#215
[ALL LAUGHING]

#216
Good question, Aguado.

#217
First, I'd establish a motive.

#218
The killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous.

#219
OFFICERS: Ooh.

#220
Then I'd lose 30 pounds porking his wife.

#221
Come on.

#222
Now, kiss and make up.

#223
Excuse me.

#224
I'd like to ass you a few questions.

#225
This is not the time, Ace.

#226
If Einhorn come down here and see me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

#227
I can keep him under control. You have to tell me who's on the Snowflake case.

#228
I can't do nothing for you on that. My hands are tied.

#229
All right, that's it. Now it's my turn.

#230
Five minutes alone, that's all I need.

#231
Better look alive. Einhorn's on her way down.

#232
- Ooh, bom, ba-bom bom. - Come on, now. Ace, please.

#233
ACE: What's that matter? Afraid I'll make a stink? Huh? Come on.

#234
Aguado's working the case, all right?

#235
- Aguado. - Aguado?

#236
Good call.

#237
We're just a little busy now...

#238
...with murderers and burglaries and drug dealers. Things like that.

#239
A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.

#240
[GRUMBLING]

#241
Now you've pissed him off.

#242
- Would you give me a break? - l can't hold him much longer.

#243
My boss is coming.

#244
Okay, look.

#245
We ran a check with local animal-rights groups.

#246
We checked out the taxidermists and we already checked on van rentals.

#247
So far, nothing, nathin', nada. All right?

#248
Any unusual bets being made?

#249
Of course. This is Super Bowl.

#250
- What'd you find out about the tank? - Nothing.

#251
Tire tracks, an escape route. A guard didn't see anything.

#252
- That's it? - I swear.

#253
Now will you please get out of here before I get in trouble?

#254
ACE: Thank you for your cooperation.

#255
By the way, do you have a mint?

#256
Perhaps some Binaca?

#257
[ACE COUGHS]

#258
[SINGING] Assholomio

#259
Osadomia

#260
Holy testicle Tuesday.

#261
What the hell is he doing here?

#262
ACE: I came to confess.

#263
I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

#264
Spare me the routine. I know you're working the Snowflake case.

#265
May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one?

#266
We'll find the porpoise.

#267
Phew.

#268
Now I feel better.

#269
Of course, that might not do any good.

#270
Nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken.

#271
The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout...

#272
...while the bottle-nosed dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus...

#273
...has an elongated beak, cone-shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage.

#274
But I'm sure you already knew that.

#275
That's what turns me on about you.

#276
Your attention to detail.

#277
Listen, pet dick...

#278
...how would you like me to make your life a living hell?

#279
Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois.

#280
But thank you for asking.

#281
Maybe [I'll give you a call sometime.

#282
Your number still 9117?

#283
Alrighty, then.

#284
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

#285
[BAND PLAYING HEAVY METAL MUSIC]

#286
[GROWLING]

#287
Excuse me. Is Greg here?

#288
Thank you.

#289
WOODSTOCK: What's the password?

#290
New England clam chowder.

#291
WOODSTOCK: Is that the red or the white?

#292
I can never remember that.

#293
White?

#294
Hey, Woodstock.

#295
Hey, Saint Francis, how's it going?

#296
Super, thanks for asking. I hope you're having a lovely day.

#297
Do you?

#298
Don't I?

#299
So what are you up to?

#300
Just watching the fishies.

#301
You see those blips? That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.

#302
I'm sending them new directional coordinates.

#303
They'll find Jimmy Hoffa...

#304
...before they find any whales.

#305
Ha, ha. Gravy. So can you still tap into the aquatic supply stores in the area?

#306
Of course I can. Why?

#307
I wanna trace the sale of equipment...

#308
...for transporting or housing a dolphin recently.

#309
Come on, I thought you had a challenge for me.

#310
All right, we got marine winch, sling, feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank--

#311
Wait a minute. Look here.

#312
That's a lot of equipment for a civilian.

#313
Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

#314
Billionaire and rare-fish collector.

#315
Really?

#316
That is the face of the enemy.

#317
Always trying to get his greedy hands on endangered species.

#318
ACE: Hold on.

#319
Camp is connected with the dolphins?

#320
That subgenius gave them the land the stadium's built on.

#321
And look, he's throwing another "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.

#322
Hmm.

#323
Looks like it's time for me to get myself a date.

#324
[BAND PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

#325
I'm really going out on a limb here. His social events are strictly A list.

