Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E04 — The Gang Replaces Dee With A Monkey

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 4 — The Gang Replaces Dee With A Monkey

#1
No.

#2
No, no. This can't be happening.

#3
I-I-I'm too young.

#4
No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.

#5
I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.

#6
It's always so goddamn hot.

#7
Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.

#8
It's all happening too fast.

#9
I had plans, and they were perfect plans.

#10
This is just all too soon!

#11
What the hell was that about?

#12
I'll tell you what that was about. Menopause.

#13
- What? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

#14
- Menopause? - Oh, for real?

#15
I went through the same thing with Barbara.

#16
Overnight, she became completely irrational

#17
with the hot flashes and the mood swings.

#18
And the paranoia, oh, that was the worst.

#19
Always accusing me of having affairs.

#20
Hmm. Right. But you were having affairs.

#21
Yeah, but it was a real headache, and you can't have that around here.

#22
I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,

#23
you know, I slept with Dee that one time, but, like,

#24
I'm, like, sick of looking at her.

#25
- I, too. - You know? Is it just me?

#26
- No. - Okay.

#27
- No. - No.

#28
- It's not just you. - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not trying

#29
to be mean, it's not personal.

#30
You're just being honest about how you feel.

#31
- Yeah. - Also, there's a smell.

#32
- Okay. - There's a smell, yeah.

#33
And a lot of women have this,

#34
and it makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't want to be around it,

#35
and I think that's what you're saying.

#36
Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,

#37
but, no, I'm just saying, like...

#38
I feel a lot of tension in the workplace 'cause we slept together, you know?

#39
Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.

#40
Okay, I can see that.

#41
We can legally fire her

#42
and bring in whichever man we want.

#43
Oh, okay.

#44
I see... I see where you're going with that.

#45
Yeah, he's got an agenda. But either way,

#46
it-it doesn't matter. The point is,

#47
what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,

#48
and I think it's a great idea. I think, I think it's long overdue.

#49
Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,

#50
can we at least make sure she's competent?

#51
Competent?

#52
A monkey could do Dee's job.

#53
A monkey could.

#54
Terrific. Thanks for coming in.

#55
- All right. - Move. Move.

#56
Not gonna get it. No. Give me a break. Move.

#57
- What is... - You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.

#58
You listen to me.

#59
Because I have been listening to you for long enough.

#60
- I'm sorry... Who are you? - No, no, no.

#61
This can't be happening. This can't be happening, I'm too young.

#62
Why are you doing this to me? Why? I-I... No. I don't want to change.

#63
Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.

#64
- You have to-- - Oh, God, it's so hot.

#65
Why is it always so goddamn hot? Somebody ought to crack a window.

#66
No, I-I-I need more time. I had it all planned out.

#67
It was perfect, and this is just too soon!

#68
Oh, God!

#69
And that's the scene.

#70
Yes, I'm aware.

#71
I'm done. I was in character before, but I'm me now,

#72
so you can tell me how good I was.

#73
Okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.

#74
You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...

#75
Plus, I do feel like that's what the character would have done,

#76
and I've been in character all day.

#77
As a matter of fact, don't want to brag, but I've been in character all week.

#78
Okay, well, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...

#79
Come on, man! No, I've been coming here for years,

#80
and you never put me past you to the director.

#81
Well, listen, we have... A lot of people are going to be reading for this role.

#82
No! I'm gonna see the director.

#83
You're gonna put me through to the director,

#84
that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.

#85
I deserve it. I am a trained actor.

#86
Okay? I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes,

#87
and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?

#88
That all that money was just a waste?

#89
Well, not for your acting teacher.

#90
Hmm?

#91
You know, guys, it occurs to me that, with this new employee,

#92
we could be looking at a lot less work and a lot more available time.

#93
Perhaps we should consider a vacation.

#94
Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.

#95
I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable

#96
with the idea of travel lately, like...

#97
Check this out, did you guys know that

#98
Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?

#99
- Yes. - Yeah.

#100
No, think about that, though, that's crazy.

#101
Like, two cities in one state?

#102
- No, that's-that's not crazy. - No. No, not at all.

#103
No, no, no.

#104
All right, I don't think you understand.

#105
There's two cities in the same state, like, how is that even possible?

#106
All states have more than one city.

#107
That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.

#108
Mmm... No.

#109
- Yes. - There's... No.

#110
- Yes. - There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

#111
Yes.

#112
So, that's what Pennsylvania is.

#113
- Oh, no. - No.

#114
Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?

#115
- No. - No.

#116
No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania...

#117
- What is this man talking about? - I...

#118
I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly

#119
going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?

#120
- No. - Explain this to me.

#121
Oh! I understand. I think I understand...

#122
- Really? - Finally, somebody gets it.

#123
He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.

#124
- Yeah. Well, yeah. - He wants to go somewhere exotic.