#326
The date started good, Chuck, but before we got to the party, she tensed up.

#327
If you do anything to embarrass me....

#328
What? Like this?

#329
[MAKING INDISTINCT SOUNDS]

#330
Ow. Hi, Captain Stubing.

#331
How are Gopher and Doc?

#332
Permission to come aboard, sir.

#333
Woof.

#334
I'm sorry, ladies.

#335
Melissa.

#336
- Hi, Ron. - Glad you could make it.

#337
Thank you.

#338
You look wonderful.

#339
Oh, thanks.

#340
And who is he, a friend?

#341
No, this is-- This is my date.

#342
He's a lawyer.

#343
Does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"?

#344
Ha, ha. Hoo. Ha, ha.

#345
I'm sorry. This is Ace V--

#346
- Um, Tom Ace. - Tom Ace.

#347
Pleasure to meet you.

#348
Congratulations on all your success.

#349
You smell terrific.

#350
One of the first lessons we learned...

#351
...back at...

#352
...Stanford was the growth of food-poisoning claims against wealthy people.

#353
One could make quite a lucrative law practice...

#354
...with little else.

#355
[LAUGHING]

#356
How is everybody feeling tonight?

#357
Very, very well, thank you.

#358
Look, honey...

#359
...there's the hors d'oeuvres.

#360
Excuse me.

#361
Are you insane? There is no way that Camp stole Snowflake.

#362
What are you trying to do?

#363
Will you keep him occupied while I work my magic, please?

#364
Smooshy, isn't it?

#365
We got a few cases from my new dealer in Paris.

#366
Excuse me, Ron...

#367
...I, uh, need to use the bathroom.

#368
[WHISPERING] I think it's the paté.

#369
Sure, it's over there.

#370
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thanks. Ha, ha. Stuff probably looks better on the way out.

#371
Oh, God.

#372
He wasn't feeling well earlier today.

#373
Gravy.

#374
Don't worry, Snowflake.

#375
Ace Ventura's here.

#376
Yummy.

#377
Snowflake.

#378
Here, Snowflake.

#379
I've got a snack for you.

#380
[WHISTLES]

#381
[YELLING]

#382
CAMP: They're wonderful, aren't they?

#383
Yes, they certainly are.

#384
No matter what's going on in my life...

#385
...I can always watch them swim...

#386
...and be totally at peace.

#387
It's not Snowflake.

#388
It's not Snowflake.

#389
It's not Snowflake.

#390
[SHOUTING AND COUGHING]

#391
Are you sure your date is all right?

#392
It's been an awfully long time.

#393
Who, Tom?

#394
Well, I'm sure he's fine.

#395
Do not go in there.

#396
Whoo!

#397
I'm sorry. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.

#398
Do that. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.

#399
I'm sorry again, Mr. Ace.

#400
What're you doing?

#401
I'm sorry, Ron.

#402
CAMP: What's he doing?

#403
Let's go.

#404
[RING JINGLES]

#405
MELISSA: Stop it.

#406
I don't even wanna know why your pants are missing.

#407
You could've cost me my job.

#408
So you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. I'll call CNN.

#409
I found it in the filter, thank you.

#410
And it's not a pebble, it's a rare, triangular cut orange amber.

#411
What're you talking about?

#412
Tonight I saw the same stone in Camp's ring.

#413
I thought you said Camp didn't do it.

#414
No, his ring wasn't missing a stone.

#415
But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.

#416
Ring? What ring?

#417
The 1984 Dolphin AFC championship ring.

#418
I find the ring with a missing stone, I find Snowflake.

#419
How you gonna do that?

#420
Simple.

#421
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

#422
Loser. Why don't you learn how to drive, pal?

#423
You wanna play?

#424
Whoo, whoo!

#425
Damn it.

#426
[GRUNTS]

#427
[SHOUTING]

#428
[PANTS ZIP]

#429
That stone could've come from anywhere.

#430
It could've come from...

#431
...a necklace or a pendant, an earring.

#432
It came from an '84 AFC championship ring.

#433
Einhorn thinks it may have been an animal-rights group. You know FAN?

#434
Free Animals Now, started by Chelsea, daughter of industrialist Fisher Gamble?

#435
Over half a million members worldwide?

#436
No. Who are they?

#437
Did you know...

#438
...they sent letters to college teams demanding the release of their mascots?

#439
What do you feed your dog?