#125
- Yes. - He wants to go to Fire Island.

#126
He wants to go to Greece.

#127
- He wants to experiment. - No. That's not what I'm saying, no.

#128
- He wants to try new things. - That is not what he said.

#129
- Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh. - 'Cause we're already there.

#130
We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel...

#131
I... This-this is not easy.

#132
Hey-o. Check it out.

#133
What the hell is this?

#134
It's Dee's replacement.

#135
Why did you get a monkey?

#136
Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.

#137
We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,

#138
so I got a monkey instead.

#139
It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.

#140
Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.

#141
We need an actual person.

#142
Oh, yeah? Check this out.

#143
Monkey, beer.

#144
See? Great, huh?

#145
No! No, not great. Ridiculous.

#146
You think a monkey can run a bar?

#147
Run a bar?

#148
I thought it was just to do Dee's job.

#149
Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar

#150
- 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. - Right.

#151
- Ooh, vacation? - Mmm-hmm.

#152
- Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? - Ah.

#153
What is with you guys and Pittsburgh? Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

#154
If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.

#155
Yeah, thanks.

#156
I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,

#157
and you guys want to go to the second-best city

#158
in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.

#159
Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?

#160
Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

#161
Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?

#162
Whoa, hang on a second now.

#163
That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?

#164
Beats me.

#165
Okay, well, it's very, very delicious.

#166
What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?

#167
He some kind of mixologist?

#168
He used to work in the movies.

#169
He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.

#170
Rumor has it that he also did a short stint

#171
making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

#172
- Wow. - Okay, okay. Interesting.

#173
- You know those were stiff. - Yeah.

#174
Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person

#175
to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,

#176
you know, but while we're landing on where exactly to go, let's, uh...

#177
Mmm!

#178
Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is

#179
the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.

#180
Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.

#181
- You guys got to try this. - Really?

#182
- I bet, yeah. - Monkey.

#183
- Three more. - Yeah. All right.

#184
Look at that.

#185
Hello. Good afternoon.

#186
I'm Deandra Reynolds,

#187
and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.

#188
For starters...

#189
I don't have a limp.

#190
Right?

#191
Don't be shy.

#192
Thank you.

#193
Thank you so much. Thank you.

#194
Oh, here's the thing.

#195
The first order of business, and perhaps the most important thing,

#196
is payment.

#197
Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash or cashier's check?

#198
Okay, good. Great.

#199
Great, wonderful. Okay, well, let's get started.

#200
Chain saw, avocado, marlin.

#201
- What'd I just say? You. - Um...

#202
Chain saw, avocado, marlin?

#203
Right!

#204
Which is wrong.

#205
You just violated the first rule of acting.

#206
You listened.

#207
When you are listening, you are not talking,

#208
and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.

#209
You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?

#210
An extra.

#211
Which brings me to rule number two.

#212
Acting is...

#213
Oh, um... Reacting.

#214
Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.

#215
Think about it.

#216
Ignore reality.

#217
You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.

#218
Ignore your scene partner

#219
because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.

#220
And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?

#221
You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?

#222
Any questions?

#223
No! Put your hands down!

#224
No.

#225
Don't ask questions.

#226
That shows you don't know something,

#227
which makes you look weak.

#228
Got it?

#229
Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,

#230
it's pretty important to me, okay? 'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,

#231
you're not walking out of here without the payment.

#232
Oh, my God, Charlie, we're not going to Scranton.

#233
All right, fine. What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?

#234
Altoona? You know...

#235
Okay, will you at least consider going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?

#236
All those cities are in Pennsylvania?

#237
Are you kidding me? Like, you don't want to know--

#238
Thank you, monkey. You don't want to know, like,

#239
how this shit works, man?

#240
No. I don't want to find out how zoning districts work.

#241
I don't care about that. Thank you, monkey.

#242
I want to go somewhere exotic.

#243
Baltimore?

#244
- Baltimore is not exotic, Frank. - No.

#245
I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore

#246
that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey.

#247
You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.

#248
Regardless of where we decide to go, we're taking this goddamn monkey

#249
- because I love this guy. I love him. - Oh, yeah.

#250
It would be great if we could hire more monkeys

#251
to do our job for us while we're gone.

#252
Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar, you know what I mean?

#253
Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?

#254
- Yeah. - Yeah, because Hollywood decided

#255
you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.

#256
- Are you seriously... - You can't beat monkeys?

#257
- No, you can't. - At all?

#258
Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore

#259
- 'cause of these snowflakes? - Not allowed to do it no more.

#260
- These Hollywood... - Oh, my God.

#261
I do have to admit, though, it is a little disappointing

#262
to discover that a team of primates could do our jobs for us, but...

#263
I'm gonna blow past it

#264
because I really do want to come up with a vacation spot for us, you know?