#440
Dog food. Why?

#441
He is miserable.

#442
What are you talking about?

#443
He's very unhappy. I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment.

#444
It's amazing he's still alive.

#445
You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out.

#446
You can't express anger.

#447
Yeah? And you're ugly.

#448
I'm not even gonna talk to you. Would you please leave?

#449
Why? So you can beat him?

#450
Fatty.

#451
Heh. You're unbelievable.

#452
[PHONE RINGING]

#453
Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.

#454
Well, why don't you cry about it, saddlebags?

#455
You like her, huh?

#456
Yeah, she's all right.

#457
Melissa.

#458
Look, Melissa, I, uh....

#459
WOMAN: I'm here at the North Beach Towers condo complex in north Miami...

#460
...where Roger Podacter, head of operations for the Miami Dolphins...

#461
...has apparently committed suicide...

#462
...allegedly leaping to his death from his 20th-story balcony...

#463
Lieutenant Einhorn of the Miami Police Department has yet to comment.

#464
You okay?

#465
WOMAN: I told you. I was in my apartment...

#466
- ...across the hall. MAN 1: Yes, ma'am.

#467
- I heard a scream... - Uh-huh.

#468
...S0 I called the manager.

#469
MAN 2: The place was empty, except for the dog.

#470
I opened the balcony door and looked out...

#471
...Splat, bang, pancake time.

#472
MAN 3: Okay, thank you very much.

#473
I'm gonna leave one of my cards. If you remember anything else, give me a call.

#474
Hi there, fella.

#475
Have a bad night?

#476
[WHIMPERING]

#477
[BARKING]

#478
So...

#479
...animals can sense evil.

#480
Who let Dr. Doolittle in?

#481
Lieutenant, he came with Miss Robinson.

#482
This is police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds a tick.

#483
[ALL LAUGHING THEN ACE MOCK LAUGHING]

#484
EMILIO: Face it-- - E, forget it. She's right.

#485
Besides...

#486
...I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps, pointing out my mistakes.

#487
EINHORN: So...

#488
...you don't think this is an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet-Detective?

#489
I wouldn't say that. There's plenty of evidence here to support your theory.

#490
Except, of course, for that spot of blood on the railing.

#491
May I tell you what I think happened?

#492
Alrighty, then.

#493
Roger Podacter went out after work, had a few drinks, then came home.

#494
He wasn't alone. Someone else was with him. There was a struggle...

#495
...and he was thrown over that balcony.

#496
Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide.

#497
He was murdered.

#498
That's a very entertaining story...

#499
...but real detectives have to worry about that little thing called...

#500
...evidence.

#501
Uh-oh. I think I heard a toilet flush.

#502
Maybe somebody lost a turtle.

#503
[ALL LAUGHING]

#504
Well, I....

#505
I guess I'm out of my league here.

#506
Einhorn....

#507
Good work.

#508
OFFICERS: Ooh. Ow.

#509
Oh, there is just one more thing, lieutenant.

#510
This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor.

#511
- She said she heard a scream. Right? - Right.

#512
And you had to open the balcony door when you came in?

#513
- That's true. - You're sure you had to open this door?

#514
MAN 2: I'm certain.

#515
What's the point, Ventura?

#516
Only this.

#517
[SINGING]

#518
This is double-paned, soundproof glass. There is no way...

#519
...she could have heard Podacter scream on the way down.

#520
The scream she heard came from inside...

#521
...before he was thrown off the balcony. The murderer closed the door upon going.

#522
Yes. Oh, yeah.

#523
Can you feel that, buddy?

#524
Huh, huh, huh?

#525
[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] I have exorcized the demons.

#526
This house is clear.

#527
- Losers. EINHORN: Get him out of here!

#528
- Losers. Losers. - Let's go, Ace.

#529
Losers.

#530
AGUADO: Come on.

#531
Back to the zoo.

#532
MELISSA: What are you thinking?

#533
This whole thing is connected, somehow.

#534
I want to find that other ring.

#535
MELISSA: Ace, you checked all the rings.

#536
ACE: Receipts? What about receipts?

#537
There's gotta be receipts.

#538
That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.

#539
You don't have to tell me.

#540
I was there.

#541
Maybe you should've joined the police force, become a real detective.

#542
I don't do humans.

#543
You really love animals.

#544
If it gets cold enough.

#545
[CHUCKLES]

#546
No, I have a kinship with them.

#547
I, uh, understand them.