#265
So, here's what I'm thinking, guys. Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?

#266
Grab a napkin.

#267
And, uh, everybody write down a destination on the napkin,

#268
and then we'll put that destination in this bowl right here,

#269
I'll pick one out,

#270
and that way not one of us decides, but we let fate take over.

#271
- What do you guys think about that plan? - Okay.

#272
I didn't say that

#273
- I don't love you. - Then what is it?

#274
Is it my gang ties? Because I don't need that shit.

#275
I'll leave it all behind.

#276
Just tell me what's wrong.

#277
The baby.

#278
It's not yours. It's my...

#279
my...

#280
- my father's. - Bigger.

#281
- My father's! - Louder.

#282
- My father's! - Yes!

#283
Good. Now you go.

#284
- Your father's? - Louder.

#285
Your father's?

#286
Okay! Now, this is what I'm talking about.

#287
Nice work. Do you all see that?

#288
Goddamn, that's what I want. I want to be able

#289
to see your performance from the fucking moon.

#290
Guys, the louder you are,

#291
the more people have to pay attention to you.

#292
Yeah, I-I don't understand the script.

#293
What movie did you say this was from?

#294
I didn't. I wrote it.

#295
It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.

#296
Oh. Are you gonna write all the scenes?

#297
Well, there you go asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.

#298
Kiki, how does that make him seem to you?

#299
Um... Weak?

#300
Weak! Good. Very good.

#301
Now, you, Kiki, you're really getting this.

#302
But did you feel that?

#303
Did you feel how he went from, like, a hot stud you'd like to bang

#304
to a weak little bitch right before your eyes? Right?

#305
I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,

#306
but that's between him and me.

#307
Tony, see me after class.

#308
Um... Okay.

#309
Wrong! Wrong! Okay.

#310
People in power will try and bang you.

#311
Now, sometimes it will be necessary to get the part,

#312
but assess the situation.

#313
Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?

#314
Tony, do see me after class.

#315
And the place that we're going to is...

#316
Yell... Yellow?

#317
What is, what is this? Who, who wrote this?

#318
Me. Yeah.

#319
Were you trying to say Yellowstone or...

#320
Uh... No. Just yellow.

#321
- Just yellow? Just the color yellow? - Well, I panicked.

#322
You know, you were shooting down all the other places

#323
I've been naming, so I-I couldn't think of something.

#324
Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place, you idiot, so...

#325
We're gonna try this again.

#326
Next place I pick out, that's where we're gonna go.

#327
Mmm-hmm.

#328
Purple.

#329
What is happening?

#330
That was me. Yeah, I did purple.

#331
- You did purple? - Yeah, I...

#332
- Two of you wrote colors? - Okay, so you thought of a color, too?

#333
I didn't understand the assignment either.

#334
- It-it was not clear. - I said write down a destination,

#335
- and two people wrote down colors? - We're sorry, we're sorry.

#336
- I don't understand... - I like purple.

#337
I like purple, too, Frank. That's why I wrote it down.

#338
Well, maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.

#339
Go where? Purple? That's not a place!

#340
- That... All right, you know... - Okay, you're right.

#341
I think, these beers are a little strong.

#342
- Are you drunk? - I... these beers are a little strong.

#343
I will admit that the beers are also stronger

#344
- than I was anticipating. - I like this beer.

#345
You know what, guys?

#346
- I'm having a lot of fun here. - Mmm-hmm.

#347
But I do want to figure this out, so, new plan.

#348
All right, here's what we're gonna do.

#349
Instead of writing down places,

#350
why don't we write down... keywords?

#351
Or phrases, you know?

#352
Let's go with our instincts, you know?

#353
Whatever we want to feel, what-whatever we want to experience

#354
on the vacation, okay?

#355
And then we'll put it up on a board.

#356
We'll look at it all together and then maybe

#357
the destination will just reveal itself to us.

#358
And... we can drink more monkey beer.

#359
Yeah.

#360
- Monkey! - We'll drink monkey beer while doing it.

#361
- Monkey. - Four more monkey beers, monkey.

#362
- Monkey, monkey, monkey beer! - Monkey! Four more!

#363
Ms. Reynolds, can I talk to you for a second?

#364
Oh, God, what's this? Listen, if you don't have the cash,

#365
you're gonna want to borrow it from, like, an uncle or a friend

#366
or something 'cause I don't make exceptions.

#367
No. It's, uh, it's not the money. Um...

#368
I just wanted to say... thank you.

#369
It feels so good to be seen like that.

#370
My parents don't really believe in me, so...

#371
Wait, wait, wait. Stop talking.

#372
Holy shit.

#373
You're making me realize something here.

#374
Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.

#375
What?

#376
Well, what I mean is, I-I was just able to give you something

#377
your parents never did, and all-all I had to do was...

#378
toss you a single compliment.

#379
I can control you.

#380
I can make you feel however I want you to feel,

#381
which will help you be a better actor.

#382
- Oh, I do want to be a better... - Shh. I'm not done.

#383
Oh, that's real power.

#384
Way more power than just acting, and I think that's what it was

#385
probably all about for me, you know?

#386
I just... I was searching for a sense of control.

#387
Oh, Kiki, you were...

#388
terrible.

#389
Wait, I-I was?

#390
No. No.

#391
I'm kidding.

#392
You were amazing.

#393
And you're going to make it.

#394
I believe in you.

#395
Oh, you do?

#396
Maybe.

#397
I'm not going to tell you right now.

#398
But yes.

#399
Oh, my God! This is...

#400
This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.

#401
I'm going to be there for you.

#402
I'm going to be the mother and father that you never had.

#403
I'm only going to take 35% of all your future earnings,

#404
and I will never, never

#405
turn my back on you, do you understand?

#406
- Yes. - Because you...

#407
Can you give me one second?

#408
My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket.

#409
One sec. Hello?

#410
No! I'm gonna see the director.

#411
Hi, yes. Is this Deandra Reynolds?

#412
- Yup. - Right. Well,

#413
I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this...

#414
- Faster. - What?

#415
Faster.

#416
Right. Brilliant.

#417
Well, I am the director of the TV show

#418
that you crashed the audition on the other day,

#419
and we have a role that...

#420
Slower.

#421
All right. Um...

#422
Well, as I was saying, I am...

#423
the director...

#424
Too slow. Don't start over.

#425
Okay.

#426
Well, I saw your tape,

#427
and, based on what I saw, and this conversation,

#428
I think we have a part that might be right for you.

#429
Stop.

#430
Attention, everyone.

#431
Dee Reynolds Acting School is officially closed.

#432
And I'm sorry, there will be no return on investments,

#433
but it was in the fine print. Have a wonderful afternoon.

#434
Continue.

#435
Oh, my God.

#436
Oh, guys.

#437
What the hell is happening?

#438
Guys, wake up.

#439
Wake...

#440
Wha...

#441
Oh, my God. My head is killing me.

#442
Oh, dude. I am very hungover. I do not feel good.

#443
Charlie, you're full of scratches.

#444
So are you.

#445
- Wait, I got scratches, too. - Oh, shit.

#446
Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.

#447
Is that shit on the bar?

#448
What-what is that...

#449
sour, salty taste in my mouth? Do you guys have that?

#450
- Yeah, I got that. - Yes. Yes, I have that.

#451
- What is that? - Yeah, it's real bad.

#452
- Guys... - Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.

#453
I think we've been outsmarted.

#454
- What? - Huh?

#455
The monkey got us drunk,

#456
assaulted us,

#457
robbed the bar,

#458
and possibly fucked our mouths.

#459
- Oh, God! - Yeah, he did. That is what happened.

#460
Yeah, the guy who sold him to me

#461
did say something like this could happen.

#462
- He did? - Yeah.

#463
Apparently, the monkey's grandfather was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey,

#464
and you know how these things go. These monkeys are passed down

#465
from one Hollywood creep to the next,

#466
until, eventually,

#467
they wind up under a bridge in Philly

#468
getting drunk and pulling scams.

#469
- Oh! Goddamn. All right. - What?

#470
All right, all right, we got to think about this. All right,

#471
so let's not take the monkey on our vacation.

#472
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#473
The vacation. I think we landed on a vacation destination last night.

#474
- Yeah, we did, we did. Look, look, look. - Oh, look at the board.

#475
- We did? - Yeah. We got something on here.

#476
Let's, um...

#477
Okay, should we see where we're going?

#478
- Yeah, where are we going? - Where we going? Where we going?

#479
All right, here we go...

#480
"Monkey Beer Island of green and fight."

#481
- Goddamn it. - That's not a place.

#482
- That's not a place? - No, it's not!

#483
No, it's not a goddamn place. You know what this is?

#484
This is the ramblings of four men who got very, very drunk last night

#485
on a mystery concoction invented by a wild animal.

#486
- Why can't we just be normal? - That is what it is.

#487
That's so weird.

#488
- Why would we do that? - Because the monkey beers

#489
were so delicious.

#490
All right? That-that monkey may have been a pervert,

#491
but he was also a genius, which is often the case in Hollywood.

#492
You know what I'm thinking? 'Cause I'm seeing a lot

#493
of empty whiskey bottles around,

#494
I'm thinking maybe that monkey was just pouring, like,

#495
half a bottle of whiskey in each beer.

#496
- You know? - That could be.

#497
Based on my hangover, I think that's what I'm feeling.

#498
- Goddamn it. - That tracks, that tracks.

#499
So, monkey beer is just whiskey...