#548
Wanna hear something spooky?

#549
Sure.

#550
One time when I was about 12, I had a dream that I was being followed by...

#551
...a big dog with rabies.

#552
He had these bloodshot eyes...

#553
...and foam came out of his mouth.

#554
No matter how fast I ran, he just kept gaining on me and gaining on me.

#555
Then just before I got to my front door...

#556
...he jumped and sank his teeth in.

#557
That's when I woke up...

#558
...and felt the back of my neck. Check that out.

#559
[ACE BARKS AND MELISSA SCREAMS]

#560
Bastard.

#561
I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

#562
Want to know why I do this?

#563
I'm not sure anymore.

#564
You better be sure...

#565
...because once you get inside my head...

#566
...there's no turning back.

#567
[CHUCKLES]

#568
So, um, ahem....

#569
Are these all? There's only a dozen.

#570
Maybe it's in another file, in the back.

#571
Who the hell is that?

#572
What?

#573
ACE: That.

#574
Who the hell is that?

#575
That's Ray Finkle, the kicker. Don't you know who he is?

#576
No.

#577
Why isn't he in this picture?

#578
This was taken earlier in the year. Ray Finkle wasn't added till mid-season.

#579
He missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year.

#580
Cost the Dolphins the game.

#581
But he got himself a ring, didn't he?

#582
Definitely.

#583
"Replacement kicker having a great year."

#584
"Ready for Super Bowl, all-star kicker boasts."

#585
"Field goal sails wide, Dolphins lose Super Bowl."

#586
"The kick heard 'round the world."

#587
That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

#588
Poor guy.

#589
Poor guy with a motive, baby.

#590
Where is he now?

#591
I heard he went back to his hometown in Collier County.

#592
Really?

#593
You're gonna drop me off before you go?

#594
No way. You shouldn't be left alone right now.

#595
It might not be safe at your apartment.

#596
What do you suggest?

#597
[MELISSA MOANING]

#598
Oh, my God.

#599
Oh, my God.

#600
Three times?

#601
I'm sorry, that's never happened to me before.

#602
I must be tired.

#603
Okay, I'm ready again.

#604
Hi. I'm looking for Ray Finkle...

#605
...and a clean pair of shorts.

#606
What do you know about Ray Finkle?

#607
Soccer-style kicker. Graduated from Collier High, 1976.

#608
Stetson University honors graduate, 1980. Holds two NCAA records.

#609
Most points and distance.

#610
Nickname, "The Mule." The only pro athlete from here.

#611
And one hell of a model American.

#612
Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?

#613
No, sir.

#614
I'm just a big Finkle fan.

#615
This is my Graceland, sir.

#616
Will you put that gun down?

#617
The boy is a fan of our son.

#618
So nice to meet you.

#619
I'm Ray's mother...

#620
...and this is Ray's father.

#621
It's a real honor.

#622
WOMAN: It's an honor to have you here.

#623
My Ray is so appreciative of his fans.

#624
He'll be so pleased you stopped by.

#625
Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?

#626
- Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute. - Ah.

#627
Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.

#628
Yummy.

#629
Wow.

#630
Ray Finkle's house.

#631
I can't wait to meet him.

#632
Ray ain't coming home.

#633
But your wife expects him any minute.

#634
She expects him home any minute.

#635
See, the engine's running but, uh, there's nobody behind the wheel.

#636
Eight years ago...

#637
...our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital.

#638
And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.

#639
It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everyone knows that.

#640
If he'd held the ball, laces out, like he's supposed to...

#641
...Ray wouldn't have missed the kick.

#642
Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

#643
Would you like a cookie, son?

#644
Mm. What do you know?

#645
They're little footballs.

#646
Laces out.

#647
When Ray gets back and starts kicking again...

#648
...he'll never even know he was gone.

#649
I've kept his room just the way he left it.

#650
Oh, boy.

#651
What a sports nut, huh?

#652
- May 1? - Oh, yes, by all means.

#653
MAN [ON VIDEO]: Five seconds to go here in Super Bowl XVII.

#654
Dolphins trailing the 49ers...

#655
...by one. This will win the game for Miami.

#656
There's the snap.

#657
Marino holds.

#658
The kick...

#659
...and it's high. No, it's...

#660
...no good. Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal.

#661
I don't believe it.

#662
The Dolphins lose.

#663
The Dolphins lose. The Dolphins lose the Super Bowl.