#500
Whiskey-beer, yeah. ...beer?

#501
So...

#502
"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

#503
- We're nowhere. We're nowhere. - Hey-o!

#504
Whoa, what the hell happened...

#505
You know what? Don't care.

#506
Do not even care 'cause guess what, dick nips.

#507
This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig.

#508
Why don't you feast your eyes on "Obnoxious American MILF #1"?

#509
In your faces. That's right.

#510
And guess what. I leave tomorrow morning

#511
at 6:30 a.m. on a first-class flight

#512
'cause it shoots in Ireland, baby.

#513
Yeah!

#514
Body slam!

#515
- I mean, she... She comes in screaming. - That was the worst.

#516
- Screaming. - Cackling like a witch.

#517
Just screaming and screeching, like...

#518
Oh, my God.

#519
Oh, my God.

#520
- What? What is it? - I don't know.

#521
- I don't know. - You don't know?

#522
- Right? It wasn't clear. - Frank looked at me...

#523
Why did you guys act like you knew what it was, then?

#524
I don't know. We were all getting excited together.

#525
- I was excited... - And, yeah...

#526
Goddamn it. Frank, you tell them what it is.

#527
Yeah, what is it?

#528
I don't know what it is.

#529
- You don't... - Okay, yeah, we don't know...

#530
- We don't know what it is. - Guys, guys.

#531
"Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

#532
That's Ireland.

#533
Goddamn, you guys.

#534
What is this delicious drink? This is good.

#535
I was gonna go home and get some sleep,

#536
but I might have to get a couple soda pops in first,

#537
you know what I mean? Nice job.

#538
Mmm. Mmm!

#539
Ooh. Wow.

#540
Is that poop?

#541
No.

#542
No, no. This can't be happening.

#543
I-I-I'm too young.

#544
No, why are you doing this? I don't want to change.

#545
I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.

#546
It's always so goddamn hot.

#547
Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.

#548
It's all happening too fast.

#549
I had plans, and they were perfect plans.

#550
This is just all too soon!

#551
What the hell was that about?

#552
I'll tell you what that was about. Menopause.

#553
- What? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

#554
- Menopause? - Oh, for real?

#555
I went through the same thing with Barbara.

#556
Overnight, she became completely irrational

#557
with the hot flashes and the mood swings.

#558
And the paranoia, oh, that was the worst.

#559
Always accusing me of having affairs.

#560
Hmm. Right. But you were having affairs.

#561
Yeah, but it was a real headache, and you can't have that around here.

#562
I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,

#563
you know, I slept with Dee that one time, but, like,

#564
I'm, like, sick of looking at her.

#565
- I, too. - You know? Is it just me?

#566
- No. - Okay.

#567
- No. - No.

#568
- It's not just you. - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not trying

#569
to be mean, it's not personal.

#570
You're just being honest about how you feel.

#571
- Yeah. - Also, there's a smell.

#572
- Okay. - There's a smell, yeah.

#573
And a lot of women have this,

#574
and it makes me sick to my stomach, and I don't want to be around it,

#575
and I think that's what you're saying.

#576
Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,

#577
but, no, I'm just saying, like...

#578
I feel a lot of tension in the workplace 'cause we slept together, you know?

#579
Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.

#580
Okay, I can see that.

#581
We can legally fire her

#582
and bring in whichever man we want.

#583
Oh, okay.

#584
I see... I see where you're going with that.

#585
Yeah, he's got an agenda. But either way,

#586
it-it doesn't matter. The point is,

#587
what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,

#588
and I think it's a great idea. I think, I think it's long overdue.

#589
Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,

#590
can we at least make sure she's competent?

#591
Competent?

#592
A monkey could do Dee's job.

#593
A monkey could.

#594
Terrific. Thanks for coming in.

#595
- All right. - Move. Move.

#596
Not gonna get it. No. Give me a break. Move.

#597
- What is... - You listen to me right now, Jeffrey.

#598
You listen to me.

#599
Because I have been listening to you for long enough.

#600
- I'm sorry... Who are you? - No, no, no.

#601
This can't be happening. This can't be happening, I'm too young.

#602
Why are you doing this to me? Why? I-I... No. I don't want to change.

#603
Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.

#604
- You have to-- - Oh, God, it's so hot.

#605
Why is it always so goddamn hot? Somebody ought to crack a window.

#606
No, I-I-I need more time. I had it all planned out.

#607
It was perfect, and this is just too soon!

#608
Oh, God!

#609
And that's the scene.

#610
Yes, I'm aware.

#611
I'm done. I was in character before, but I'm me now,

#612
so you can tell me how good I was.

#613
Okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.

#614
You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...

#615
Plus, I do feel like that's what the character would have done,

#616
and I've been in character all day.

#617
As a matter of fact, don't want to brag, but I've been in character all week.

#618
Okay, well, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...

#619
Come on, man! No, I've been coming here for years,

#620
and you never put me past you to the director.

#621
Well, listen, we have... A lot of people are going to be reading for this role.

#622
No! I'm gonna see the director.

#623
You're gonna put me through to the director,

#624
that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.

#625
I deserve it. I am a trained actor.

#626
Okay? I have spent thousands of dollars on acting classes,

#627
and are you gonna try and tell me that was just all for nothing?

#628
That all that money was just a waste?

#629
Well, not for your acting teacher.

#630
Hmm?

#631
You know, guys, it occurs to me that, with this new employee,

#632
we could be looking at a lot less work and a lot more available time.

#633
Perhaps we should consider a vacation.

#634
Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.

#635
I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable

#636
with the idea of travel lately, like...

#637
Check this out, did you guys know that

#638
Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?

#639
- Yes. - Yeah.

#640
No, think about that, though, that's crazy.

#641
Like, two cities in one state?

#642
- No, that's-that's not crazy. - No. No, not at all.

#643
No, no, no.

#644
All right, I don't think you understand.

#645
There's two cities in the same state, like, how is that even possible?

#646
All states have more than one city.

#647
That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.

#648
Mmm... No.

#649
- Yes. - There's... No.

#650
- Yes. - There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

#651
Yes.

#652
So, that's what Pennsylvania is.

#653
- Oh, no. - No.

#654
Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?

#655
- No. - No.

#656
No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania...

#657
- What is this man talking about? - I...

#658
I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly

#659
going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?

#660
- No. - Explain this to me.

#661
Oh! I understand. I think I understand...

#662
- Really? - Finally, somebody gets it.

#663
He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.

#664
- Yeah. Well, yeah. - He wants to go somewhere exotic.

#665
- Yes. - He wants to go to Fire Island.

#666
He wants to go to Greece.

#667
- He wants to experiment. - No. That's not what I'm saying, no.

#668
- He wants to try new things. - That is not what he said.

#669
- Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh. - 'Cause we're already there.

#670
We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel...

#671
I... This-this is not easy.

#672
Hey-o. Check it out.

#673
What the hell is this?

#674
It's Dee's replacement.

#675
Why did you get a monkey?

#676
Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.

#677
We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,

#678
so I got a monkey instead.

#679
It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.

#680
Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.

#681
We need an actual person.

#682
Oh, yeah? Check this out.

#683
Monkey, beer.

#684
See? Great, huh?

#685
No! No, not great. Ridiculous.

#686
You think a monkey can run a bar?

#687
Run a bar?

#688
I thought it was just to do Dee's job.

#689
Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar

#690
- 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. - Right.

#691
- Ooh, vacation? - Mmm-hmm.

#692
- Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? - Ah.

#693
What is with you guys and Pittsburgh? Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

#694
If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.

#695
Yeah, thanks.

#696
I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,

#697
and you guys want to go to the second-best city

#698
in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.

#699
Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?

#700
Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

#701
Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?

#702
Whoa, hang on a second now.

#703
That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?

#704
Beats me.

#705
Okay, well, it's very, very delicious.

#706
What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?

#707
He some kind of mixologist?

#708
He used to work in the movies.

#709
He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.

#710
Rumor has it that he also did a short stint

#711
making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

#712
- Wow. - Okay, okay. Interesting.

#713
- You know those were stiff. - Yeah.

#714
Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person

#715
to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,

#716
you know, but while we're landing on where exactly to go, let's, uh...

#717
Mmm!

#718
Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is

#719
the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.

#720
Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.

#721
- You guys got to try this. - Really?

#722
- I bet, yeah. - Monkey.

#723
- Three more. - Yeah. All right.

#724
Look at that.

#725
Hello. Good afternoon.

#726
I'm Deandra Reynolds,

#727
and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.

#728
For starters...

#729
I don't have a limp.

#730
Right?

#731
Don't be shy.

#732
Thank you.

#733
Thank you so much. Thank you.

#734
Oh, here's the thing.

#735
The first order of business, and perhaps the most important thing,

#736
is payment.

#737
Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash or cashier's check?

#738
Okay, good. Great.

#739
Great, wonderful. Okay, well, let's get started.

#740
Chain saw, avocado, marlin.

#741
- What'd I just say? You. - Um...

#742
Chain saw, avocado, marlin?

#743
Right!

#744
Which is wrong.

#745
You just violated the first rule of acting.

#746
You listened.

#747
When you are listening, you are not talking,

#748
and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.

#749
You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?

#750
An extra.

#751
Which brings me to rule number two.

#752
Acting is...

#753
Oh, um... Reacting.

#754
Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.

#755
Think about it.

#756
Ignore reality.

#757
You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.

#758
Ignore your scene partner

#759
because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.

#760
And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?