#664
- Melissa, it's Ace. MELISSA [OVER PHONE]: Where are you?

#665
I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor. Where's Marino?

#666
Why?

#667
He's about to join Snowflake. I've gotta know where he is.

#668
He has a commercial shoot at the Bogart Sound Stage.

#669
Call the police. Get extra security over there. Now.

#670
Ace, what's going on?

#671
Ace. Ace.

#672
Thought I left?

#673
I'm really gonna go this time.

#674
MAN 1: Here we go, folks. Very quiet.

#675
MAN 2: Action.

#676
I'm Dan Marino, and if anyone knows the value of protection, it's me.

#677
So I take care of the hands that take care of me...

#678
...with Isotoner gloves.

#679
MAN 2: Cut. Again from the top.

#680
I said, cut.

#681
Guys, it's a cut.

#682
MAN 2: What the hell are they doing?

#683
MAN 1: That's a cut.

#684
- What is this, a rewrite? - Shut up.

#685
- Where'd they go? - Over there.

#686
Let's go.

#687
Excuse me, gentlemen.

#688
Pet detective.

#689
[GUNFIRE]

#690
Come on. What's wrong?

#691
Can't you hit me?

#692
Whew.

#693
[CAR STARTS]

#694
MAN 1: Have there been ransom demands?

#695
There's no communication with the kidnappers.

#696
Will the Super Bowl be postponed?

#697
The game is on as scheduled.

#698
Why weren't we told about the kidnapping?

#699
Secrecy was essential. We couldn't risk any interference.

#700
- Are the crimes related? - I'm sorry, I can't comment further.

#701
Now, if you'll excuse me....

#702
[CHATTERING]

#703
Get me the autopsy on Podacter.

#704
Aguado, send out a memo: No one talks to the press.

#705
And somebody get me some coffee.

#706
Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee.

#707
Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you'd better be gone.

#708
ACE: Is it number one or number two?

#709
I just wanna know how much time I have.

#710
Hey, uh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that...

#711
- ...pesky Snowflake-Podacter-Marino thing. - Oh, yeah?

#712
You ever heard of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

#713
All right, Ventura...

#714
...make it quick.

#715
I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank.

#716
It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC championship ring.

#717
It would've been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray missed the kick.

#718
Blames the whole thing on Marino.

#719
We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room.

#720
Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter.

#721
So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

#722
My guess is, Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story.

#723
As for Snowflake, they gave him Finkle's number, taught him how to kick a goal.

#724
Finkle took it personally.

#725
So where is Finkle now?

#726
Busted out of a mental institute. He's been plotting his revenge for years.

#727
Waiting for the perfect time to get back at them.

#728
The time when it'd hurt them most:

#729
Super Bowl time.

#730
Man, I'm tired of being right.

#731
Congratulations.

#732
You've done some fine detective work...

#733
...Ace.

#734
I'm sorry, could you speak into my good ear?

#735
I thought I heard you call me Ace.

#736
Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

#737
Your gun is digging into my hip.

#738
What's wrong?

#739
Want me to read you your rights?

#740
Maybe later.

#741
What is it?

#742
That bony little bitch...

#743
...Melissa Robinson?

#744
You just don't do anything for me.

#745
Down, boy.

#746
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

#747
Everything okay in here? I heard some commotion.

#748
Fine, sergeant.

#749
You want me to throw him out?

#750
Why don't you throw yourself out?

#751
Yes, ma'am.

#752
[DOOR CLOSES]

#753
Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.

#754
I can't do that, lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.

#755
When we find Marino...

#756
...we'll deliver Snowflake.

#757
When I find Snowflake...

#758
...I'll deliver Marino.

#759
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

#760
[DOG BARKING]

#761
ACE: Melissa, it's Ace.

#762
What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.

#763
You have to commit me.

#764
Finkle escaped from Shady Acres. They still have his stuff.

#765
MELISSA: They aren't gonna let us look around.

#766
ACE: I know.

#767
It's a good thing I'm a master of disguise.

#768
HANDLY: Mrs. Robinson...

#769
...I'm Dr. Handly.

#770
Now who is it you want us to look at?

#771
My brother...

#772
...Larry.

#773
I'm ready to go in. Just give me a chance.

#774
I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological.

#775
Just gotta stay positive.

#776
I'm gonna execute a buttonhook pattern, super slow-mo.

#777
[GROANING]

#778
Let's see that...

#779
...in an instant replay.