#761
You're better than a writer, right? Writers are dorks, okay?

#762
Any questions?

#763
No! Put your hands down!

#764
No.

#765
Don't ask questions.

#766
That shows you don't know something,

#767
which makes you look weak.

#768
Got it?

#769
Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,

#770
it's pretty important to me, okay? 'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,

#771
you're not walking out of here without the payment.

#772
Oh, my God, Charlie, we're not going to Scranton.

#773
All right, fine. What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?

#774
Altoona? You know...

#775
Okay, will you at least consider going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?

#776
All those cities are in Pennsylvania?

#777
Are you kidding me? Like, you don't want to know--

#778
Thank you, monkey. You don't want to know, like,

#779
how this shit works, man?

#780
No. I don't want to find out how zoning districts work.

#781
I don't care about that. Thank you, monkey.

#782
I want to go somewhere exotic.

#783
Baltimore?

#784
- Baltimore is not exotic, Frank. - No.

#785
I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore

#786
that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey.

#787
You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.

#788
Regardless of where we decide to go, we're taking this goddamn monkey

#789
- because I love this guy. I love him. - Oh, yeah.

#790
It would be great if we could hire more monkeys

#791
to do our job for us while we're gone.

#792
Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar, you know what I mean?

#793
Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?

#794
- Yeah. - Yeah, because Hollywood decided

#795
you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.

#796
- Are you seriously... - You can't beat monkeys?

#797
- No, you can't. - At all?

#798
Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore

#799
- 'cause of these snowflakes? - Not allowed to do it no more.

#800
- These Hollywood... - Oh, my God.

#801
I do have to admit, though, it is a little disappointing

#802
to discover that a team of primates could do our jobs for us, but...

#803
I'm gonna blow past it

#804
because I really do want to come up with a vacation spot for us, you know?

#805
So, here's what I'm thinking, guys. Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?

#806
Grab a napkin.

#807
And, uh, everybody write down a destination on the napkin,

#808
and then we'll put that destination in this bowl right here,

#809
I'll pick one out,

#810
and that way not one of us decides, but we let fate take over.

#811
- What do you guys think about that plan? - Okay.

#812
I didn't say that

#813
- I don't love you. - Then what is it?

#814
Is it my gang ties? Because I don't need that shit.

#815
I'll leave it all behind.

#816
Just tell me what's wrong.

#817
The baby.

#818
It's not yours. It's my...

#819
my...

#820
- my father's. - Bigger.

#821
- My father's! - Louder.

#822
- My father's! - Yes!

#823
Good. Now you go.

#824
- Your father's? - Louder.

#825
Your father's?

#826
Okay! Now, this is what I'm talking about.

#827
Nice work. Do you all see that?

#828
Goddamn, that's what I want. I want to be able

#829
to see your performance from the fucking moon.

#830
Guys, the louder you are,

#831
the more people have to pay attention to you.

#832
Yeah, I-I don't understand the script.

#833
What movie did you say this was from?

#834
I didn't. I wrote it.

#835
It's a mash-up of Chinatown and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.

#836
Oh. Are you gonna write all the scenes?

#837
Well, there you go asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.

#838
Kiki, how does that make him seem to you?

#839
Um... Weak?

#840
Weak! Good. Very good.

#841
Now, you, Kiki, you're really getting this.

#842
But did you feel that?

#843
Did you feel how he went from, like, a hot stud you'd like to bang

#844
to a weak little bitch right before your eyes? Right?

#845
I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,

#846
but that's between him and me.

#847
Tony, see me after class.

#848
Um... Okay.

#849
Wrong! Wrong! Okay.

#850
People in power will try and bang you.

#851
Now, sometimes it will be necessary to get the part,

#852
but assess the situation.

#853
Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?

#854
Tony, do see me after class.

#855
And the place that we're going to is...

#856
Yell... Yellow?

#857
What is, what is this? Who, who wrote this?

#858
Me. Yeah.

#859
Were you trying to say Yellowstone or...

#860
Uh... No. Just yellow.

#861
- Just yellow? Just the color yellow? - Well, I panicked.

#862
You know, you were shooting down all the other places

#863
I've been naming, so I-I couldn't think of something.

#864
Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place, you idiot, so...

#865
We're gonna try this again.

#866
Next place I pick out, that's where we're gonna go.

#867
Mmm-hmm.

#868
Purple.

#869
What is happening?

#870
That was me. Yeah, I did purple.

#871
- You did purple? - Yeah, I...

#872
- Two of you wrote colors? - Okay, so you thought of a color, too?

#873
I didn't understand the assignment either.

#874
- It-it was not clear. - I said write down a destination,

#875
- and two people wrote down colors? - We're sorry, we're sorry.

#876
- I don't understand... - I like purple.

#877
I like purple, too, Frank. That's why I wrote it down.