#780
[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

#781
Your brother won't be the first football pro we've treated.

#782
- Is that right? - Yes, we're very sensitive...

#783
...to the stress athletes have to endure.

#784
I'm open. I'm open.

#785
I'm open.

#786
We'll do some preliminary evaluations...

#787
...but I think he'll fit in nicely here.

#788
ACE: Over here.

#789
351.

#790
351.

#791
Rover, sit. Hut, hut.

#792
He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game.

#793
Has he had a history of mental illness?

#794
As long as I've known him.

#795
And, uh, this is one of our therapy rooms.

#796
And we do arts and crafts out here in the courtyard.

#797
And this is the storage room. Down the hallway we have another--

#798
[MIMICS WHISTLE]

#799
Halftime.

#800
[SINGING]

#801
He'll be fine there by himself for the next 20 minutes.

#802
- I'll show you the dormitories, then. - Great.

#803
WOMAN [ON PA]: Dr. Hire, please call the page operator.

#804
Dr. Hire, please call the page operator.

#805
[BUBBLE WRAP POPPING]

#806
Finkle.

#807
Isotoners.

#808
[WHISTLES]

#809
Obsess much?

#810
MAN 1: Where are you going?

#811
MAN 2: To clean the storage room. MAN 1: No, clean the cafeteria.

#812
MAN 2: I don't tell you how to do your job.

#813
MAN 1: The schedule says...

#814
- ...clean the cafeteria. - I know what I'm doing.

#815
MAN 1: You should've done it earlier.

#816
MAN 2: Man, come on. Cafeteria, my ass. I'm cleaning in here.

#817
MAN 1: You take breaks too long. You smoke--

#818
MAN 2: Man, you're a pain in the ass.

#819
"Search called off for missing hiker.

#820
A search ended today when rescue workers...

#821
...were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn."

#822
A hiker missing since Friday?

#823
Lois Einhorn?

#824
Holy shitballs.

#825
EINHORN: What're you doing out here? Get back to work.

#826
MAN: Sorry, lieutenant.

#827
EMILIO: "Love, Roger"?

#828
EMILIO [ON RECORDING]: Ace, it's E.

#829
You think the article you found was something?

#830
I got a note from Roger to Einhorn...

#831
...thanking her for a wonderful evening.

#832
Something ain't stirring the Kool-Aid, man.

#833
Wiggles, rewind.

#834
What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle?

#835
Come on, think.

#836
Finkle and Einhorn, in it together. How? Why?

#837
All right. Here we go.

#838
Answer's right there. Just gotta get blood to the brain.

#839
Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn.

#840
Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn.

#841
Einhorn and Finkle.

#842
Finkle and Einhorn.

#843
Quitter.

#844
What do you want? Huh?

#845
I don't have any food for you.

#846
I have to have money to buy food.

#847
I have to have a dolphin to get money. Do you see a dolphin here?

#848
[SIGHS]

#849
Let's face it...

#850
...your master is a loser.

#851
Loo....

#852
What the...?

#853
That's it.

#854
That's it.

#855
Einhorn is Finkle.

#856
Finkle is Einhorn.

#857
Einhorn is a man.

#858
Oh, my God.

#859
Einhorn is a man.

#860
[GROANS]

#861
[VOMITING]

#862
[GROANING AND CRYING]

#863
No! No.

#864
"Your gun is digging into my hip."

#865
God.

#866
BOB [ON TV]. And the big story in this Super Bowl game is the abduction...

#867
...of Miami's starting quarterback, Dan Marino.

#868
MAN: It's gotta be a strain on this Miami team, Bob....

#869
[SHOUTING]

#870
EINHORN: What's the matter, Dan? Aren't you having fun?

#871
I just love Super Bowl Sunday. Don't you, Dan?

#872
A magical afternoon...

#873
...where dreams are made...

#874
...and crushed.

#875
Look, if you want tickets, you're going about it the wrong way.

#876
EINHORN: Do I look familiar to you? Does it seem as if we've...

#877
...met someplace before?

#878
I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot.

#879
BOB: Now the coin toss.

#880
EINHORN: Kickoff time.

#881
My favorite thing.

#882
MAN: Bob, it looks like Philadelphia has elected to kick off.

#883
EINHORN: Laces out.

#884
MAN: With Marino out, they're gonna be putting a lot of pressure...

#885
...on this replacement quarterback.

#886
BOB: And there's the kick.

#887
This year's Super Bowl is under way.

#888
I made some refreshments, Dan.

#889
Would you like some refreshments, Dan?

#890
I'll be right back, Dan.

#891
ROC: And it was his wife. Ha, ha.

#892
I don't know how much psycho-woman's paying you, but I'll double it.

#893
Sorry. "Psycho-woman" keeps us out of prison.

#894
Snowflake, here you go. Come on.

#895
ROC: Check it out, Marino.

#896
I'm throwing passes to a dolphin.

#897
[ROC AND VINNIE LAUGHING]

#898
[SNOWFLAKE CLICKING]

#899
Damn. Go get some more fish.

#900
I'm gonna kill that dolphin.

#901
[IN DEEP VOICE] Lovely party.

#902
Pity I wasn't invited.

#903
Where the hell's the smelt?

#904
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Unconscious. Exactly as I planned.

#905
[LAUGHING]

#906
[GROWLS]

#907
Hey, Roc?

#908
What the hell was that?

#909
Shit.

#910
What happened? What's going on?

#911
- You okay? - Guess what?

#912
It's naptime.

#913
BOB: What a hit.

#914
ACE: Heads up.

#915
Hi, Dan.

#916
Who are you?

#917
Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I've been sent with a special play:

#918
The quarterback sneak.

#919
Penalty. Too many men on the field.

#920
I warned you, Ventura.

#921
Whatever happened to "Ace"?

#922
Good question.

#923
Be careful with that phone. In time, you could develop a tumor.

#924
Aguado, it's Lieutenant Einhorn.

#925
Send some men over to the Hallandale yacht basin.

#926
I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse.

#927
It's Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

#928
DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Code 11 in progress, 343 Victorville Road...

#929
...at the Hallandale basin.

#930
Officer needs backup. Suspect's name: Ace Ventura...

#931
...Should be considered armed and dangerous.

#932
It's Ace. We gotta break out of here.

#933
MELISSA: Is he in trouble?

#934
Don't worry, if there's one thing I know...

#935
...there's nothing Ace can't handle.

#936
[CRYING] Don't kill me.

#937
Please.

#938
I'll never tell anyone, I swear.

#939
- He's who you want. Kill him. - Kill him.

#940
Kill him. He held the ball, remember?

#941
Come on, look at him.

#942
- Crybaby. - Jock.

#943
- Wimp. - Musclehead.

#944
Shut up.

#945
I think I'll kill the dolphin first. I wouldn't want you to miss that.

#946
BOB: And there's the snap.

#947
The kick. And it's good.

#948
Good to see somebody who doesn't buckle under the pressure.

#949
[GUN COCKS]

#950
What would you know about pressure?

#951
Well, I have kissed a man.

#952
BOB: There's never been a more crucial kick in a Super Bowl...

#953
...than the "kick heard 'round the world."

#954
I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.

#955
The laces were in.

#956
They were in!

#957
[BOTH SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

#958
- You like that? - Aah!

#959
You like that?

#960
And that. And that.

#961
Having a little trouble with the lady?

#962
You don't understand...

#963
...She's a--

#964
Get him, Lois. Get him.

#965
Get him.

#966
Shoot him!

#967
- Shoot him! EMILIO: Hold your fire.

#968
Don't shoot.

#969
MELISSA: Put your guns down, or this cop gets it.

#970
I mean it.

#971
EMILIO: She's not joking.

#972
He kidnapped Snowflake.

#973
He killed Roger Podacter and was about to kill Marino and me.

#974
Ho, ho, ho!

#975
Fiction can be fun.

#976
But I find the reference section much more enlightening.

#977
For instance...

#978
...if you look up...

#979
...professional football's all-time bonehead plays...

#980
...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle...

#981
...who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

#982
You wouldn't read that Finkle was committed to a mental hospital...

#983
...only to escape, join the police...

#984
...and scheme to get even with Marino...

#985
...whom he blamed for the entire thing.

#986
What are you talking about?

#987
She's not Lois Einhorn. She's Ray Finkle. She's a man.

#988
He's lying.

#989
Shoot him!

#990
Let's just see who's lying, shall we?

#991
Would a real woman have to wear one of these?

#992
[GRUNTING]

#993
Boy, that's really on there.

#994
But tell me this:

#995
Would a real woman...

#996
...be missing these?

#997
[LAUGHING]

#998
That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend.

#999
But I doubt very much...

#1000
...if he could find the time during his busy schedule...

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