#878
Well, maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.

#879
Go where? Purple? That's not a place!

#880
- That... All right, you know... - Okay, you're right.

#881
I think, these beers are a little strong.

#882
- Are you drunk? - I... these beers are a little strong.

#883
I will admit that the beers are also stronger

#884
- than I was anticipating. - I like this beer.

#885
You know what, guys?

#886
- I'm having a lot of fun here. - Mmm-hmm.

#887
But I do want to figure this out, so, new plan.

#888
All right, here's what we're gonna do.

#889
Instead of writing down places,

#890
why don't we write down... keywords?

#891
Or phrases, you know?

#892
Let's go with our instincts, you know?

#893
Whatever we want to feel, what-whatever we want to experience

#894
on the vacation, okay?

#895
And then we'll put it up on a board.

#896
We'll look at it all together and then maybe

#897
the destination will just reveal itself to us.

#898
And... we can drink more monkey beer.

#899
Yeah.

#900
- Monkey! - We'll drink monkey beer while doing it.

#901
- Monkey. - Four more monkey beers, monkey.

#902
- Monkey, monkey, monkey beer! - Monkey! Four more!

#903
Ms. Reynolds, can I talk to you for a second?

#904
Oh, God, what's this? Listen, if you don't have the cash,

#905
you're gonna want to borrow it from, like, an uncle or a friend

#906
or something 'cause I don't make exceptions.

#907
No. It's, uh, it's not the money. Um...

#908
I just wanted to say... thank you.

#909
It feels so good to be seen like that.

#910
My parents don't really believe in me, so...

#911
Wait, wait, wait. Stop talking.

#912
Holy shit.

#913
You're making me realize something here.

#914
Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.

#915
What?

#916
Well, what I mean is, I-I was just able to give you something

#917
your parents never did, and all-all I had to do was...

#918
toss you a single compliment.

#919
I can control you.

#920
I can make you feel however I want you to feel,

#921
which will help you be a better actor.

#922
- Oh, I do want to be a better... - Shh. I'm not done.

#923
Oh, that's real power.

#924
Way more power than just acting, and I think that's what it was

#925
probably all about for me, you know?

#926
I just... I was searching for a sense of control.

#927
Oh, Kiki, you were...

#928
terrible.

#929
Wait, I-I was?

#930
No. No.

#931
I'm kidding.

#932
You were amazing.

#933
And you're going to make it.

#934
I believe in you.

#935
Oh, you do?

#936
Maybe.

#937
I'm not going to tell you right now.

#938
But yes.

#939
Oh, my God! This is...

#940
This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.

#941
I'm going to be there for you.

#942
I'm going to be the mother and father that you never had.

#943
I'm only going to take 35% of all your future earnings,

#944
and I will never, never

#945
turn my back on you, do you understand?

#946
- Yes. - Because you...

#947
Can you give me one second?

#948
My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket.

#949
One sec. Hello?

#950
No! I'm gonna see the director.

#951
Hi, yes. Is this Deandra Reynolds?

#952
- Yup. - Right. Well,

#953
I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this...

#954
- Faster. - What?

#955
Faster.

#956
Right. Brilliant.

#957
Well, I am the director of the TV show

#958
that you crashed the audition on the other day,

#959
and we have a role that...

#960
Slower.

#961
All right. Um...

#962
Well, as I was saying, I am...

#963
the director...

#964
Too slow. Don't start over.

#965
Okay.

#966
Well, I saw your tape,

#967
and, based on what I saw, and this conversation,

#968
I think we have a part that might be right for you.

#969
Stop.

#970
Attention, everyone.

#971
Dee Reynolds Acting School is officially closed.

#972
And I'm sorry, there will be no return on investments,

#973
but it was in the fine print. Have a wonderful afternoon.

#974
Continue.

#975
Oh, my God.

#976
Oh, guys.

#977
What the hell is happening?

#978
Guys, wake up.

#979
Wake...

#980
Wha...

#981
Oh, my God. My head is killing me.

#982
Oh, dude. I am very hungover. I do not feel good.

#983
Charlie, you're full of scratches.

#984
So are you.

#985
- Wait, I got scratches, too. - Oh, shit.

#986
Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.

#987
Is that shit on the bar?

#988
What-what is that...

#989
sour, salty taste in my mouth? Do you guys have that?

#990
- Yeah, I got that. - Yes. Yes, I have that.

#991
- What is that? - Yeah, it's real bad.

#992
- Guys... - Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.

#993
I think we've been outsmarted.

#994
- What? - Huh?

#995
The monkey got us drunk,

#996
assaulted us,

#997
robbed the bar,

#998
and possibly fucked our mouths.

#999
- Oh, God! - Yeah, he did. That is what happened.

#1000
Yeah, the guy who sold him to me

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